Follow @Gr8houseofHumor

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Happy Freeze-idays from Mr. Freeze

Hello and happy Christmas from me, Mr. Freeze,
     I hope Santa brings you what you want. Christmas is my favorite holiday, for obvious reasons: I’m a Christian and Christmas music is my favorite. J/K lol, I love the cold you numbskull. I want Santa to bring me my two front teeth. J/K lol again! I want to convert my living room into a dead freezing cold room.
     Right now the living room’s pretty much just an industrial freezer, which isn’t frostless BTW. I slipped on the frost in there – not cool. And come to think of it, this wasn’t an iceolated incident. The Penguin slipped in there too. Can you believe that?! You think he’d be the one least likely to slip! And he’s always playing that “I got your nose” game with my kids, Mr. Freeze, Jr. and Ice Cube (I adopted the rapper/actor, J/K, I’m just a big fan of his work and cubes of ice). Who’s scared of a flightless bird anyways? The freezing cold, now that’s chilling. mr freeze, mr freeze cartoon
     I’d like to convert my living room into a cryogenic, liquid nitrogen climate controlled chamber. That would be the coolest! A snow couch would go great in there to chill out on. And I also want a leather jacket, because they’re just cool. But what I really want is a device that can drill to the core of the Earth where I could detonate a nuclear weapon so all of the world’s volcanoes would erupt, creating a cloud of smoke so large and dense it would block out the sun for thousands of years, causing an eternal ice age. Also, I really hate hot stuff. I tried doing this a few years ago as a “school science experiment” with Ice Cube, and when I had to explain to the Feds what I was doing, lets just say I got quite an icy reception.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

10 More Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some marijuana or cocaine?" 

1. I was just going to ask you the same thing. What a small world. Imagine if we said it at the same time. One of us would end up having to buy the other person a coke, which would be humorous considering what we're selling. Ahh, good times.
2. No thanks, I'm allergic to everything but heroin.
3. I'm a police officer......on Hallowee- Oh shit, please don't stab me, I was kidding.
4. If by marijuana and cocaine you mean drugs, then I guess I'd have to say yes.
5. How much?
6. I'm really high right now and it sounds like you might've just asked me if I wanted some drugs. If so, then yes.
7. I've never tried that before, by chance do you have any free samples like at farmers markets? Did I mention I'm amish.
8. Where do you live? How about I go to your street corner and sell drugs to your community?! What's that? People already do that and I'd get shot? That's a good point. OK, carry on.
9. What's your return policy?
10. Do you take Discover? And by Discover, I mean sucking your dick for payment, not that I would do that, but was wondering because I could really go for some cocaine and don't have any money.

10 Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some pot or cocaine?"

1. I'm on vacation in another country and have no idea who you are. Maybe you're a drug enforcement officer or maybe you just want to rob me when I take my money out. Sooo, what can I get for $500?
2. Isn't marijuana a gateway drug? No thank you! I'll take some cocaine please.
3. Do you realize you're like the 20th person to ask me that today? Ya know you look a lot like me, stop copying what I'm doing goddammit! How did I get in this gas station restroom? Where'd you go?!
4. Only if it's organically grown and processed without child labor. Oh would you look at that, the label has the story of how this bag got over the border. Transported by father of 12, Julio, and a here's a picture of him. This is great, and wow, it is organically grown. I'll take four bags, no, make it 12, to support each of his children. 
5. Do you know if it's all right to take cocaine on an empty stomach? I've had diarrhea for a few days.
6. How about if I can guess your age you let me get a small bag of marijuana for free? OK. Hmmmm, fifty...four, no three, fifty-three. And that's in meth years, so you're really only 33. Yes! Hand it over.
7. Let me help you out here, you'd make a lot more sales if you introduced yourself properly and touted the benefits of using of either of these substances. For instance, cocaine is good for suppressing memories cleaning out the sinuses. It may not really do that, but it does degrade the brain and destroy your nasal cavity. You see, it's all about making it sound good. I'll take some pot, for free, that advice is worth a lot. Trust me, I'm in pharmaceutical sales.
8. The last time someone offered me drugs, I, well....let me just get some pot, man.
9. No thanks, I'm mormon and actually (whisper) just had some coffee. 
10. I'm not sure. I've never done drugs before. Is it fun? What do you recommend? I've heard they're bad for you. Is that true? Am I asking too many questions? Sorry, I just bought this energy vitamin from someone just like you. Maybe you have it too, I'll buy more of that, it's called meth.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Ten Stupid Tips To Stop Yourself From Pigging Out At An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

1- Remind yourself that you're at an all you can eat buffet.

2- Force yourself to watch the people going in and out of the buffet for 5 minutes.

3- Drink lots of water, it's a great appetite suppressant and if you do pig out, it helps the vomit come out much easier.

4- Sprinkle poison on all the food, that way you know you can't eat it.

5- Force yourself to speak with the manager before you start eating and tell him or her that you were just kicked out of the buffet across town, then ask if they need any King Crab legs or dinner rolls.

6- To prevent yourself from pigging out at an all you can eat buffet when you know you will, make a rule that you can only serve yourself food with your mouth.

7- Don't pretend you're the health inspector like last time and request a plate of every food and then say you will need a second round just to make sure and then threaten to shut them down if they don't get a larger capacity ice cream machine after you eat all their ice cream.

8- So you don't look like a complete pig at an all you can eat buffet, make sure and stop by a McDonald's beforehand.

9- Don't tell yourself you can only eat what you can fit in your stomach.

10- Do not ask yourself what starving kids in Africa would do.

Ten Terrible Jokes About What Snooki Will Name Her Baby

1- Snooki plans to marry her boyfriend and change her last name to Lawrence. She will reportedly name her son Gary Tyler Lawrence, and call him GTL for short.

2- Snooki plans on naming her child after the place it was conceived. The child will most likely be named Denny's bathroom. 

3- Snooki wants to name her child after one of her Jersey Shore castmates. Jenni if it's a girl, Pauly if it's a boy, or The Situation if it's ugly.

4- Snooki's baby will be her first child, so she plans on naming it something very important to her, Booze.

5- Snooki made a deal with a bodyspray company and named her child Axe. Although, Eedent was an odd choice for a middle name.

6- Because Snooki's child will bring her a lot of publicity when it's born, she already has a name picked out whether it's a boy or a girl: Available For Parties.

7- Snooki supposedly came up with a name for her child while drunk at a club. We'll let you know as soon as she stops vomiting and can tell us.

8- Snooki wants her child to have a better life than her. So she decided to name her kid Jersey Shore Hawaii.

9 If Snooki has a boy she wants to make sure he does well in school, so she'll name him DJ Pauly A+.

10- Snooki wants her son to work in finance, so she will name him Bookie.