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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Faith-based blogging with prankster Billy Sallies

Hi there, I'm Billy Sallies, a Christian and a part-time prankster. I share faith-related, lighthearted, and humorous stories. 

The other day I was in a local restaurant, just about to say grace, and I hear this guy sitting near me say he's an atheist, so I followed him home. I discover that he lives in a pretty nice house. (I know, atheists have houses??? I thought they all lived in shared sinner condos or something). I wanted to see where this guy lived, what his lawn looked like, what kind of shampoo he used, how he showers. (He starts with his feet! I know right, weeeiird). So turns out this guy’s a real creepy Weirdy McWeirdo, which I already suspected, with him being an atheist and all. 

So I'm in this guy's house, kinda just silently observing him from the shadows, just watching him, trying to figure out what makes an atheist an atheist, and I'm thinking about leaving, but I decided that before I go I'm gonna do something to this guy. I'll do one of my patented pranks on him, maybe paint his toenails or fart in his face when he’s sleeping; something really funny like that. But I decided to scare him straight…to Jesus. I would wait until he sneezed, and say "God blesses you," pretending to be God saying God bless you to this guy. I know, hilarious. I found a nice kitchen closet to hide in and wait until he fell asleep, which was a long time, like four and a half hours. He had plenty of food in there to snack on though. Thank the Lord he was storing some canned hams in this closet I was hiding in and that I have a stainless steel crucifix on my keychain; which I was able to use to open the can and jab his dog with so it would stop trying to get some ham scraps. Sorry, not all dogs go to heaven, especially ones with atheist owners. Again, how weird, the guy had this closet full of food(???). 

Somehow I fell asleep for like an hour or two, but what woke me up was this guy's sneeze. He was a yell-sneezer, totally uncalled for yell that accompanies his sneeze, which I despise, but it’s what woke me up to prank him, so I can’t complain. I right away say, “God blesses you,” in this real virtuous, deep voice. And let me tell you, it put the fear of God in him. He got real upset and started shouting, “who’s there” and that he “had a gun” and would call the cops. Which is hilarious; because you can’t call the cops on God, buddy. Just doesn’t work like that, you silly atheist.  

So I decided I should probably explain this to him and ask where his garbage was so I could toss away this canned ham tin. I may be a prankster, but I'm no pig. He must have thought I was God or something, because he was super scared, like he knew he would be going to hell for his lack of faith. Which is funny, because I had a hell of a time explaining to the police what happened the next day after I woke from surgery to get the bullet removed from my shoulder. The police, the judge, and even my lawyer must have been atheists too, because they didn’t believe much of my story either. 

If there’s one thing I learned from all of this, it’s that atheists have NO sense of humor. None at all. I can’t recall how many times I snuck into a Christian’s home and never been shot; getting pepper sprayed is different. There's no pill that can heal like prayer does. You know who has good wifi? Jewish people. Do they believe in God? Gotta go, OMG looks like this Jewish guy’s about to sneeze his yam-u-ku off.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Looking to Rent Your Kids

Friend of Greathouse of Humor, Nick Peterson, wrote this fine piece for a Craigslist ad:

Hello parents, I am looking a few young children to help me get Derek Jeter's autograph tomorrow. Jeter is training down in Tampa, and I need a few kids to stand in line with me and wait for the chance to get a baseball legend. Derek Jeter usually only signs autographs for kids, so this is a perfect opportunity for me to get his autograpg 3, 4 or even 5 times (depending on how many children I recruit).

I can NOT offer you a Derek Jeter signature in return, because I need his signature as many times as I can get. What I can offer you is a picture of your child next to him, and a story that will last a lifetime. If you commit before midnight tonight, I will also throw in an autographed baseball card of the Tampa Ray's team mascot "Raymond". . . an overall value of $3.50.

We will leave the next morning around 2:00 AM. We need to be in Tampa at around 5:00 AM so that we can be the first few people in line. Snacks and beverages will be provided by me. I will have all the Capri-Suns and Oreos that your children desire. If your child requires a car seat, please provide it.

Children must be between the ages of 3-12, male or female. They must be able to stand for long periods of time, have basic social skills, and be potty-trained. Please no medical diseases including Downs's syndrome, schizophrenia, Bell's palsy or any other types of deformity. This is actually a new stipulation because last year Alex Rodriguez did not sign for one of my recruited children. I thought that something like this would help my efforts but it completely backfired. I don't want to take that chance again.

Please feel free to ask me any questions before committing your child for the trip. I am a professional and will treat your kids like they were my own. (My own kids are actually unavailable for tomorrow. . .still waiting on that court hearing). I look forward to working with you and your child!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Review: LumiSource Element Touch- The Best Faucet-Looking Lamp On The Market

I recently moved into a bigger Manhattan apartment and decided to scrap the old lights and install all new fixtures. Searching around Amazon, I found this impressive light. After purchasing several, for a bargain price of seventy dollars, one found its way onto my circa 19th century desk. It provides ample illumination with the 3 watt LED. I would compare the illumination strength to that of two robust matches. If I turn on the lamp at night I am able to read what it says on an area the size of a Post-it note if positioned directly under the lamp.

Another benefit of the lamp is it looks just like a faucet. Many a guest has attempted to wash their hands under my lamps, sometimes their hands even lathered up with soap. After asking me how to turn on the faucet, I tell them it is actually a lamp and then promptly kick them out for attempting to wash their hands over a fine piece of furniture. In fact, one of those Real Housewives of New Jersey somehow got into my apartment when I was throwing a party and tried washing her hands with my lamp. She supposedly had ties to the Mob, so I chose not to say anything and just let her wallow in her own foolishness. One guest amusingly told her that you must speak to the faucet for it to turn on and she began shouting commands. “Wawt’uh! Turn on!” It was quite entertaining.

The Element Touch has a gleaming chrome finish, rivaling that of even the most polished faucets. I find myself having to keep tissues at my desk, as I am unfortunately able to peer right into my nasal cavity. However, if I am running late for a meeting it is good to have that mirror chrome finish to check for anything in my teeth, such as remnants of organic Peruvian spinach leaves from my salad at lunch.

To review- The lamp is a great deal at seventy dollars (I have several); the light is bright enough to allow someone to read a watch if you held your wrist directly beneath the lamp; it could easily be mistaken for a faucet (so you can laugh at the dullards); and is so shiny that in case of emergency you could signal for rescue/start a fire if necessary, or just use it to pop a zit at your desk.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Remember Me: Alternate Endings From the Cutting Room Floor

"Remember Me", otherwise known as the 9/11 exploitation movie due to the fact that the conclusion of the movie, spectacularly and most tastefully, portrays star Robert Pattinson as perishing in one of the Trade Center towers…on 9/11…in a completely bespoke, explicable ending. Below is an alternate ending(s) from the cutting room floor:
Using the restroom in an office on one of the top floors of the Trade Center buildings, waiting for his father, Pattinson is shown reading a newspaper. The camera zooms in on the date [September 11th, 2001] and cuts to black; hold blank black screen for 20 seconds with obvious airplane noise heard throughout. Slowly fading to next frame; Pattinson is shown waking up in a cold sweat at his home. He walks downstairs, toasts and English muffin and sips some orange juice. At this point the screen turns black and the credits just begin to roll across the screen. But it’s not over!

Pattinson wakes up again; he’s back in the building. He just woke up from a nap while lying on a nice leather couch in his father’s office. He picks up a teen magazine sitting on a glass coffee table, it’s emblazoned with vampires on the cover [date displayed is the eleventyth of septumber], but soon after, Pattinson dozes off, AGAIN. He wakes up to people barking orders and unsettling turbulence. He is sitting in the window seat of an airplane; as he glances out the window he notices the Statue of Liberty. The flight is obviously off-track.

Werewolves have hijacked the plane! Pattinson quickly transforms into a vampire to halt the hijacking. He first stops in the lavatory to check his appearance but cannot see himself in the mirror. This turns out to be his downfall because as soon as he transforms back to human to be able to see his reflection a werewolf attacks his pale and frail human body; eating him whole with one giant bite. HOWEVER, Pattinson transforms back into a vampire, bursting out of the werewolf, killing it in the process. He says, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew your food?"

The movie abruptly cuts to show Pattinson waking up on a cot in a cave (at this point the audience thinks they are watching Inception, that is, if it had come out before this terrible movie). Through Pattinson’s eyes we see a tall, cloaked, bearded man looking down on him; he mumbles some unintelligible language that isn’t English. Subtitles read: “Here, have some water.” Pattinson sits up, has a sip of water that the man offered him. We see the oddly familiar face of the bizarre bearded man one more time and suddenly the screen cuts to black and the credits roll. The movie is over…or is it?

Inquisitive individuals who read the credits see that the “Bearded Man in Cave/Osama bin Laden” was played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Those who sit through to the end of the credits find that the movie has not ended; through a series of flashbacks, Pattinson discovers he was DEAD the entire time. [Fade to black, roll credits] Those who are still in the theater then see the real credits and list Pattinson’s character as actually being played by Bruce Willis the entire time and actor Leonardo DiCaprio playing Osama Bin Laden was really M. Night Shyamalan!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

How to Nail a Job Interview

  • Attire: Do not wear a suit. You heard right. Don’t wear a suit. Everyone wears a suit, even Hillary Clinton, and you want to stick out. Upon entering the interview room, slyly state, “the suit’s at the dry cleaners, been on a ton of interviews lately.” You should subsequently query, “Could we hurry this up? I have real important interview pretty soon and need to pick up my suit.” Dress casual, like you were on your way to the Laundromat but stopped by for an interview because it happened to be on your way.
  • Résumé: Words of wisdom: A little fibbing goes a long way. Lets say you were recently an Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, but were fired because you “sampled too much food.” A slight distortion of words could make the difference in helping you land the position. What this means is, you take a title like assistant and convert it to Vice President. The end result of the conversion is Assistant Manager = V.P. of Operations. In theory, you were the V.P. of Operations at that store. Don’t sell yourself short; a little undamaging untruth never hurt anyone.
o  Education:  The main lesson to be learned here is creative rearrangement. So you paid for an online degree from University of Phoenix, simply creatively rearrange those letters to UPenn, a prestigious Ivy League university. Important: omit the unnecessary leftover letters.
o  Helpful Hint: If ever asked about your previous position or education, change the topic immediately, pretending you didn’t understand or make something up. Example: “I was so drunk, I do not remember much,” or, “OMG! Is that spider on your head?!” Another option is to say you cannot speak of your previous employment due to the top-secret nature of the work.
  • Interview Questions: There’s a vast array of hard-hitting interview questions, but one is the most common, and when answered correctly, can help you avoid any other questions: “What is your greatest weakness?” By answering, “My greatest weakness is answering job interview questions,” you immediately alert the interviewer to why you are so terrible at answering interview questions; eliminating the entire question and answer process of the job interview. This enables your fibbed-up resume to stand out.
  • Introduction: Shaking hands is customary to most any interaction where people are meeting each other for the first time; it’s also a glaring signal that you are exceedingly desperate for the position. If anything, extend your palm for a low five, saying; “down-low,” and quickly pull your hand away only to say, “too slow.” Conversely, one could also ignore the outward hand or present a limp, lifeless appendage for the person to uncomfortably shake, as a way of saying, “after I’m hired, you’ll be lucky I don’t fire you.”
  • Eye Contact: Eye contact displays attentiveness and interest. Avoid eye contact at all costs. This is probably the most common mistake. Do not ever appear needy or like you actually want the job.
  • Body Language/Behavior: Sit back and relax, put your feet up if you have to; you don’t ever want to appear nervous during the interview. Make it known that you are a busy person and have better things to do with your time. Work out a crossword puzzle, you could even interrupt the interviewer to ask for some help. “Oh, this sounds like you, maybe you can help with nine across. What is a three letter word for a donkey…that starts with A?” You will get bored, it’s going to happen, job interviews are some of the dullest moments of a persons’ existence. To combat the boredom you should read a newspaper or play Angry Birds on your phone or even leave the room. “Don’t stop, I’ll be right back.”
  • Lunch Interview: Eat lunch during your interview, particularly if it is not a lunch interview. Remember, you are very busy and need to get to your next interview refreshed and ready, so you are eating lunch during this mind-numbing interview. Don’t ask, just bring in your lunch and begin eating. It is in good judgment to offer the interviewer a bite if they look hungry.
  • Inner-interview: Carry out an over-the-phone interview during your interview. Have a friend call you at a specified time, or even text them when you are ready, because you should be on your phone anyways, and begin to answer some scripted questions, making it sound like you are doing very well. After finishing the phone interview you can assuredly say, “Wow, Google is really desperate for me to work for them. Did you get all of that or should I repeat anything?”

The overall goal of these techniques is to exhibit great disinterest, in turn making the prospective employer sell to you. Turn the tables. Remember, leave the suit at home, ignore the handshake, rearrange the resume, spin the interview questions, avoid eye contact, bored is good, eat lunch without asking, get interviewed during the interview and generally do not give a damn. You will not have to wait to see if you received the job, these techniques guarantee the position immediately after the interview. It is recommended you tell the employer you will think about it and request double whatever salary they offer, refusing to accept any less. Most often the employer will offer triple, thereafter. These tactics work 100% of the time, dare to use other methods at your own risk.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Hanus Adhesives Has Breakthrough With Book Glue That Smells-Like-Butt Technology

Much more potent formulation of book glue that smells like butt developed.

NEW YORK (AP) ­– Through advancements in proprietary chemical processing technologies, Hanus Adhesives has developed an extraordinarily potent formulation of butt-stink glue commonly used in the publishing industry to bind books. Not only is the formulation much more potent, even to the most seasoned of bookworms, but the stench activates much sooner. Traditionally, book glue took years of permeation, preferably sitting on a dark musty shelf, to properly develop that trademark stench, akin to a rear end. However, with Hanus’ new formulation the foul smell is almost instantly perceptible in the newest of books.

Chief adhesives engineer at Hanus Adhesives, Bill Richardson, had this to say about the new technology:

Our revolutionary glue formulation absolutely blows the other book binding glues out of the water. Hanus’ proprietary processes will have books smelling like butt nearly right off the bookstore shelf. The unpleasant smell coming from books utilizing our glue will be so strong that anyone within a ten-foot radius will instantly think you have been swimming in a septic tank or just have horrendously poor hygiene.

Hanus’ innovative book glue allows one to eliminate the years and years of waiting that it took for a book to acquire its reeking odor. Avid reader and New York Public Library desk reference librarian, Samantha Chalkes, was thrilled with the new glue: “I am very happy with Hanus Adhesives and their wonderful new bookbinding glue. It’s nice to be able to read while using the restroom and have the book stink more than your load.” 

An additional benefit to Hanus’ new glue is that the strength of the odor intensifies exponentially over time. The odor is available almost instantly, but the longer the book sits on the shelf the greater the power of the stench becomes; increasing in potency approximately ten-fold annually.

Janet Philgrove, head of PR at Random House Publishing, was admittedly ecstatic with the news that Hanus had finally developed their glue that smells-like-butt technology. “I heard rumors that Hanus Adhesives was trying to develop this more potent, awful-smelling book glue and to see it finally be released, I am almost speechless, but also breathless due to the stink. It really alters the landscape of the publishing industry. I do not see Random House using any glue manufacturer than Hanus.”

At the time of publishing, Hanus had secured exclusive agreements with almost every major publishing company in the U.S. and is said to be in development of a Super-Stench Stage II formulation of their current stinky glue blend.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Local Teacher Overloaded With Laudatory Language

Mrs. Hickens Exhausts Enriching Expressions For Good Grades

Reprinted with permission from the New Brunswick Chronicle ©.
NEW JERSEY­— Verner Elementary School fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Sheila Hickens, claims to have run out of optimistic words to write on her students’ papers when they perform well on a quiz, test, paper or various assignment. With a career spanning 37 years, Mrs. Hickens fears she only has a limited lexis of laudatory language left. She always tried her best to write an assortment of encouraging and congratulatory language on her pupils’ papers to commend a good grade, but feels the years have turned her terrific terms trite. “At this point in my career, I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to exaggeratedly scribble ‘WOW’ or ‘Great Job’ in bright red ink on some pointless paper,” Sheila states emphatically. 

Having taught every elementary school grade level at multiple school districts across the great state of New Jersey, Mrs. Hickens was accustomed to writing a wide-range of uplifting words and even the occasional doodle. “Kindergarteners were the easiest to write praise for; most of the time I just drew smiley faces, check or plus marks, and stars.” Hickens learned early on that the utilization of gleaming star stickers garnered the greatest reactions from the children. “In 1977 I was teaching first grade in Hoboken, and really started getting into drawing stars on papers when one day I happened upon some shiny star stickers, in I believe…some craft mail order catalog, so I used the star stickers in class one day and the kids absolutely loved it,” recalls Mrs. Hickens.

The star stickers changed Sheila’s entire ethos of extolment. Running through nearly every possible variant of color, design and size for star stickers, Mrs. Hickens moved on to use every possible smiley face adaptation over the years. Mrs. Hickens says, “I could have stuck with the same set of stickers and praiseworthy words, but that is the quickest way to lose your sanity in this job, it’s something simple like using the identical smiley face sticker every day for ten years, then suddenly you snap.”

“To tell you the truth, most of the time I wrote on kids’ papers it was empty commendations, you can’t mean it every time you say ‘Excellent’ on the same spelling test you’ve given for 20 years,” Sheila bluntly declares. It’s evident that all the acclaim takes its toll on teachers. Even for someone like Sheila who takes great pride in her praisings. “I don’t think once, any student ever came up to me to say I did a ‘Fabulous’ or ‘Marvelous’ job teaching the class how to read…I taught these kids how to read and the admiration I receive is the seldom apple placed on my desk from some kid who picks his nose all day in class!” exclaims Mrs. Hickens,

Last year, Mrs. Hickens heard some dreadful news about a former star student. “I taught Timothy Willis in third grade and he was an excellent student, star-studded papers, and I happened to hear from his mother that he withdrew from a class in college; this just broke my heart,” Sheila continues, “it's hard to believe that all of my stars, smileys, and 'Super's' were all for naught.” Mrs. Hickens began to question her applauding-word-filled career, now feeling that she has run her capability to commend dry. Mrs. Hickens adds, “With Timothy, I even wrote out his name and sometimes a small note on his tests, like: ‘Super Good Job Timothy, Keep up the good work!’ And to know he is not applying himself in college after all of my encouragement just pangs me.”

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to write the same thing or the variation or combination of all the same words over and over again,” says Sheila. After having written countless commendations and placed a myriad of shiny stickers on papers for decades, Mrs. Hickens feels that “enough is enough” and after years of wanting to escape, cannot wait to leave teaching and retire to a life where “Great Job” is not, as she puts it, “tossed around like crayons in a Kindergarten class.”

Royce Gracie: Dis Iz My Howwz

Click comic to enlarge

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Review: Grand King Mattress- Plenty of Room for Me and All Five of My Wives

No more complaints from my wives. Before I had the Grand King there was a complicated rotation schedule that they hated. Some slept in bed with me, and the others had to be on the floor in sleeping bags. Now, I have so much room with this new mattress that I am looking in to getting another wife. The last time I had this much room in bed I only had two wives! I have some prospects lined up at the moment; they are going through trial phases. I am keeping it a secret so I can surprise the wives with the potential new wife.

I'm not going to lie, I'm thinking of buying another one of these Grand Kings so I can REALLY boost the wife count. Sleeping arrangements can be a real hindrance; the wives always complaining they "don't like sleeping on the floor." The kids certainly don't mind it.

I have 23 children. Most of them just sleep on the couch, under the kitchen table or in the tree fort. You can only sleep so many people on two double size beds. The house is carpeted so the floor is like a giant bed anyways, if you ask me. What we really need here at the house is a Grand King toilet. Someone's always holding up the bathroom. My solution was to dig a trench in the yard for emergency internal relief, which is quite often when you only have one bathroom and a large number of people. The trough was quickly overrun; I should have drained off the refuse into the neighbors' yard seeing as how they nitpicked so much about it. I was surprised with how quickly it filled up, considering the trough was in the front yard, nobody in the house seemed to have any hold ups with using it...unless they were constipated. Now that I think about it, the neighbors were probably right to complain, it actually did stink pretty terribly, not to mention having to watch us defecate in a trough. This one neighbor kid, I think his name is Adam, would always lose his basketball in our yard because we live at the bottom of a hill. Needless to say, it would drop into our honey hole almost every time. To my surprise, he never wanted the balls back.

But back to the Grand King; it's super comfortable. Because of the memory foam, my other wives say they barely notice when I am getting my "private time" with one of them, since all the wives fit on the bed now. So it's definitely a nice solid mattress. A good frame helps too. Please, do not skimp on the frame with such a majestic mattress.

I have a foot fetish, so a lot of the time I will sleep at my wives' feet. The Grand King affords me this option. You simply cannot do this with any other mattress.

With the new mattress came a new sleeping system. The wives came up with this after multiple sleeping arrangement disputes: an alarm wakes me up every couple of hours and I move my position, sleeping next to someone else. Let me tell you, we tried a similar system previously and I nixed it after not being able to fall asleep from having to wake up and move around, especially having to go sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I actually pretended to sleep with a wife on the floor most nights, just telling them in the morning, "Oh, you were warm last night," or something. They never knew the difference. With the Grand King, I fall asleep right away. It's that supple and soothing. Not only does this mattress allow me to fall sleep with such a complicated sleeping schedule, but it fits all of my wives in ONE BED. No more pretending to sleep on the floor. Just perpetuating that lie was tiresome in itself.

Instead of getting up and moving around I just have to roll around a bit. A few of my wives are pregnant; it's especially difficult to roll over them. On the rare occasion when rolling doesn't work, I get up and walk around. FYI- A baby bump can really trip you up when wandering a ginormous bed at night, so be careful.

I'm not going to lie; the bed is so large that at night, sometimes I get lost on the thing. Just last night I had to get up to use the restroom and spent like ten minutes searching for the edge of the bed in the dark. This has happened to me on multiple occasions and my wives, too. Actually, my pregnant wives are the ones who first told me about not being able to navigate their way off the bed in the dark, because they have to get up to pee so often, and I didn't believe them until it happened to me. I am seriously considering wearing adult diapers to bed now. Go ahead and invest in some adult diapers for the first month or so you sleep in the bed. It's hard to appreciate its enormity until you experience it first hand. I would be rolling and rolling, crawling, and even walking, but still couldn't manage find the edge to get off the bed.

Since we had so much trouble getting off the bed at night we devised a plan so one would be able to find their way off without difficulty. You may want to try this as well. It's the same course-plotting principle used in cave diving; we have a string or rope that we lay on the bed that is used as a guide to the perimeter. It's been working so far, at least if you are near the edge to begin with. Sometimes you are just too tired to keep going if you're deeper in. Thankfully, you are on a bed so you can just lie down and fall asleep if you get exhausted.

To conclude, if you have multiple wives, like me, you will love this bed. There is lots of space, absolutely excessive amounts of room, and it's very lush and comfortable. This bed gives me the option of expanding my wife count, something other beds just do not offer. No more musical beds for me, just one giant one.

Link to the review on Amazon

(Comment on Amazon)
David Beaty says:

Very humorous. I hope you are kidding! You never know these days! But then, I'm gullible when it comes to jokes. In any case thanks for the laugh.     

(The Reply)
Hugh Jass says:

I hope you're kidding, David! Is there something wrong with being happily married to multiple women with whom I've had countless children? No! There certainly is not. Why I asked that question and subsequently answered it I don't know. The point is, there should be nothing funny about my review. I was simply recounting every aspect of the mattress and how it fit into my life to provide people like you an unbiased opinion of the product. Yet, you, and many others (only 4 of 23 people found the review helpful), didn't appreciate my effort. To say I'm displeased would be an understatement of Grand King mattress proportions. Nonetheless, I will supply an update for those who do value my evaluations.

Update: I'm very pleased with the Grand King. How pleased? (I'm about to answer my own question again). I've since purchased two more of these mattresses, and still have wives who must sleep on the floor. Yes, it's that good. Albeit, I've decided to have a Grand King for my solitary use, in my own personal bedroom. The thing is, I need, at the very least, ten or more hours of sleep. And when half of my wives get up at 4:30 a.m. for work and the other half work a night shift at the old Lee Perkins Lead Casting & Chemical Testing factory (my wives [and the kids, too] pretty much run that entire plant), it's impossible to achieve that sleep quota. Otherwise I'm drowsy and barely feel aware enough properly watch Steve Wilkos at noon, and I never, ever miss Steve; the man could make himself cry he is so callous. What I mean by that is, if he shouted at himself in the mirror, he would have a hard time controlling his emotions, and probably his bladder as well. I know I've pissed myself several times seeing him throw chairs and shout in people's faces. But yes, the mattress is excellent. Could not ask for more...or maybe I'm the last person on Earth who should be saying that, considering I have so many wives they can't fit on TWO Grand Kings. However, that's besides the point. I love the Grand King. I would marry it if I could, which I checked, and I cannot marry it. I'd probably marry it even if I didn't love it that much, kind of like what I did with my wife Betty. Don't worry, she'll never read this. The wives don't even have access to newspapers, much less the world wide web.

I hope this update shed some insight into what it's like to own a product as splendid as the Grand King.          

(Another comment on the review)

Anonymous says:

Wow, how long did it take you to write this stupid review? Pretty pathetic - maybe you could have done something useful with your time...

Hugh Jass says:

I did, and your wife is happy now

(Comment on review)

It's amusing to think a man would ever have multiple wives, consider they can hardly even get one off before passing out snoring and farting.

I like humor. Funny humor. Not frat-boy haha-misogyny-is-so-funny humor. look up misogyny on, that whirring sound is my humor going way over your giant skull.


I-like-humor-too-Morgaine. Not any kind of humor, but funny humor, just like you. Thank you for the criticism. And I agree, sometimes humor is misogynistic (more like miss-o(b)gyn-istic, get it?!) in an unfunny way. Taking your advice, I looked up misogyny (well, I had a wife do it for me), but on Wikipedia. (You should have told me to go to you probably think I'm a dick). After figuring out what it meant, I decided to edit the page. Seems like misogyny is a word that has a lot of negative connotations, especially for someone like me, who has so many wives he had numbers tattooed on their arms so he can keep track of them. So I'm just doing my part to take the bad parts out of that Wikipedia page, and maybe more people who look up misogyny won't think misogynists are so terrible. In any event, I think you may not be appreciating the roof your husband put over your head. Now that was misogynistic. I apologize. Morgaine, you're right, maybe I am a little misogynistic, buying big comfy beds so my wives don't have to sleep on the floor. (Update: the grand king is an awesome mattress, still very pleased with the purchase). However, there's no denying that I love women, I love many women in many different ways, and that's not a joke about my sex life.          

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

First-Class with Mr. Grandiose

I am Mr. Grandiose. Wealthy, affluent, well-heeled, rolling in it, loaded and so on and so forth; these are just some of the words I use to illustrate my economic abundance. I possess innumerable luxury automobiles, a countless number of estates that dot the globe and other worldly chattels as a result of my fortunes. I have a chief servant, James, whom is ceaselessly by my side, heeding to my every command and demand. Every person I have ever met and ever will meet is extraordinarily impressed just by my presence, not to mention my astonishing assets, so I am writing this article to bequeath some insights on what it’s like to live the superior life.

Yesterday, I was cruising the local waterways on my mega-yacht, the Noble Phallus, allowing the area natives to view my inspiring vessel in admiration, when I slipped on the daybreak-dew-drenched deck while promenading to the bow for my morning shouting of, “I’m the KING OF THE WORLD.” Thankfully, I survived with only minor injury, a bruised buttocks, which I had James briskly massage for several hours in the nude. (He was nude; I had a towel on.) I have subsequently fired a majority of the crew for allowing such a blunder. Those certain crewmembers were promptly tossed overboard several miles out at sea; wherein a majority was recovered by my fleet of helicopters, only to be airlifted to my tropical island game reserve where I will hunt them as a leisurely pursuit. Tennis gets boring. ‘Tis nothing any of my employees were not aware of; as game reserve hunting is an express termination condition listed in each contract for anyone who works in one of my enterprises.

Nevertheless, I soon recognized that I needed to make a better non-slip yacht shoe; one that produces so much friction that I could walk up the side of one of my buildings with it. So naturally, I decided to forcefully acquire Sperry Top Sider, makers of the original, nautically inspired, non-slip boat shoes. 

“Forget nautically inspired, it’s Grandiose inspired from now on!” I graciously introduced myself to the remaining staff at Sperry. There was a compromise of sorts; Sperry agreed to design their shoe line after the Noble Phallus, my mega-yacht (as if you didn’t know that already). The shoe upper is comprised of ultra-rare dwarf-albino-salamander scrotum. Each pair of shoes derives 75 of these creatures’ scrotums.

Why did the design team choose such an organism? It was clearly inspired from my yacht upholstery, which is entirely albino-Sperm whale scrotum lined (no correlation to Melville’s Moby Dick). The sole of the magnificent shoe consists entirely of cured and specially treated, Indian elephant ass; because it is widely regarded as the supreme moisture wicking hide in the animal kingdom. I chose the ass due to the fact that it denotes power, provocative musculature, and dominance. With our special treatment, which is fundamentally a durable paste (sea turtle egg whites, panda corneas and other exceptional ingredients) applied to the elephant-ass-sole, I can literally walk out onto the wing of my private jet, mid-flight, without a care in the world. In fact, you should see me in a Sperry commercial soon walking on the wing of my private jet cruising at 500 mph, with James sitting in the nude on my shoulders, advertising the Grandiose edition of Sperry Top Siders. Suck it Branson! If you need to know the price, you can’t afford it.

I’ve since sold Sperry to a group of eager investors at substantial gain. The boat shoe market will never be the same with the innovations I brought to the industry with my Grandiose edition shoes. In addition, I have developed farming methods to mass-produce, therein saving, the dwarf-albino salamander from extinction. As for the Indian elephant ass-soles, lets just say there are quite a few assless elephants roaming the jungles. It’s possible to harvest the ass flesh of the Indian elephant because it naturally reproduces: a sustainable process. In the animal hide business, it’s customary to refer to the rear of the animal as the ass. Don’t think for one moment my usage of ass is crass.

In summary, I am back to my routine of shouting at daybreak on the bow of Noble Phallus. No slips since, (well, not counting James’ nip-slips, LOL) which is not surprising considering I designed and created the shoe. If not for gravity, I assure you I would be able to walk up a wall. I’m certain of that. James, my chief servant, is calling me to the heated indoor Olympic-sized and VOSS artesian water from Norway filled pool on my yacht. I require James to test the water with his reproductive organs to gauge if the temperature is to my standards. I must go and assist with the testing. Until next time, who knows where I will be, however I can guarantee that wherever I am and whatever I am doing, it will be extraordinarily excellent.

Variation of this article as a Sperry shoe review

Friday, February 18, 2011

Types of Bumper Stickers and Their Respective Owners

You want the world to know something about you, something often ostentatious, so you promote that something…with a sticker…on your bumper.
  • Political bumper stickers:
    • Radical choice – You’re probably a partisan pothead: “Legalize It”; worship Glenn Beck: “Obama Is Hitler”; or otherwise have odd, but strong convictions: “People Against Zombies” or "Palin for Imperial Leader." 
    • Local politician – Nobody knows who that person is or cares, except you; you’re probably related to them and were pressured into putting the sticker on your vehicle.
    • My party won (and is better) - You still have a Bush/Cheney sticker on your SUV and/or the mast of your sailboat.
    • My party lost (but should have won) – You’re still proudly parading Gore/Lieberman 2000 around town and regularly wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “Recount!”
  • My kid’s an honor student - “Wow, I’m impressed. Good for them and their high achieving child” –Not one person, ever.
  • Prestigious University- Ivy League, good for you…gooooood for you. And I see that you are driving a BMW. You are certainly doing well. You must’ve majored in Conceited Studies.
  • Humorous- “Shit happens”- this is OK.
  • Radio station- You still listen to the radio? Why would you put a sticker on your car to let everyone know?
  • Bank- Did you really put a bank bumper sticker on your car? Even people who work at that bank don’t do that.
  • Religious- Translation: “I go to church every Sunday and even some other days of the week, too. I’m virtuously better than you or at least that’s what I want people to think about me. Do you think I go to church because I like it!?”
  • Sports team- Translation: “On weekends I’m very busy, often multi-tasking: watching TV, drinking beer, eating nachos and shouting at a luminous box.”
  • Cartoon pissing on Ford/Chevy- This sticker doesn't upset the Ford or Chevy owners as much as it does geriatrics with prostate issues who have trouble urinating.
  • I'm an advocate- You eat meat and shoot things or don’t like people who eat meat and shoot things.
  • American flag- Translation: “Everyone take notice of my patriotism; I bought this at the gas station. No it wasn’t made in China. It was made in the Philippines. There’s a difference!”
  • Confederate flag- Translation: “I’m tolerant.” You probably live in San Francisco and drive a Prius.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Review: Justin Bieber Limited Edition 3D Glasses

Justin Bieber Limited Edition 3-d GlassesLet me start off by saying that I'm a belieber! 100%! Justin truly is amazing and an inspiration to all. Even my granny loves him. At first she thought Biebs was a girl, but she did think she/he was talented. I told Granny his name is Justin, it's a boy, silly. I live in my granny's basement and that's how she came to know Justin and his songs. I took her to see Never Say Never ten times; out of the 27 1/2 times I went to see the movie; which was so motivating and powerful, loved it. The 1/2 is due to me having to go to the bathroom (a serious turd attack), there was no way I could hold it in. The rest of the times I went to see the movie I just wore adult diapers so I wouldn't have to get up anymore. Even though I had seen the movie 15 times at that point, I just liked it so much, there was no way I was going to miss any Bieberness on an enormous movie theater screen. No way. The glasses are awesome, I wore them to all 27 1/2 viewings, even when I saw the movie and it wasn't showing in 3D. I wear the glasses most everyday, even to work and they are the absolutely wonderful. People compliment me all the time on my snazzy purple glasses.

Justin took out the lenses in his glasses, but I kept them in because I think it looks cool. Plus, you see things in like another dimension, pretty much. Everything looks like it is coming right at you. I was buying a Snickers bar at a convenience store and when the cashier went to hand me the change I accidentally smacked it out of his hand because I thought he was going to hit me in the face. This happened a few more times before I realized it was the glasses that were making me think that things were going to hit me in the face. I was banned from a store because I got in an argument with a cashier after accusing him of trying to hit me with a fistful of change. 

Never Say Never

I don't care how much trouble these Bieber glasses get me in. I love them. They bring me that much closer to Justin. My boss does not like me wearing them at work; when I am making sandwiches at Subway. My boss will shout, "Justin, you need to take those stupid glasses off and stop singing! You are 42 years old!" I legally changed my name to Justin, if you were wondering. I just flick my hair in disagreeance at him (I got the Bieber cut), and he usually leaves me alone after that. He also doesn't like that I recite Justin Bieber lyrics all day. "Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooohh." Sometimes I will sing Baby like all day at work with my iPod earbuds in and just shouting the lyrics. A customer might say, "Turkey, blah, blah, blah, no Mayo." And I'm all like, "...Baby, OOOHH! Here's your Meatball Sub." They're all like, "What are you doing? I didn't order this!" I'm all like, "Whoa, don't point when I gotz 3D Bieber glasses on, bozo!" Then they say, "What the hell is wrong with you? I wanna talk to a manager!" Then I say, "This justin: you're not a belieber!" And I smash a bunch of lettuce in their face. Now I don't work at Subway anymore. Their loss, IMHO. No biggie, now I just have more time to be with Bieber. 

The glasses are rockin'. I'll even sleep with them on sometimes (don't tell my granny). I once paid a bunch of kids to chase me down the street shouting "Justin! Justin!" when I was dressed up as Bieber (which is pretty much all the time! lol). Soooooo much fun. I'm not going to lie, if I walk past a mirror and glance at myself real quick I have to look twice because I think it's actually Justin. LOLZ! The glasses are especially good when seeing Never Say Never. You feel like Justin is in there with you! Which by now, I have seen 31 times. You're an inspiration Justin!!! Just remember to not wear the glasses in public unless you are prepared to think you have things coming at your face all the time. Buy these glasses, go see Bieb on the big-screen, buy his music and if you really love him you will move to Canada where Justin was born. I am moving soon, well, as soon as I get another job and can afford to move. My eyes are hurting me for some reason, I think from typing so much with these glasses. Bai Guyz! Buy these glasses and go see the movie!

Link to Amazon review 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Craigslist Craziness: TV Want Ad

This is a real Craigslist want ad for a free television [Location, names and other sensitive info has been changed], below is the correspondence of the e-mail exchange and events that took place between the wanted ad inquirer and Greathouse of Humor (GoH):

Want a free tv 36 inch or bigger (Freeville)

Do you have a tv that works but don’t want it anymore that is 36 inch or bigger but don’t want it anymore my husband will pick it can’t afford to buy a new or use tv right now but can hardly see the face on my 20 inch and can’t afford new glasses right now. Thanks
Samsung LN52C530 52-Inch 1080p 60 Hz LCD HDTV, Black
GoH replies:
Hi, saw your want ad and think I can help. My 52” Samsung (see attached picture)is too small for my new entertainment center and I have no room for it elsewhere or I would keep it. Where in Freeville do you live? I’ll have my son drop it off.

Free TV Wanter:
Yes that would be great I would love to have the tv I am home all day drop it off at any time my address is [address deleted]. Thank you very much

Okay, Sheila, I will have my son drop the TV off tomorrow afternoon, around 3, at your residence. Is that a good time for you? Do you need him to help bringing it into your house?


Free TV Wanter:
Yah 3 is good if your son could help my husband bringing it in that would be helpful because I can’t probably lift it. thanks Sheila

[One day goes by]

Free TV Wanter:
Jason I don’t think your son came by I was home all day and didn’t hear anyone knock or anything what happened. Sheila

I am so sorry Sheila, my son dropped off the TV at the wrong house, must’ve written the wrong address down. Here’s where he said he dropped it off at: [address near her house]. You can try getting it back, just let them know what happened. We are very busy and I would get it myself but there is a family emergency. Let me know what happens.


Free TV Wanter:
I went to the place you said and it’s a 7-11 store I think your son is lieing or sold the tv or something you need to figure out what he did with the tv.

You were right Sheila, my son tried to sell the TV to a friend but I have it back now. This is a very stressful time for the family and me; I cannot believe he did this. I am so sorry. I have the TV and he promises to deliver it to you, properly, this time. Expect him to come by around 10, tomorrow morning, if that’s good for you.

Free TV Wanter:
Ok that is good .Sheila

[52” TV box is dropped off at residence filled with rocks to simulate weight of TV, knocked on door at 5AM and took off]

Free TV Wanter:
I got scared and woked up cause someone bangged on my door so early and my husband was working so I see it’s the tv I hurt my back bringing it up my steps cause I didn’t want to leave it outside someone could steel it and I open it and it’s full of rocks no tv! Your son is a little [expletive] wht the hell is going on and I want that tv already find where it is and I will come and get it please. Sheila

I’m so, so sorry for what happened. I cannot express to you how disappointed I am with my son, Sheila. His vehicle has been taken away from him and he is undoubtedly grounded for a week, except for Saturday because he has a Creed concert to go to, but he is in serious trouble. Unfortunately, I am very busy with work and the family emergency; otherwise I would personally deliver the TV, but I will have to have my son deliver it to you again. I want him to go over to your house, deliver the TV, set it up and apologize to you. I’m also going to give you a DVD player that my son purchased with his own money. I know you just want to be able to enjoy watching TV on a bigger screen. Please let me know how things go.

Free TV Wanter:
I geuss that is ok, just make sure there is no trouble or I am done with all this [expletive]. Sheila

[Later the next day]

Free TV Wanter:
What the [expletive] your piece of [expletives deleted] son came and screwed us over!! Your son came and apologized and put the tv up and everything together and left and then after the cops came to my house and said my car licenses plates was seen leaving a burglary with a tv and then your son showed up and identified me and my husband and said was his tv! I was in a cop car for an hour with neighbors waching and your son finally decided to not press charges and he took the TV and everything back and left and I go back inside and my tv is broked on the floor!!! that little piece of [expletives deleted]!!! [expletive] you and your [expletive] son you [expletives deleted]!!!!

OMG! I am so sorry about all of this, Sheila. I was wondering what happened when my son came back saying you didn’t want the TV. It’s in wonderful condition and the picture is crystal clear; looking into my house, from my backyard, I was able to read the ESPN ticker no problem. Then I get your email and see what has really happened. My son will be grounded for another business week, five days, he is still allowed to go the the Creed concert, but I told him he is restricted from waiving his glowing iPhone screen when everyone in the crowd does and cannot sing along to any of the good songs, which really, none of them are good, so there will be no singing. I think it’s best we part ways and forget this ever happened. Sorry again about this whole ordeal.

Free TV Wanter:
You are a real [expletive] you and your son I would sue you if I had money to. Go [expletive] yourself [expletive]!!!!!!!

[No further correspondence in this email thread]

[Surprisingly, the TV want ad is not taken down, so GoH sends another email from a different email address]

GoH alternative reply:
I would love to have your old 20” TV. My 10” black and white is getting old and it’s hard to see without sitting right in front of it or using binoculars from the couch. Since you are going to get another TV, a much bigger one, can I come and get your 20” TV? When is a good time to come pick it up or check it out?

Thank you,

Free TV Wanter:
NO the tv is broke if you don’t have a TV to give then do not email me please

What is with the attitude? Have you tried plugging the TV in? That could be the problem. What is your address? I can come pick it up.

Free TV Wanter:
The tv is smashed ok! It don’t matter if it plugged in you idiot you can’t have it or fix it please stop your bothering me

I saw your want ad and was going to do a good deed and surprise you with a new 40” flatscreen TV when I came to your house to “look” at your old TV. What is your address? I will come by and drop off the TV tomorrow.

Thank you,

Free TV Wanter:
Are you serius cause I don’t want to be screwed wit?

Yeeaah, I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the TV. Please just let me come over and take a quick look at the TV, I know I could fix it. I cannot stop thinking about your TV. I don’t care if it’s broken, I just know I'd be able to make it work. How about I just drop by, I’ll bring a 12-pack of beer and you let me see the TV from across the room. Sound good?

Thank you,

Free TV Wanter:
Ok Frederic, if you bring the beer you can come see the tv my address is [address censored] so just come by tomorrow at 6 and have the beer only then you can come in.

That sounds excellent, I will definitely be there tomorrow with the beer, lolz, I will bring it, I promise. Thank you very much.

[The next day at 5:55PM]

6-Pack of O'Doul's Non Alcoholic BeerGoH:
Hey, I changed my mind, not going to come see the TV. I drank the 12-pack and am not feeling good. I wondered what beer tasted like so I drank all of these O’Doul’s. Beer tastes terrible FYI, I don’t know why I drank all of them, I feel soooooo drunk right now. Plus, my mom had to take my little sister to soccer and couldn’t bring me to see the TV. How about tomorrow? I will come by with another 12-pack of O’Doul’s.

Free TV Wanter:
[Expletive] off kid!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: The Super Bowl of "Investing"

Editor’s note: This is a guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews. Jeffrey does some accounting and financial related work for GoH. After bugging us to let him write an article about investment advice, we finally gave in and let him write something up. He purportedly has spot-on, yet eccentric, advice on investing and finance. 

The Neatest Little Guide to Stock Market Investing, 2010 EditionHello readers of this excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor. The editors at Greathouse of Humor have kindly allowed me to write an investment advice article. I’ve been doing this investment thing for a long time and have been very, very successful. I now own, outright, a recreational vehicle that I currently live in, because I like to travel, now that I am semi-retired at the age of 48.

In this article I am going to reveal some of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies. I was told to keep things relevant, but that is not a problem for me, my procedures thrive on relevancy. Most every stock I buy is a consequence of current events.

The American male’s holiday of manliness is upon us, the Super Bowl. I find it’s an excellent opportunity to invest. The first thing I do is buy a bunch tabloids, watch TMZ and keep a close eye on famous peoples’ Tweets. Why? People of influence drive the economy. Are the Octomom’s kids dressed in Packers apparel? Is Owen Wilson wearing Steelers wrist-sweatbands? Did Wilmer Valderama tweet that he loves the Steelers? These are all things that lead to lots of sales and act as guide for where to invest.

Through extensive research I discovered that Nike is the apparel brand behind these teams. If I go online and see that TMZ’s video of the Octomom’s kids in Packers apparel (made by Nike) has been viewed by 5,000 people, then it’s utterly apparent that most Americans will be buying this for their kids. Same thing if Wilmer Valderama had a Steelers hat on that was shown on TMZ. This means that you should be buying Nike stock, because it is about to skyrocket. For every 1,000 views a prominent video from a celebrity like this gets, I purchase 500 shares (that’s a ratio of 27 ¼: π) of that company’s stock.

Next, the most important step of all, watching the Super Bowl commercials. Funniness of a commercial is directly correlated to sales. Rule of thumb: the amount of time you laugh equates to the number of shares that should be bought. If I am laughing for the entire duration of the commercial I will undoubtedly buy at least $3500 worth of shares for whatever product that commercial is advertising. That night and the next day when those commercials show up on YouTube is when I get a good chance to watch them.

Here is how I gauge how many shares to purchase after watching these commercials on YouTube: watch a video twice and still laugh equals 250 shares, watch five times and still laughing is 500 shares, pee my pants laughing (even just a little) after ten views equals 3,000 shares, neighbors call the police due to unremitting screaming (my laughter) I will generally buy a minimum of 10,000 shares and hold the stock for six months.

Doritos Tortilla Chips, Cool Ranch, 1.75-Ounce Bags (Pack of 60)An alternative investment option is direct procurement. I choose one commercial every year that I really like and buy up a bunch of that product to put into storage and sell down the line after it has accrued tremendous value and demand is high in the collector’s market. For example, I have a storage unit absolutely jam packed full of Doritos. Not only are Doritos delicious and their Super Bowl ads hilarious, but the bags of chips with Super Bowl related content on the packaging will be worth an absolute fortune to sports memorabilia and food collectors alike. Wise investors buy Doritos, just make sure to get a climate controlled storage unit as not to spoil the chips.

On a side note, you can buy other products as well. One year I bought a car, I think it's a Hyundai, based on a stunning commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. It’s now in a storage unit, I’m just waiting for the right time to put it on market as “the car that was advertised in a Super Bowl commercial.”

My tips are guaranteed money-making investments. I hope I helped people with my investment and financial advice. Please post any questions in the comments.