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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Faith-based blogging with prankster Billy Sallies

Hi there, I'm Billy Sallies, a Christian and a part-time prankster. I share faith-related, lighthearted, and humorous stories. 

The other day I was in a local restaurant, just about to say grace, and I hear this guy sitting near me say he's an atheist, so I followed him home. I discover that he lives in a pretty nice house. (I know, atheists have houses??? I thought they all lived in shared sinner condos or something). I wanted to see where this guy lived, what his lawn looked like, what kind of shampoo he used, how he showers. (He starts with his feet! I know right, weeeiird). So turns out this guy’s a real creepy Weirdy McWeirdo, which I already suspected, with him being an atheist and all. 

So I'm in this guy's house, kinda just silently observing him from the shadows, just watching him, trying to figure out what makes an atheist an atheist, and I'm thinking about leaving, but I decided that before I go I'm gonna do something to this guy. I'll do one of my patented pranks on him, maybe paint his toenails or fart in his face when he’s sleeping; something really funny like that. But I decided to scare him straight…to Jesus. I would wait until he sneezed, and say "God blesses you," pretending to be God saying God bless you to this guy. I know, hilarious. I found a nice kitchen closet to hide in and wait until he fell asleep, which was a long time, like four and a half hours. He had plenty of food in there to snack on though. Thank the Lord he was storing some canned hams in this closet I was hiding in and that I have a stainless steel crucifix on my keychain; which I was able to use to open the can and jab his dog with so it would stop trying to get some ham scraps. Sorry, not all dogs go to heaven, especially ones with atheist owners. Again, how weird, the guy had this closet full of food(???). 

Somehow I fell asleep for like an hour or two, but what woke me up was this guy's sneeze. He was a yell-sneezer, totally uncalled for yell that accompanies his sneeze, which I despise, but it’s what woke me up to prank him, so I can’t complain. I right away say, “God blesses you,” in this real virtuous, deep voice. And let me tell you, it put the fear of God in him. He got real upset and started shouting, “who’s there” and that he “had a gun” and would call the cops. Which is hilarious; because you can’t call the cops on God, buddy. Just doesn’t work like that, you silly atheist.  

So I decided I should probably explain this to him and ask where his garbage was so I could toss away this canned ham tin. I may be a prankster, but I'm no pig. He must have thought I was God or something, because he was super scared, like he knew he would be going to hell for his lack of faith. Which is funny, because I had a hell of a time explaining to the police what happened the next day after I woke from surgery to get the bullet removed from my shoulder. The police, the judge, and even my lawyer must have been atheists too, because they didn’t believe much of my story either. 

If there’s one thing I learned from all of this, it’s that atheists have NO sense of humor. None at all. I can’t recall how many times I snuck into a Christian’s home and never been shot; getting pepper sprayed is different. There's no pill that can heal like prayer does. You know who has good wifi? Jewish people. Do they believe in God? Gotta go, OMG looks like this Jewish guy’s about to sneeze his yam-u-ku off.

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