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Monday, March 21, 2011

Remember Me: Alternate Endings From the Cutting Room Floor

"Remember Me", otherwise known as the 9/11 exploitation movie due to the fact that the conclusion of the movie, spectacularly and most tastefully, portrays star Robert Pattinson as perishing in one of the Trade Center towers…on 9/11…in a completely bespoke, explicable ending. Below is an alternate ending(s) from the cutting room floor:
Using the restroom in an office on one of the top floors of the Trade Center buildings, waiting for his father, Pattinson is shown reading a newspaper. The camera zooms in on the date [September 11th, 2001] and cuts to black; hold blank black screen for 20 seconds with obvious airplane noise heard throughout. Slowly fading to next frame; Pattinson is shown waking up in a cold sweat at his home. He walks downstairs, toasts and English muffin and sips some orange juice. At this point the screen turns black and the credits just begin to roll across the screen. But it’s not over!

Pattinson wakes up again; he’s back in the building. He just woke up from a nap while lying on a nice leather couch in his father’s office. He picks up a teen magazine sitting on a glass coffee table, it’s emblazoned with vampires on the cover [date displayed is the eleventyth of septumber], but soon after, Pattinson dozes off, AGAIN. He wakes up to people barking orders and unsettling turbulence. He is sitting in the window seat of an airplane; as he glances out the window he notices the Statue of Liberty. The flight is obviously off-track.

Werewolves have hijacked the plane! Pattinson quickly transforms into a vampire to halt the hijacking. He first stops in the lavatory to check his appearance but cannot see himself in the mirror. This turns out to be his downfall because as soon as he transforms back to human to be able to see his reflection a werewolf attacks his pale and frail human body; eating him whole with one giant bite. HOWEVER, Pattinson transforms back into a vampire, bursting out of the werewolf, killing it in the process. He says, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew your food?"

The movie abruptly cuts to show Pattinson waking up on a cot in a cave (at this point the audience thinks they are watching Inception, that is, if it had come out before this terrible movie). Through Pattinson’s eyes we see a tall, cloaked, bearded man looking down on him; he mumbles some unintelligible language that isn’t English. Subtitles read: “Here, have some water.” Pattinson sits up, has a sip of water that the man offered him. We see the oddly familiar face of the bizarre bearded man one more time and suddenly the screen cuts to black and the credits roll. The movie is over…or is it?

Inquisitive individuals who read the credits see that the “Bearded Man in Cave/Osama bin Laden” was played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Those who sit through to the end of the credits find that the movie has not ended; through a series of flashbacks, Pattinson discovers he was DEAD the entire time. [Fade to black, roll credits] Those who are still in the theater then see the real credits and list Pattinson’s character as actually being played by Bruce Willis the entire time and actor Leonardo DiCaprio playing Osama Bin Laden was really M. Night Shyamalan!!

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