Happy Freeze-idays from Mr. Freeze

Hello and happy Christmas from me, Mr. Freeze,
     I hope Santa brings you what you want. Christmas is my favorite holiday, for obvious reasons: I’m a Christian and Christmas music is my favorite. J/K lol, I love the cold you numbskull. I want Santa to bring me my two front teeth. J/K lol again! I want to convert my living room into a dead freezing cold room.
     Right now the living room’s pretty much just an industrial freezer, which isn’t frostless BTW. I slipped on the frost in there – not cool. And come to think of it, this wasn’t an iceolated incident. The Penguin slipped in there too. Can you believe that?! You think he’d be the one least likely to slip! And he’s always playing that “I got your nose” game with my kids, Mr. Freeze, Jr. and Ice Cube (I adopted the rapper/actor, J/K, I’m just a big fan of his work and cubes of ice). Who’s scared of a flightless bird anyways? The freezing cold, now that’s chilling.
     I’d like to convert my living room into a cryogenic, liquid nitrogen climate controlled chamber. That would be the coolest! A snow couch would go great in there to chill out on. And I also want a leather jacket, because they’re just cool. But what I really want is a device that can drill to the core of the Earth where I could detonate a nuclear weapon so all of the world’s volcanoes would erupt, creating a cloud of smoke so large and dense it would block out the sun for thousands of years, causing an eternal ice age. Also, I really hate hot stuff. I tried doing this a few years ago as a “school science experiment” with Ice Cube, and when I had to explain to the Feds what I was doing, lets just say I got quite an icy reception.

10 More Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some marijuana or cocaine?" 

1. I was just going to ask you the same thing. What a small world. Imagine if we said it at the same time. One of us would end up having to buy the other person a coke, which would be humorous considering what we're selling. Ahh, good times.
2. No thanks, I'm allergic to everything but heroin.
3. I'm a police officer......on Hallowee- Oh shit, please don't stab me, I was kidding.
4. If by marijuana and cocaine you mean drugs, then I guess I'd have to say yes.
5. How much?
6. I'm really high right now and it sounds like you might've just asked me if I wanted some drugs. If so, then yes.
7. I've never tried that before, by chance do you have any free samples like at farmers markets? Did I mention I'm amish.
8. Where do you live? How about I go to your street corner and sell drugs to your community?! What's that? People already do that and I'd get shot? That's a good point. OK, carry on.
9. What's your return policy?
10. Do you take Discover? And by Discover, I mean sucking your dick for payment, not that I would do that, but was wondering because I could really go for some cocaine and don't have any money.

10 Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some pot or cocaine?"

1. I'm on vacation in another country and have no idea who you are. Maybe you're a drug enforcement officer or maybe you just want to rob me when I take my money out. Sooo, what can I get for $500?

2. Isn't marijuana a gateway drug? No thank you! I'll take some cocaine please.

3. Do you realize you're like the 20th person to ask me that today? Ya know you look a lot like me, stop copying what I'm doing goddammit! How did I get in this gas station restroom? Where'd you go?!

4. Only if it's organically grown and processed without child labor. Oh would you look at that, the label has the story of how this bag got over the border. Transported by father of 12, Julio, and a here's a picture of him. This is great, and wow, it is organically grown. I'll take four bags, no, make it 12, to support each of his children. 

5. Do you know if it's all right to take cocaine on an empty stomach? I've had diarrhea for a few days.

6. How about if I can guess your age you let me get a small bag of marijuana for free? OK. Hmmmm, fifty...four, no three, fifty-three. And that's in meth years, so you're really only 33. Yes! Hand it over.

7. Let me help you out here, you'd make a lot more sales if you introduced yourself properly and touted the benefits of using of either of these substances. For instance, cocaine is good for suppressing memories cleaning out the sinuses. It may not really do that, but it does degrade the brain and destroy your nasal cavity. You see, it's all about making it sound good. I'll take some pot, for free, that advice is worth a lot. Trust me, I'm in pharmaceutical sales.

8. The last time someone offered me drugs, I, well....let me just get some pot, man.

9. No thanks, I'm mormon and actually (whisper) just had some coffee. 

10. I'm not sure. I've never done drugs before. Is it fun? What do you recommend? I've heard they're bad for you. Is that true? Am I asking too many questions? Sorry, I just bought this energy vitamin from someone just like you. Maybe you have it too, I'll buy more of that, it's called meth.

Ten Stupid Tips To Stop Yourself From Pigging Out At An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

1- Remind yourself that you're at an all you can eat buffet.

2- Force yourself to watch the people going in and out of the buffet for 5 minutes.

3- Drink lots of water, it's a great appetite suppressant and if you do pig out, it helps the vomit come out much easier.

4- Sprinkle poison on all the food, that way you know you can't eat it.

5- Force yourself to speak with the manager before you start eating and tell him or her that you were just kicked out of the buffet across town, then ask if they need any King Crab legs or dinner rolls.

6- To prevent yourself from pigging out at an all you can eat buffet when you know you will, make a rule that you can only serve yourself food with your mouth.

7- Don't pretend you're the health inspector like last time and request a plate of every food and then say you will need a second round just to make sure and then threaten to shut them down if they don't get a larger capacity ice cream machine after you eat all their ice cream.

8- So you don't look like a complete pig at an all you can eat buffet, make sure and stop by a McDonald's beforehand.

9- Don't tell yourself you can only eat what you can fit in your stomach.

10- Do not ask yourself what starving kids in Africa would do.

Ten Terrible Jokes About What Snooki Will Name Her Baby

1- Snooki plans to marry her boyfriend and change her last name to Lawrence. She will reportedly name her son Gary Tyler Lawrence, and call him GTL for short.

2- Snooki plans on naming her child after the place it was conceived. The child will most likely be named Denny's bathroom. 

3- Snooki wants to name her child after one of her Jersey Shore castmates. Jenni if it's a girl, Pauly if it's a boy, or The Situation if it's ugly.

4- Snooki's baby will be her first child, so she plans on naming it something very important to her, Booze.

5- Snooki made a deal with a bodyspray company and named her child Axe. Although, Eedent was an odd choice for a middle name.

6- Because Snooki's child will bring her a lot of publicity when it's born, she already has a name picked out whether it's a boy or a girl: Available For Parties.

7- Snooki supposedly came up with a name for her child while drunk at a club. We'll let you know as soon as she stops vomiting and can tell us.

8- Snooki wants her child to have a better life than her. So she decided to name her kid Jersey Shore Hawaii.

9 If Snooki has a boy she wants to make sure he does well in school, so she'll name him DJ Pauly A+.

10- Snooki wants her son to work in finance, so she will name him Bookie.

Faith-based blogging with prankster Billy Sallies

Hi there, I'm Billy Sallies, a Christian and a part-time prankster. I share faith-related, lighthearted, and humorous stories. 

The other day I was in a local restaurant, just about to say grace, and I hear this guy sitting near me say he's an atheist, so I followed him home. I discover that he lives in a pretty nice house. (I know, atheists have houses??? I thought they all lived in shared sinner condos or something). I wanted to see where this guy lived, what his lawn looked like, what kind of shampoo he used, how he showers. (He starts with his feet! I know right, weeeiird). So turns out this guy’s a real creepy Weirdy McWeirdo, which I already suspected, with him being an atheist and all. 

So I'm in this guy's house, kinda just silently observing him from the shadows, just watching him, trying to figure out what makes an atheist an atheist, and I'm thinking about leaving, but I decided that before I go I'm gonna do something to this guy. I'll do one of my patented pranks on him, maybe paint his toenails or fart in his face when he’s sleeping; something really funny like that. But I decided to scare him straight…to Jesus. I would wait until he sneezed, and say "God blesses you," pretending to be God saying God bless you to this guy. I know, hilarious. I found a nice kitchen closet to hide in and wait until he fell asleep, which was a long time, like four and a half hours. He had plenty of food in there to snack on though. Thank the Lord he was storing some canned hams in this closet I was hiding in and that I have a stainless steel crucifix on my keychain; which I was able to use to open the can and jab his dog with so it would stop trying to get some ham scraps. Sorry, not all dogs go to heaven, especially ones with atheist owners. Again, how weird, the guy had this closet full of food(???). 

Somehow I fell asleep for like an hour or two, but what woke me up was this guy's sneeze. He was a yell-sneezer, totally uncalled for yell that accompanies his sneeze, which I despise, but it’s what woke me up to prank him, so I can’t complain. I right away say, “God blesses you,” in this real virtuous, deep voice. And let me tell you, it put the fear of God in him. He got real upset and started shouting, “who’s there” and that he “had a gun” and would call the cops. Which is hilarious; because you can’t call the cops on God, buddy. Just doesn’t work like that, you silly atheist.  

So I decided I should probably explain this to him and ask where his garbage was so I could toss away this canned ham tin. I may be a prankster, but I'm no pig. He must have thought I was God or something, because he was super scared, like he knew he would be going to hell for his lack of faith. Which is funny, because I had a hell of a time explaining to the police what happened the next day after I woke from surgery to get the bullet removed from my shoulder. The police, the judge, and even my lawyer must have been atheists too, because they didn’t believe much of my story either. 


If there’s one thing I learned from all of this, it’s that atheists have NO sense of humor. None at all. I can’t recall how many times I snuck into a Christian’s home and never been shot; getting pepper sprayed is different. There's no pill that can heal like prayer does. You know who has good wifi? Jewish people. Do they believe in God? Gotta go, OMG looks like this Jewish guy’s about to sneeze his yam-u-ku off.

Looking to Rent Your Kids

Friend of Greathouse of Humor, Nick Peterson, wrote this fine piece for a Craigslist ad:

Hello parents, I am looking a few young children to help me get Derek Jeter's autograph tomorrow. Jeter is training down in Tampa, and I need a few kids to stand in line with me and wait for the chance to get a baseball legend. Derek Jeter usually only signs autographs for kids, so this is a perfect opportunity for me to get his autograpg 3, 4 or even 5 times (depending on how many children I recruit).

I can NOT offer you a Derek Jeter signature in return, because I need his signature as many times as I can get. What I can offer you is a picture of your child next to him, and a story that will last a lifetime. If you commit before midnight tonight, I will also throw in an autographed baseball card of the Tampa Ray's team mascot "Raymond". . . an overall value of $3.50.

We will leave the next morning around 2:00 AM. We need to be in Tampa at around 5:00 AM so that we can be the first few people in line. Snacks and beverages will be provided by me. I will have all the Capri-Suns and Oreos that your children desire. If your child requires a car seat, please provide it.

Children must be between the ages of 3-12, male or female. They must be able to stand for long periods of time, have basic social skills, and be potty-trained. Please no medical diseases including Downs's syndrome, schizophrenia, Bell's palsy or any other types of deformity. This is actually a new stipulation because last year Alex Rodriguez did not sign for one of my recruited children. I thought that something like this would help my efforts but it completely backfired. I don't want to take that chance again.

Please feel free to ask me any questions before committing your child for the trip. I am a professional and will treat your kids like they were my own. (My own kids are actually unavailable for tomorrow. . .still waiting on that court hearing). I look forward to working with you and your child!

Remember Me: Alternate Endings From the Cutting Room Floor

"Remember Me", otherwise known as the 9/11 exploitation movie due to the fact that the conclusion of the movie, spectacularly and most tastefully, portrays star Robert Pattinson as perishing in one of the Trade Center towers…on 9/11…in a completely bespoke, explicable ending. Below is an alternate ending(s) from the cutting room floor:

 

Using the restroom in an office on one of the top floors of the Trade Center buildings, waiting for his father, Pattinson is shown reading a newspaper. The camera zooms in on the date [September 11^th, 2001] and cuts to black; hold blank black screen for 20 seconds with obvious airplane noise heard throughout. Slowly fading to next frame; Pattinson is shown waking up in a cold sweat at his home. He walks downstairs, toasts and English muffin and sips some orange juice. At this point the screen turns black and the credits just begin to roll across the screen. But it’s not over!

Pattinson wakes up again; he’s back in the building. He just woke up from a nap while lying on a nice leather couch in his father’s office. He picks up a teen magazine sitting on a glass coffee table, it’s emblazoned with vampires on the cover [date displayed is the eleventyth of septumber], but soon after, Pattinson dozes off, AGAIN. He wakes up to people barking orders and unsettling turbulence. He is sitting in the window seat of an airplane; as he glances out the window he notices the Statue of Liberty. The flight is obviously off-track.

Werewolves have hijacked the plane! Pattinson quickly transforms into a vampire to halt the hijacking. He first stops in the lavatory to check his appearance but cannot see himself in the mirror. This turns out to be his downfall because as soon as he transforms back to human to be able to see his reflection a werewolf attacks his pale and frail human body; eating him whole with one giant bite. HOWEVER, Pattinson transforms back into a vampire, bursting out of the werewolf, killing it in the process. He says, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew your food?"

The movie abruptly cuts to show Pattinson waking up on a cot in a cave (at this point the audience thinks they are watching Inception, that is, if it had come out before this terrible movie). Through Pattinson’s eyes we see a tall, cloaked, bearded man looking down on him; he mumbles some unintelligible language that isn’t English. Subtitles read: “Here, have some water.” Pattinson sits up, has a sip of water that the man offered him. We see the oddly familiar face of the bizarre bearded man one more time and suddenly the screen cuts to black and the credits roll. The movie is over…or is it?

Inquisitive individuals who read the credits see that the “Bearded Man in Cave/Osama bin Laden” was played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Those who sit through to the end of the credits find that the movie has not ended; through a series of flashbacks, Pattinson discovers he was DEAD the entire time. [Fade to black, roll credits] Those who are still in the theater then see the real credits and list Pattinson’s character as actually being played by Bruce Willis the entire time and actor Leonardo DiCaprio playing Osama Bin Laden was really M. Night Shyamalan!!

How to Nail a Job Interview

• Attire: Do not wear a suit. You heard right. Don’t wear a suit. Everyone wears a suit, even Hillary Clinton, and you want to stick out. Upon entering the interview room, slyly state, “the suit’s at the dry cleaners, been on a ton of interviews lately.” You should subsequently query, “Could we hurry this up? I have real important interview pretty soon and need to pick up my suit.” Dress casual, like you were on your way to the Laundromat but stopped by for an interview because it happened to be on your way.

• Résumé: Words of wisdom: A little fibbing goes a long way. Lets say you were recently an Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, but were fired because you “sampled too much food.” A slight distortion of words could make the difference in helping you land the position. What this means is, you take a title like assistant and convert it to Vice President. The end result of the conversion is Assistant Manager = V.P. of Operations. In theory, you were the V.P. of Operations at that store. Don’t sell yourself short; a little undamaging untruth never hurt anyone.

o  Education:  The main lesson to be learned here is creative rearrangement. So you paid for an online degree from University of Phoenix, simply creatively rearrange those letters to UPenn, a prestigious Ivy League university. Important: omit the unnecessary leftover letters.

o  Helpful Hint: If ever asked about your previous position or education, change the topic immediately, pretending you didn’t understand or make something up. Example: “I was so drunk, I do not remember much,” or, “OMG! Is that spider on your head?!” Another option is to say you cannot speak of your previous employment due to the top-secret nature of the work.

• Interview Questions: There’s a vast array of hard-hitting interview questions, but one is the most common, and when answered correctly, can help you avoid any other questions: “What is your greatest weakness?” By answering, “My greatest weakness is answering job interview questions,” you immediately alert the interviewer to why you are so terrible at answering interview questions; eliminating the entire question and answer process of the job interview. This enables your fibbed-up resume to stand out.

• Introduction: Shaking hands is customary to most any interaction where people are meeting each other for the first time; it’s also a glaring signal that you are exceedingly desperate for the position. If anything, extend your palm for a low five, saying; “down-low,” and quickly pull your hand away only to say, “too slow.” Conversely, one could also ignore the outward hand or present a limp, lifeless appendage for the person to uncomfortably shake, as a way of saying, “after I’m hired, you’ll be lucky I don’t fire you.”

• Eye Contact: Eye contact displays attentiveness and interest. Avoid eye contact at all costs. This is probably the most common mistake. Do not ever appear needy or like you actually want the job.

• Body Language/Behavior: Sit back and relax, put your feet up if you have to; you don’t ever want to appear nervous during the interview. Make it known that you are a busy person and have better things to do with your time. Work out a crossword puzzle, you could even interrupt the interviewer to ask for some help. “Oh, this sounds like you, maybe you can help with nine across. What is a three letter word for a donkey…that starts with A?” You will get bored, it’s going to happen, job interviews are some of the dullest moments of a persons’ existence. To combat the boredom you should read a newspaper or play Angry Birds on your phone or even leave the room. “Don’t stop, I’ll be right back.”

• Lunch Interview: Eat lunch during your interview, particularly if it is not a lunch interview. Remember, you are very busy and need to get to your next interview refreshed and ready, so you are eating lunch during this mind-numbing interview. Don’t ask, just bring in your lunch and begin eating. It is in good judgment to offer the interviewer a bite if they look hungry.

• Inner-interview: Carry out an over-the-phone interview during your interview. Have a friend call you at a specified time, or even text them when you are ready, because you should be on your phone anyways, and begin to answer some scripted questions, making it sound like you are doing very well. After finishing the phone interview you can assuredly say, “Wow, Google is really desperate for me to work for them. Did you get all of that or should I repeat anything?”

The overall goal of these techniques is to exhibit great disinterest, in turn making the prospective employer sell to you. Turn the tables. Remember, leave the suit at home, ignore the handshake, rearrange the resume, spin the interview questions, avoid eye contact, bored is good, eat lunch without asking, get interviewed during the interview and generally do not give a damn. You will not have to wait to see if you received the job, these techniques guarantee the position immediately after the interview. It is recommended you tell the employer you will think about it and request double whatever salary they offer, refusing to accept any less. Most often the employer will offer triple, thereafter. These tactics work 100% of the time, dare to use other methods at your own risk.

Hanus Adhesives Has Breakthrough With Book Glue That Smells-Like-Butt Technology

Much more potent formulation of book glue that smells like butt developed.

NEW YORK (AP) ­– Through advancements in proprietary chemical processing technologies, Hanus Adhesives has developed an extraordinarily potent formulation of butt-stink glue commonly used in the publishing industry to bind books. Not only is the formulation much more potent, even to the most seasoned of bookworms, but the stench activates much sooner. Traditionally, book glue took years of permeation, preferably sitting on a dark musty shelf, to properly develop that trademark stench, akin to a rear end. However, with Hanus’ new formulation the foul smell is almost instantly perceptible in the newest of books.

Chief adhesives engineer at Hanus Adhesives, Bill Richardson, had this to say about the new technology:

Our revolutionary glue formulation absolutely blows the other book binding glues out of the water. Hanus’ proprietary processes will have books smelling like butt nearly right off the bookstore shelf. The unpleasant smell coming from books utilizing our glue will be so strong that anyone within a ten-foot radius will instantly think you have been swimming in a septic tank or just have horrendously poor hygiene.

Hanus’ innovative book glue allows one to eliminate the years and years of waiting that it took for a book to acquire its reeking odor. Avid reader and New York Public Library desk reference librarian, Samantha Chalkes, was thrilled with the new glue: “I am very happy with Hanus Adhesives and their wonderful new bookbinding glue. It’s nice to be able to read while using the restroom and have the book stink more than your load.” 

An additional benefit to Hanus’ new glue is that the strength of the odor intensifies exponentially over time. The odor is available almost instantly, but the longer the book sits on the shelf the greater the power of the stench becomes; increasing in potency approximately ten-fold annually.

Janet Philgrove, head of PR at Random House Publishing, was admittedly ecstatic with the news that Hanus had finally developed their glue that smells-like-butt technology. “I heard rumors that Hanus Adhesives was trying to develop this more potent, awful-smelling book glue and to see it finally be released, I am almost speechless, but also breathless due to the stink. It really alters the landscape of the publishing industry. I do not see Random House using any glue manufacturer than Hanus.”

At the time of publishing, Hanus had secured exclusive agreements with almost every major publishing company in the U.S. and is said to be in development of a Super-Stench Stage II formulation of their current stinky glue blend.

Local Teacher Overloaded With Laudatory Language

Mrs. Hickens Exhausts Enriching Expressions For Good Grades

Reprinted with permission from the New Brunswick Chronicle ©.
 

NEW JERSEY­— Verner Elementary School fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Sheila Hickens, claims to have run out of optimistic words to write on her students’ papers when they perform well on a quiz, test, paper or various assignment. With a career spanning 37 years, Mrs. Hickens fears she only has a limited lexis of laudatory language left. She always tried her best to write an assortment of encouraging and congratulatory language on her pupils’ papers to commend a good grade, but feels the years have turned her terrific terms trite. “At this point in my career, I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to exaggeratedly scribble ‘WOW’ or ‘Great Job’ in bright red ink on some pointless paper,” Sheila states emphatically. 

Having taught every elementary school grade level at multiple school districts across the great state of New Jersey, Mrs. Hickens was accustomed to writing a wide-range of uplifting words and even the occasional doodle. “Kindergarteners were the easiest to write praise for; most of the time I just drew smiley faces, check or plus marks, and stars.” Hickens learned early on that the utilization of gleaming star stickers garnered the greatest reactions from the children. “In 1977 I was teaching first grade in Hoboken, and really started getting into drawing stars on papers when one day I happened upon some shiny star stickers, in I believe…some craft mail order catalog, so I used the star stickers in class one day and the kids absolutely loved it,” recalls Mrs. Hickens.

The star stickers changed Sheila’s entire ethos of extolment. Running through nearly every possible variant of color, design and size for star stickers, Mrs. Hickens moved on to use every possible smiley face adaptation over the years. Mrs. Hickens says, “I could have stuck with the same set of stickers and praiseworthy words, but that is the quickest way to lose your sanity in this job, it’s something simple like using the identical smiley face sticker every day for ten years, then suddenly you snap.”

“To tell you the truth, most of the time I wrote on kids’ papers it was empty commendations, you can’t mean it every time you say ‘Excellent’ on the same spelling test you’ve given for 20 years,” Sheila bluntly declares. It’s evident that all the acclaim takes its toll on teachers. Even for someone like Sheila who takes great pride in her praisings. “I don’t think once, any student ever came up to me to say I did a ‘Fabulous’ or ‘Marvelous’ job teaching the class how to read…I taught these kids how to read and the admiration I receive is the seldom apple placed on my desk from some kid who picks his nose all day in class!” exclaims Mrs. Hickens,

Last year, Mrs. Hickens heard some dreadful news about a former star student. “I taught Timothy Willis in third grade and he was an excellent student, star-studded papers, and I happened to hear from his mother that he withdrew from a class in college; this just broke my heart,” Sheila continues, “it's hard to believe that all of my stars, smileys, and 'Super's' were all for naught.” Mrs. Hickens began to question her applauding-word-filled career, now feeling that she has run her capability to commend dry. Mrs. Hickens adds, “With Timothy, I even wrote out his name and sometimes a small note on his tests, like: ‘Super Good Job Timothy, Keep up the good work!’ And to know he is not applying himself in college after all of my encouragement just pangs me.”

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to write the same thing or the variation or combination of all the same words over and over again,” says Sheila. After having written countless commendations and placed a myriad of shiny stickers on papers for decades, Mrs. Hickens feels that “enough is enough” and after years of wanting to escape, cannot wait to leave teaching and retire to a life where “Great Job” is not, as she puts it, “tossed around like crayons in a Kindergarten class.”

Types of Bumper Stickers and Their Respective Owners

You want the world to know something about you, something often ostentatious, so you promote that something…with a sticker…on your bumper.

• Political bumper stickers:

• Radical choice – You’re probably a partisan pothead: “Legalize It”; worship Glenn Beck: “Obama Is Hitler”; or otherwise have odd, but strong convictions: “People Against Zombies” or "Palin for Imperial Leader." 

• Local politician – Nobody knows who that person is or cares, except you; you’re probably related to them and were pressured into putting the sticker on your vehicle.

• My party won (and is better) - You still have a Bush/Cheney sticker on your SUV and/or the mast of your sailboat.

• My party lost (but should have won) – You’re still proudly parading Gore/Lieberman 2000 around town and regularly wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “Recount!”

• My kid’s an honor student - “Wow, I’m impressed. Good for them and their high achieving child” –Not one person, ever.

• Prestigious University- Ivy League, good for you…gooooood for you. And I see that you are driving a BMW. You are certainly doing well. You must’ve majored in Conceited Studies.

• Humorous- “Shit happens”- this is OK.

• Radio station- You still listen to the radio? Why would you put a sticker on your car to let everyone know?

• Bank- Did you really put a bank bumper sticker on your car? Even people who work at that bank don’t do that.

• Religious- Translation: “I go to church every Sunday and even some other days of the week, too. I’m virtuously better than you or at least that’s what I want people to think about me. Do you think I go to church because I like it!?”

• Sports team- Translation: “On weekends I’m very busy, often multi-tasking: watching TV, drinking beer, eating nachos and shouting at a luminous box.”

• Cartoon pissing on Ford/Chevy- This sticker doesn't upset the Ford or Chevy owners as much as it does geriatrics with prostate issues who have trouble urinating.

• I'm an advocate- You eat meat and shoot things or don’t like people who eat meat and shoot things.

• American flag- Translation: “Everyone take notice of my patriotism; I bought this at the gas station. No it wasn’t made in China. It was made in the Philippines. There’s a difference!”

• Confederate flag- Translation: “I’m tolerant.” You probably live in San Francisco and drive a Prius.

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.

Craigslist Craziness: TV Want Ad

This is a real Craigslist want ad for a free television [Location, names and other sensitive info has been changed], below is the correspondence of the e-mail exchange and events that took place between the wanted ad inquirer and Greathouse of Humor (GoH):

Want a free tv 36 inch or bigger (Freeville)

Do you have a tv that works but don’t want it anymore that is 36 inch or bigger but don’t want it anymore my husband will pick it can’t afford to buy a new or use tv right now but can hardly see the face on my 20 inch and can’t afford new glasses right now. Thanks

GoH replies:
Hi, saw your want ad and think I can help. My 52” Samsung (see attached picture)is too small for my new entertainment center and I have no room for it elsewhere or I would keep it. Where in Freeville do you live? I’ll have my son drop it off.
Thanks,
Jason

Free TV Wanter:
Yes that would be great I would love to have the tv I am home all day drop it off at any time my address is [address deleted]. Thank you very much
Sheila

GoH:
Okay, Sheila, I will have my son drop the TV off tomorrow afternoon, around 3, at your residence. Is that a good time for you? Do you need him to help bringing it into your house?

-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
Yah 3 is good if your son could help my husband bringing it in that would be helpful because I can’t probably lift it. thanks Sheila

[One day goes by]

Free TV Wanter:
Jason I don’t think your son came by I was home all day and didn’t hear anyone knock or anything what happened. Sheila

GoH:
I am so sorry Sheila, my son dropped off the TV at the wrong house, must’ve written the wrong address down. Here’s where he said he dropped it off at: [address near her house]. You can try getting it back, just let them know what happened. We are very busy and I would get it myself but there is a family emergency. Let me know what happens.

-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
I went to the place you said and it’s a 7-11 store I think your son is lieing or sold the tv or something you need to figure out what he did with the tv.

GoH:
You were right Sheila, my son tried to sell the TV to a friend but I have it back now. This is a very stressful time for the family and me; I cannot believe he did this. I am so sorry. I have the TV and he promises to deliver it to you, properly, this time. Expect him to come by around 10, tomorrow morning, if that’s good for you.
Thanks,
Jason

Free TV Wanter:
Ok that is good .Sheila

[52” TV box is dropped off at residence filled with rocks to simulate weight of TV, knocked on door at 5AM and took off]

Free TV Wanter:
I got scared and woked up cause someone bangged on my door so early and my husband was working so I see it’s the tv I hurt my back bringing it up my steps cause I didn’t want to leave it outside someone could steel it and I open it and it’s full of rocks no tv! Your son is a little [expletive] wht the hell is going on and I want that tv already find where it is and I will come and get it please. Sheila

GoH:
I’m so, so sorry for what happened. I cannot express to you how disappointed I am with my son, Sheila. His vehicle has been taken away from him and he is undoubtedly grounded for a week, except for Saturday because he has a Creed concert to go to, but he is in serious trouble. Unfortunately, I am very busy with work and the family emergency; otherwise I would personally deliver the TV, but I will have to have my son deliver it to you again. I want him to go over to your house, deliver the TV, set it up and apologize to you. I’m also going to give you a DVD player that my son purchased with his own money. I know you just want to be able to enjoy watching TV on a bigger screen. Please let me know how things go.
-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
I geuss that is ok, just make sure there is no trouble or I am done with all this [expletive]. Sheila

[Later the next day]

Free TV Wanter:
What the [expletive] your piece of [expletives deleted] son came and screwed us over!! Your son came and apologized and put the tv up and everything together and left and then after the cops came to my house and said my car licenses plates was seen leaving a burglary with a tv and then your son showed up and identified me and my husband and said was his tv! I was in a cop car for an hour with neighbors waching and your son finally decided to not press charges and he took the TV and everything back and left and I go back inside and my tv is broked on the floor!!! that little piece of [expletives deleted]!!! [expletive] you and your [expletive] son you [expletives deleted]!!!!

GoH:
OMG! I am so sorry about all of this, Sheila. I was wondering what happened when my son came back saying you didn’t want the TV. It’s in wonderful condition and the picture is crystal clear; looking into my house, from my backyard, I was able to read the ESPN ticker no problem. Then I get your email and see what has really happened. My son will be grounded for another business week, five days, he is still allowed to go the the Creed concert, but I told him he is restricted from waiving his glowing iPhone screen when everyone in the crowd does and cannot sing along to any of the good songs, which really, none of them are good, so there will be no singing. I think it’s best we part ways and forget this ever happened. Sorry again about this whole ordeal.
-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
You are a real [expletive] you and your son I would sue you if I had money to. Go [expletive] yourself [expletive]!!!!!!!

[No further correspondence in this email thread]

[Surprisingly, the TV want ad is not taken down, so GoH sends another email from a different email address]

GoH alternative reply:
I would love to have your old 20” TV. My 10” black and white is getting old and it’s hard to see without sitting right in front of it or using binoculars from the couch. Since you are going to get another TV, a much bigger one, can I come and get your 20” TV? When is a good time to come pick it up or check it out?

Thank you,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
NO the tv is broke if you don’t have a TV to give then do not email me please

GoH:
What is with the attitude? Have you tried plugging the TV in? That could be the problem. What is your address? I can come pick it up.
Thanks,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
The tv is smashed ok! It don’t matter if it plugged in you idiot you can’t have it or fix it please stop your bothering me

GoH:
I saw your want ad and was going to do a good deed and surprise you with a new 40” flatscreen TV when I came to your house to “look” at your old TV. What is your address? I will come by and drop off the TV tomorrow.

Thank you,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
Are you serius cause I don’t want to be screwed wit?

GoH:
Yeeaah, I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the TV. Please just let me come over and take a quick look at the TV, I know I could fix it. I cannot stop thinking about your TV. I don’t care if it’s broken, I just know I'd be able to make it work. How about I just drop by, I’ll bring a 12-pack of beer and you let me see the TV from across the room. Sound good?

Thank you,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
Ok Frederic, if you bring the beer you can come see the tv my address is [address censored] so just come by tomorrow at 6 and have the beer only then you can come in.

GoH:
That sounds excellent, I will definitely be there tomorrow with the beer, lolz, I will bring it, I promise. Thank you very much.

[The next day at 5:55PM]

GoH:
Hey, I changed my mind, not going to come see the TV. I drank the 12-pack and am not feeling good. I wondered what beer tasted like so I drank all of these O’Doul’s. Beer tastes terrible FYI, I don’t know why I drank all of them, I feel soooooo drunk right now. Plus, my mom had to take my little sister to soccer and couldn’t bring me to see the TV. How about tomorrow? I will come by with another 12-pack of O’Doul’s.
Thanks,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
[Expletive] off kid!

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: The Super Bowl of "Investing"

Editor’s note: This is a guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews. Jeffrey does some accounting and financial related work for GoH. After bugging us to let him write an article about investment advice, we finally gave in and let him write something up. He purportedly has spot-on, yet eccentric, advice on investing and finance. 

Hello readers of this excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor. The editors at Greathouse of Humor have kindly allowed me to write an investment advice article. I’ve been doing this investment thing for a long time and have been very, very successful. I now own, outright, a recreational vehicle that I currently live in, because I like to travel, now that I am semi-retired at the age of 48.

In this article I am going to reveal some of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies. I was told to keep things relevant, but that is not a problem for me, my procedures thrive on relevancy. Most every stock I buy is a consequence of current events.

The American male’s holiday of manliness is upon us, the Super Bowl. I find it’s an excellent opportunity to invest. The first thing I do is buy a bunch tabloids, watch TMZ and keep a close eye on famous peoples’ Tweets. Why? People of influence drive the economy. Are the Octomom’s kids dressed in Packers apparel? Is Owen Wilson wearing Steelers wrist-sweatbands? Did Wilmer Valderama tweet that he loves the Steelers? These are all things that lead to lots of sales and act as guide for where to invest.

Through extensive research I discovered that Nike is the apparel brand behind these teams. If I go online and see that TMZ’s video of the Octomom’s kids in Packers apparel (made by Nike) has been viewed by 5,000 people, then it’s utterly apparent that most Americans will be buying this for their kids. Same thing if Wilmer Valderama had a Steelers hat on that was shown on TMZ. This means that you should be buying Nike stock, because it is about to skyrocket. For every 1,000 views a prominent video from a celebrity like this gets, I purchase 500 shares (that’s a ratio of 27 ¼: π) of that company’s stock.

Next, the most important step of all, watching the Super Bowl commercials. Funniness of a commercial is directly correlated to sales. Rule of thumb: the amount of time you laugh equates to the number of shares that should be bought. If I am laughing for the entire duration of the commercial I will undoubtedly buy at least $3500 worth of shares for whatever product that commercial is advertising. That night and the next day when those commercials show up on YouTube is when I get a good chance to watch them.

Here is how I gauge how many shares to purchase after watching these commercials on YouTube: watch a video twice and still laugh equals 250 shares, watch five times and still laughing is 500 shares, pee my pants laughing (even just a little) after ten views equals 3,000 shares, neighbors call the police due to unremitting screaming (my laughter) I will generally buy a minimum of 10,000 shares and hold the stock for six months.

An alternative investment option is direct procurement. I choose one commercial every year that I really like and buy up a bunch of that product to put into storage and sell down the line after it has accrued tremendous value and demand is high in the collector’s market. For example, I have a storage unit absolutely jam packed full of Doritos. Not only are Doritos delicious and their Super Bowl ads hilarious, but the bags of chips with Super Bowl related content on the packaging will be worth an absolute fortune to sports memorabilia and food collectors alike. Wise investors buy Doritos, just make sure to get a climate controlled storage unit as not to spoil the chips.

On a side note, you can buy other products as well. One year I bought a car, I think it's a Hyundai, based on a stunning commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. It’s now in a storage unit, I’m just waiting for the right time to put it on market as “the car that was advertised in a Super Bowl commercial.”

My tips are guaranteed money-making investments. I hope I helped people with my investment and financial advice. Please post any questions in the comments.

Constipated Man Eager to Finish Book

All 47 year-old Minneapolis resident, Bill Haste, wanted to do was finish reading The Davinci Code; a book that he had been unhurriedly reading for over two years whilst sitting on the toilet. With only 15 pages left, Mr. Haste was one decent discharge away from completion. Then, the unthinkable happened: Bill Haste couldn’t poop. “I can’t describe how disappointed I am with my inability to take a dump,” Mr. Haste passionately expressed. Bill was fervent to finish the book, only to have an act of God, in the form of intestinal impediment, present itself at the absolute worst time.

“It’s the principal of the thing,” says Bill, “I have been slowly chipping away at this book for so long that to even think of reading it while not on the toilet, just doesn’t make sense at this point.” Bill’s commitment to toilet-reading has conditioned him to only want to read in that particular environment. His bowel barricade is blocking more than his internals, but his reading habits as well.

Nearing a week in duration, the defecation difficulty is starting to take its toll on Bill’s psyche. “I try not to let the issue clog my mind, but I can’t even count how many different things I’ve tried to rectify...my rectum. I can't work it out, absolutely nothing is helping.” His list of hole-hindrance remedies includes: incessantly munching on chocolate laxatives, walking his dog so he can watch it poop, looked at (but did not read) the children’s book Everyone Poops, introduced his butt to countless enema and even consumed some questionable clam chowder.

One who analyzes the situation might think that with an extended o-ring obstruction, as in Bill’s case, there would be even more time spent on the toilet trying to break the defecation dam. Jeff counters, “My constipation has reached the point where I have no urges whatsoever to unload, it’s been nearly a week, so I stopped attempting altogether.” Bill is most certainly no quitter, but he’s also certainly no shitter.

 

At this point it is unknown when Bill will crack the constipation code. If there is one thing we do know, it’s that when it comes time for Bill to face the feces, he will do it book in-hand. Here’s hoping we can soon say “Haste makes waste.”

Editor's note: If you were wondering, yes, this entire shitty article was written so that one joke could be made at the end (more like rear end...okay, that's enough).

Guest Editorial: Fat American Pigdog Parents Ruin Their Children

Greathouse of Humor got a lot of responses to yesterday's article about the American Idol parents, this one in particular stood out to us.

Recently, I read article on this site about two bourgeoisie parents supporting their offspring in fruitless endeavor that accomplish nothing but stripping needed resource from rest of society. One parent even said, “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer.” This perfectly highlights spineless, greedy way fat American parent decide to raise their offspring. Why are you letting this child have choice in what they do when they reach adulthood? I had three children, and within two weeks of being born I assign them career which they would be trained in for next 18-20 years. Do you think Han, my glorious first-born son wanted to be doctor when he was four? I tell him, “Look little rat, you do this or I take away abacus.” Then he start learning periodic table, along with rigorous course in Latin and algebra.

The weakling parents in the article “supported” their child to the point of taking acting lessons to act surprise when child’s unrealistic aspirations come crashing down. Why? So the ungrateful, lazy offspring wouldn’t cry? True support for your child is to be strong, unyielding foundation of rock that forces your child to do what best for them. When Han used to cry into his pillow late in night, because of sheer exhaustion from eight hour academic lesson after school or hunger pangs from having his dinner withheld due to poor performance in partial fraction decomposition, I was there latching deadbolt on bedroom door every night.

I remember one day when Han told me that he wanted to go outside and play decadent American football with some capitalist progeny instead of learning how plot in three dimension. Lazy parents would let this travesty occur, with silly excuse of “free time” or “socialization.” Typical American, this is wrong kind of socialism! After I said no and Han asked me second time I slap him across the face and told him his insolence shame entire family and he was treasonous snake, roughly translated. Only after I threaten to unfriend him on Facebook, leaving him friendless, he go back to graphing. Western parents probably find this treatment harsh, but this is because you treat children as weaklings, like you are. If you treat them like strong people, they will become strong people.

While the child in the American Idol article is still living with parent and will continue to be failure in life, my Han is successful heart surgeon making millions every year from fat America. I now live with him in gigantic house, surrounded by decadence only America could come up with. Let your children lay on couch drinking soda, eating your big macs and watching Jersey Shore. My people thank you for it.


-Superior Chinese Mother

Parents of American Idol Contestant Do Their Best to Act Surprised

Bob and Maureen Nelson always knew their child, Alex, couldn’t sing. They were just doing what they thought every parent was supposed to do; feign that it’s possible to accomplish anything they set their mind to.  “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer,” explains Maureen, “but apparently when I said he could be a famous singer, he took it to heart.” This led to years of instilling false hope in Alex. Bob and Maureen were always selective with who their son sang in front of. Besides Alex’s half-deaf grandmother, he only sang in the presence of his parents, or alone, in the privacy of their own home. Mr. Nelson says, “At times, the singing could be very disturbing, with my son shrieking and moaning; we even had the neighbors call the police once. I told Alex it was a false alarm.” Then, Bob and Maureen pulled off what would be their biggest triumph yet; Alex singing to a crowd of over 100 people at his 13th, Jewish coming-of-age, birthday party. “We paid-off everyone at his Bar Mitzvah to applaud and compliment him after he sang ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’,” says Mrs. Nelson, “And let me tell ya’, the singing was really terrible, but in the end, it was well worth it. After that, he thought he really was that singer in the band…the one with the hair…George Michaelberg.” 

The insincerity struck an all time high when Alex asked his parents if he should try out for American Idol. Mrs. Nelson innocently reveals, “We knew he would most likely be humiliated on national television and mocked on the Twitter and YouToo [YouTube], but we felt we had invested too much time in building up this fictitious confidence that it would be a waste to stop now.” Bob tries to justify his actions by saying, “I was hoping he would just be so dreadful that he would be cut in the preliminary auditions.” The Nelsons knew it would not be easy to tell Alex he was not a good singer, so they decided it would be best to bring him to the audition when it came to their city.

Mr. and Mrs. Nelson planned out exactly how they were going to act when their son came out of the audition room after being rejected for his horrendous singing. “I knew we would need plenty of tissues, so I hid a small box in my purse in a spot where I could quickly grab them,” describes Mrs. Nelson.  Mr. and Mrs. Nelson even went as far as getting acting lessons.  Bob says, “We didn’t want to come off as disingenuous.” Maureen elucidates, “I needed to know how to act shocked and upset when I really wasn’t going to be, and at the same time be angry with the judges’ poor decision in not choosing Alex.”

Alex and his parents went to an audition, wherein Alex surprised his parents by making it to the celebrity-judge riddled, televised audition.  “Even though we knew he would never make it, we were still nervous,” says Mr. Nelson. During the audition the Nelsons could hear the ear-splitting shrills through the heavy doors.  “I did an interview outside the audition room with Ryan Seacrest and I even told him I wished my son would make it to Hollywood…and I think he believed me,” says Mrs. Nelson. Predictably, Alex came out crying after being eliminated. His mother Maureen was prepared with tissues and an excess of astonishment. Maureen and Bob were questioning the judges, the producers of the show and just in general, spewing skepticism at the cameras.

Mr. Nelson summarizes, “I think it went very well, both Maureen and I remembered what those acting lessons taught us and followed all the steps of the plan we made. Before we even got to the car, we had Alex convinced he was an incredible singer and to tryout again next year.”