How to Nail a Job Interview

• Attire: Do not wear a suit. You heard right. Don’t wear a suit. Everyone wears a suit, even Hillary Clinton, and you want to stick out. Upon entering the interview room, slyly state, “the suit’s at the dry cleaners, been on a ton of interviews lately.” You should subsequently query, “Could we hurry this up? I have real important interview pretty soon and need to pick up my suit.” Dress casual, like you were on your way to the Laundromat but stopped by for an interview because it happened to be on your way.

• Résumé: Words of wisdom: A little fibbing goes a long way. Lets say you were recently an Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, but were fired because you “sampled too much food.” A slight distortion of words could make the difference in helping you land the position. What this means is, you take a title like assistant and convert it to Vice President. The end result of the conversion is Assistant Manager = V.P. of Operations. In theory, you were the V.P. of Operations at that store. Don’t sell yourself short; a little undamaging untruth never hurt anyone.

o  Education:  The main lesson to be learned here is creative rearrangement. So you paid for an online degree from University of Phoenix, simply creatively rearrange those letters to UPenn, a prestigious Ivy League university. Important: omit the unnecessary leftover letters.

o  Helpful Hint: If ever asked about your previous position or education, change the topic immediately, pretending you didn’t understand or make something up. Example: “I was so drunk, I do not remember much,” or, “OMG! Is that spider on your head?!” Another option is to say you cannot speak of your previous employment due to the top-secret nature of the work.

• Interview Questions: There’s a vast array of hard-hitting interview questions, but one is the most common, and when answered correctly, can help you avoid any other questions: “What is your greatest weakness?” By answering, “My greatest weakness is answering job interview questions,” you immediately alert the interviewer to why you are so terrible at answering interview questions; eliminating the entire question and answer process of the job interview. This enables your fibbed-up resume to stand out.

• Introduction: Shaking hands is customary to most any interaction where people are meeting each other for the first time; it’s also a glaring signal that you are exceedingly desperate for the position. If anything, extend your palm for a low five, saying; “down-low,” and quickly pull your hand away only to say, “too slow.” Conversely, one could also ignore the outward hand or present a limp, lifeless appendage for the person to uncomfortably shake, as a way of saying, “after I’m hired, you’ll be lucky I don’t fire you.”

• Eye Contact: Eye contact displays attentiveness and interest. Avoid eye contact at all costs. This is probably the most common mistake. Do not ever appear needy or like you actually want the job.

• Body Language/Behavior: Sit back and relax, put your feet up if you have to; you don’t ever want to appear nervous during the interview. Make it known that you are a busy person and have better things to do with your time. Work out a crossword puzzle, you could even interrupt the interviewer to ask for some help. “Oh, this sounds like you, maybe you can help with nine across. What is a three letter word for a donkey…that starts with A?” You will get bored, it’s going to happen, job interviews are some of the dullest moments of a persons’ existence. To combat the boredom you should read a newspaper or play Angry Birds on your phone or even leave the room. “Don’t stop, I’ll be right back.”

• Lunch Interview: Eat lunch during your interview, particularly if it is not a lunch interview. Remember, you are very busy and need to get to your next interview refreshed and ready, so you are eating lunch during this mind-numbing interview. Don’t ask, just bring in your lunch and begin eating. It is in good judgment to offer the interviewer a bite if they look hungry.

• Inner-interview: Carry out an over-the-phone interview during your interview. Have a friend call you at a specified time, or even text them when you are ready, because you should be on your phone anyways, and begin to answer some scripted questions, making it sound like you are doing very well. After finishing the phone interview you can assuredly say, “Wow, Google is really desperate for me to work for them. Did you get all of that or should I repeat anything?”

The overall goal of these techniques is to exhibit great disinterest, in turn making the prospective employer sell to you. Turn the tables. Remember, leave the suit at home, ignore the handshake, rearrange the resume, spin the interview questions, avoid eye contact, bored is good, eat lunch without asking, get interviewed during the interview and generally do not give a damn. You will not have to wait to see if you received the job, these techniques guarantee the position immediately after the interview. It is recommended you tell the employer you will think about it and request double whatever salary they offer, refusing to accept any less. Most often the employer will offer triple, thereafter. These tactics work 100% of the time, dare to use other methods at your own risk.

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.

Review: Honey Bunches of Oats

Yesterday I was in the supermarket and couldn’t decide between corn flakes, frosted flakes, a cereal with almonds or one with crunchy clusters...so I just stood there...standing (yes, I stood there, standing)...irresolute...vacillating with uncertainty. Partly because I had no idea how I got in the store (it was because I took an Ambien), but for the most part because I was having a hell of a time deciding which cereal to buy.

I would reach out to grab a box and then stop halfway. A box would find its way into my cart and I would immediately put it back. At one point I even had four different types of cereal in my cart. “No way I’m buying all these different cereals. There’s just no way.” While I’m saying this to myself, the stockboy is staring at me. “Why did I ever decide to come in here with a robe on and slippers today?” I thought to myself. My attire had undermined any wisp of non-creepiness I had when I entered the store. Time was not on my side, a choice had to be made.

A crowd was starting to form. People were taking bets on what choice I was going to make. Okay, maybe that didn’t really happen; I mistook the crowd for a mom with a bunch of kids that I saw from the corner of my eye. Nonetheless, I had to get home. I was hungry. I decided to just close my eyes and grab a box. After spinning around several times, I stuck my arm out and grabbed what felt like a big bag of marshmallows; it was an elderly woman’s buttocks. She had apparently bent over in front of me to pick up a penny. I quickly tried to explain it was an honest mistake, however, she struck me with her purse before I could finish my explanation and take my hand off her bottom. Luckily, she hurried off soon after. 

This was beginning to become a disaster. I needed cereal and I needed it fast. My neck was cranked, after the purse smack, to an area of the aisle I wasn’t looking at before, and then I saw it: Honey Bunches of Oats. It had everything I was looking for in a cereal: the corn flakes, frosted flakes, almonds, crunchy clusters, and even some stuff I wasn’t looking for, like granola oat things (which look like they are perfectly sized to block an unsuspecting windpipe). But most importantly, the cereal denotes healthiness, while it’s actually not really all that healthy. I like that. Looks good in the pantry if someone sees it, but doesn’t taste like wood chips. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in a cereal? Unfortunately, before I could pick up a box the manager told me to leave.

Long story short, I went home and bought this multi-pack on Amazon. It tastes like no cereal I have ever had before. And you know me, (edit: you probably don’t), I’ve had a lot of cereal. If you are on the fence about trying this cereal, don’t be. I think it was well worth the inadvertent old woman butt squeeze and getting banned from the store. But that’s just me.

Lessons I learned:

Honey Bunches of Oats is awesome.

Going into the real world is overrated. Especially when MTV has a show called The Real World, which I can watch from the comfort of my own home. And let me tell ya, when people start getting real, it gets real, really quick. That’s the slogan for the show, if you didn’t know.

Buying food online is fun!

Don’t take Ambien. Ever.

Link to the review on Amazon

Guest Editorial: Fat American Pigdog Parents Ruin Their Children

Greathouse of Humor got a lot of responses to yesterday's article about the American Idol parents, this one in particular stood out to us.

Recently, I read article on this site about two bourgeoisie parents supporting their offspring in fruitless endeavor that accomplish nothing but stripping needed resource from rest of society. One parent even said, “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer.” This perfectly highlights spineless, greedy way fat American parent decide to raise their offspring. Why are you letting this child have choice in what they do when they reach adulthood? I had three children, and within two weeks of being born I assign them career which they would be trained in for next 18-20 years. Do you think Han, my glorious first-born son wanted to be doctor when he was four? I tell him, “Look little rat, you do this or I take away abacus.” Then he start learning periodic table, along with rigorous course in Latin and algebra.

The weakling parents in the article “supported” their child to the point of taking acting lessons to act surprise when child’s unrealistic aspirations come crashing down. Why? So the ungrateful, lazy offspring wouldn’t cry? True support for your child is to be strong, unyielding foundation of rock that forces your child to do what best for them. When Han used to cry into his pillow late in night, because of sheer exhaustion from eight hour academic lesson after school or hunger pangs from having his dinner withheld due to poor performance in partial fraction decomposition, I was there latching deadbolt on bedroom door every night.

I remember one day when Han told me that he wanted to go outside and play decadent American football with some capitalist progeny instead of learning how plot in three dimension. Lazy parents would let this travesty occur, with silly excuse of “free time” or “socialization.” Typical American, this is wrong kind of socialism! After I said no and Han asked me second time I slap him across the face and told him his insolence shame entire family and he was treasonous snake, roughly translated. Only after I threaten to unfriend him on Facebook, leaving him friendless, he go back to graphing. Western parents probably find this treatment harsh, but this is because you treat children as weaklings, like you are. If you treat them like strong people, they will become strong people.

While the child in the American Idol article is still living with parent and will continue to be failure in life, my Han is successful heart surgeon making millions every year from fat America. I now live with him in gigantic house, surrounded by decadence only America could come up with. Let your children lay on couch drinking soda, eating your big macs and watching Jersey Shore. My people thank you for it.


-Superior Chinese Mother

Parents of American Idol Contestant Do Their Best to Act Surprised

Bob and Maureen Nelson always knew their child, Alex, couldn’t sing. They were just doing what they thought every parent was supposed to do; feign that it’s possible to accomplish anything they set their mind to.  “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer,” explains Maureen, “but apparently when I said he could be a famous singer, he took it to heart.” This led to years of instilling false hope in Alex. Bob and Maureen were always selective with who their son sang in front of. Besides Alex’s half-deaf grandmother, he only sang in the presence of his parents, or alone, in the privacy of their own home. Mr. Nelson says, “At times, the singing could be very disturbing, with my son shrieking and moaning; we even had the neighbors call the police once. I told Alex it was a false alarm.” Then, Bob and Maureen pulled off what would be their biggest triumph yet; Alex singing to a crowd of over 100 people at his 13th, Jewish coming-of-age, birthday party. “We paid-off everyone at his Bar Mitzvah to applaud and compliment him after he sang ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’,” says Mrs. Nelson, “And let me tell ya’, the singing was really terrible, but in the end, it was well worth it. After that, he thought he really was that singer in the band…the one with the hair…George Michaelberg.” 

The insincerity struck an all time high when Alex asked his parents if he should try out for American Idol. Mrs. Nelson innocently reveals, “We knew he would most likely be humiliated on national television and mocked on the Twitter and YouToo [YouTube], but we felt we had invested too much time in building up this fictitious confidence that it would be a waste to stop now.” Bob tries to justify his actions by saying, “I was hoping he would just be so dreadful that he would be cut in the preliminary auditions.” The Nelsons knew it would not be easy to tell Alex he was not a good singer, so they decided it would be best to bring him to the audition when it came to their city.

Mr. and Mrs. Nelson planned out exactly how they were going to act when their son came out of the audition room after being rejected for his horrendous singing. “I knew we would need plenty of tissues, so I hid a small box in my purse in a spot where I could quickly grab them,” describes Mrs. Nelson.  Mr. and Mrs. Nelson even went as far as getting acting lessons.  Bob says, “We didn’t want to come off as disingenuous.” Maureen elucidates, “I needed to know how to act shocked and upset when I really wasn’t going to be, and at the same time be angry with the judges’ poor decision in not choosing Alex.”

Alex and his parents went to an audition, wherein Alex surprised his parents by making it to the celebrity-judge riddled, televised audition.  “Even though we knew he would never make it, we were still nervous,” says Mr. Nelson. During the audition the Nelsons could hear the ear-splitting shrills through the heavy doors.  “I did an interview outside the audition room with Ryan Seacrest and I even told him I wished my son would make it to Hollywood…and I think he believed me,” says Mrs. Nelson. Predictably, Alex came out crying after being eliminated. His mother Maureen was prepared with tissues and an excess of astonishment. Maureen and Bob were questioning the judges, the producers of the show and just in general, spewing skepticism at the cameras.

Mr. Nelson summarizes, “I think it went very well, both Maureen and I remembered what those acting lessons taught us and followed all the steps of the plan we made. Before we even got to the car, we had Alex convinced he was an incredible singer and to tryout again next year.”

Fight Funnies: Steve "Stinky Pits" Mazzagati

Suspicious Incident ALERT!

UCF is University of Central Florida
*UCF ALERT!!* Garage H & A are closed due to a suspicious incident, UCF Police are on site. Sent to All users (E-mail, Pagers, Cell phones) through UCF ALERT. 
 
UCF Police have closed parking garages H and A due to a suspicious incident. We just wanted to let all 50,000+ people know what was going on in case anyone drove up to the police barricade and decided to drive around it, oblivious to the flashing lights, general police activities, and officers shouting to stop your vehicle. This is also to the blindfold club, in case any member is wandering the campus, somehow gets past the police in the vicinity, and winds up in one of the mentioned garages. 
 
Police also are keeping traffic away from the areas where the garages are located, so for real, do not drive up onto the scene and try to get around us; thinking why are these cops parked here leaving their flashers on and chit-chatting in front of the garage when I need to get in.

*UCF ALERT!!* Garage A and H are now OPEN - ALL CLEAR – Turns out it was a Walmart bag that a student forgot in the garage after shopping that happened to have an alarm clock in it. The ticking noise made a student (obviously, not the brightest of pupils, well this is UCF) think there could be a bomb inside. Because this could be a serious threat to safety we had to take it seriously, notifying authorities. Maybe the Walmart bag could have been a hint that this was a bag someone forgot. The alarm clock still in its packaging, personal items and a receipt hanging out of the bag was another clue this was perhaps more of a lost and found case than a bomb threat. Again, we are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, especially the potheads who like to walk the garages and laugh at the echo of their voice off the walls and the homeless guy, who won’t get this message, that likes to defecate under the stairwells.

Neck Traction Product Review

Amazon Review of an inflatable, extremely awkward, neck traction device. Posted under the name Hugh Jass:

I am a terrible sloucher, very poor posture. My nickname in high school was headless Harry because my head was down so low that if anyone would see me from behind it'd appear that I had no head. I tried many devices and apparatuses to improve my posture, even using those neck rings that those asian women wear; stacked up about 10 of those around my neck and found it to be very uncomfortable. Plus, it's very embarrassing when you have to call the fire department to cut you out of it. So when I stumbled upon this product I couldn't believe it. Absolutely wonderful, why didn't I think of this. Inflatable so you can customize the amount of support needed. I hook up my compressor to that thing and blow it up as much as I can without it popping, and I am good to go. I did go unconscious in a Walmart parking lot once because I think I overinflated it, cut off the blood supply to my head. Needless to say, when I woke up with my rear end hurting so bad and my pants down I thought, wow this product is great, I fell so hard that my butt hurts this bad but my neck feels fine. I was unfortunately in a car accident recently and had the Neck Traction on, and again my neck was fine, no whiplash, nothing. Be aware that Neck Traction can impede your vision because it keeps your head up so high you are nearly staring into the sky, not that easy to see directly in front of you. But I cannot begin to tell you how many things I missed with my bad posture: airplanes, weather patterns, birds and I have a new appreciation for what high noon means now.

I never knew how dirty the ceiling was in my house, cobwebs everywhere, another benefit of Neck Traction. I don't take this thing off, shower with it even. Hard to swim with it on, but you will never drown; don't attempt to scuba dive with this thing on, you will be dissapointed. I love playing the guitar, but had to quit because I can't see the strings to play, so that's a con, but I wouldn't trade this thing for the world. Don't attempt to babysit little kids either, was watching my grandkids and couldn't see them, knew they were down there, could hear noises when I stepped on them and their toys. Jeez, I don't think I tripped so much in my life, those kids and all those toys. I know where I am in my house, memorized the floorplan so I have an idea of where I am. So, you can see the benefits of Neck Traction clearly outweigh the costs. This product is worth every cent, takes some getting used to. That's just part of the fun! Yay good posture!


Don't suffer any longer!

Catan Boredgame Review

This is a review of the Settlers of Catan boardgame, which I posted on this site in the comments of a learn how to play article:  http://hubpages.com/hub/Learn-to-Play-Settlers-of-Catan

I've had this game sitting in my closet for about 15 years, haven't touched it, my grandmother gave it to me for my birthday when I was a kid and it seemed like the stupidest game.  Upon further review, it is. I don't know if this article confirms that or not, I didn't read it. What I can say is, if you are in need of some kindling in the winter when you are out of newspaper, grab this game. Actually, you should probably toss out this game, it pretty much burst into flames when I dropped a match on it. Plus, those little game pieces are sized perfectly for stuffing into nostrils. I had a cousin who enjoyed shoving them up his nose, only had to go the ER a few times to have them removed. All those midget houses and road pieces are misplaced immediately, mostly up my cousins' nose. The concept is pretty boring, just by glancing at this article, seems like a game given to prisoners to pass the time/induce torture. Build a road or settlement; resource cards consisting of wood, sheep and wheat; exhilarating shit here. Can't wait to build my road to make a town and populate it with wheat to feed me and the sheep, that I may or may not do inappropriate things with...you have no proof, unless you can fashion a camera out of wheat, wood and brick. Catan is that board game you can't give away at garage sale. "But sir, it uses all the Earth's resources, like rock AND brick!" "Now that you mention that is has rock and brick, I might be interested. Tell me sheep and wood are included in those resources and I'm sold" "Not only that, but it has wheat too". "What the *#&@ was I thinking passing this up. I really like rocks and bricks, but when combined with sheep and wheat or even wood, it creates such a magical effervescence that I think I may have just crapped my pants thinking about it."

Reviewer: 20SidedDie: "The best part about playing Catan is really just being around friends, drinking an O'Doul's and having fun. Racing to build roads and get brick and sheep shipments from the port. Does life get any better?

You know you have good friends when they can sit through a game of Catan. Usually they pass out after hour 6, and that's when I pretend they are sheep."

Catan: A game of wits, wheat and sheep...mostly wheat and sheep.


Here's a real response from someone who is less than happy with the review, which I posted under the name, Hugh Jass:

Grow up Hugh Jass 9 days ago

I truly can't believe that the above person wasted so much time and energy on a 'game'. It's a game - get real, get with it, it's not the end of the world, don't like it move on, but most importantly - hopefully you will eventually grow up and realize how immature your rant really was. Just because you didn't like it doesn't mean everyone else has to have your opnion. Obviously you should have asked your Gramma for another gift!

Area Man Unfortunately Survives Accident, Lifts Car Off Self

For years Nick Peterson disregarded use of any other machine or piece of workout equipment his gym had to offer, solely utilizing the bench press. Often shouting when entering the gym, "HEY, someone spot me!” was a common site at Flex Fitness of Indialantic, FL. Frequenting the facility twice per day, Peterson began developing his pectoral muscles to show off while wearing tight shirts. But in a strange twist of fate, his ballooned chest helped absorb the impact of a speeding automobile that struck him yesterday afternoon. His abnormally and enormously developed chest also enabling him to lift the vehicle, a 1992 Ford Taurus, off himself after a believed drunk driver jumped a curb, landing on top of Mr. Peterson.

A passerby who witnessed the accident and incredible feat of strength recalls the incident:

“I saw this car swerving and all of a sudden it jumped the curb, landing on top of some guy, before I could even get close to the accident the car began to almost levitate. I looked around and thought there was a crane or wires lifting it off the ground; then this guy got out from underneath it, told the driver to ‘be more careful next time’ and mentioned his chest may have bent the frame.” 

Paramedics on the scene that afternoon explained, “If this were to happen to any other person they would have most likely been seriously injured.” Another paramedic commented, “The only other person that comes to mind who could have possibly survived something like this is that stripper with breasts so large she can crush beer cans with’em, yeah, she probably could have survived the accident, but, there’s no way she could’ve lifted a car. That is freakish strength.”

It is now being reported that Peterson is being sued for damages caused to the supposed drunk drivers vehicle. The driver now claiming they were not intoxicated, rather, became so distracted by the outward expanse coming from Mr. Peterson’s chest, lost control of the vehicle. Peterson declined to meet at the scene of the accident claiming his chest is now too large, preventing him from wearing a seatbelt and does not want to drive or be transported without wearing one 'even though his pecs would probably act as airbags' should an accident happen. For fear of a similar accident occurring he cannot leave unless after dark. Now confined to his house, Mr. Peterson spends most of his time watching TV, mocking contestants of the World’s Strongest Man competition, and only leaving to pump out some reps on the bench press at the gym. Over the phone, Peterson explained he is in mediation with the drivers' attorney, offering to pay for some of the damages but can’t be singly responsible for someone with a pec fetish who can’t keep their eyes on the road. Asked if he has an attorney, Mr. Peterson snidely replied, “No, I let my chest do the talking.” By agreeing to be interviewed about the events, Mr. Peterson in turn requested that from now on it is essential he be referred to as “Buff McBuffman”.