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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

10 Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some pot or cocaine?"

1. I'm on vacation in another country and have no idea who you are. Maybe you're a drug enforcement officer or maybe you just want to rob me when I take my money out. Sooo, what can I get for $500?
2. Isn't marijuana a gateway drug? No thank you! I'll take some cocaine please.
3. Do you realize you're like the 20th person to ask me that today? Ya know you look a lot like me, stop copying what I'm doing goddammit! How did I get in this gas station restroom? Where'd you go?!
4. Only if it's organically grown and processed without child labor. Oh would you look at that, the label has the story of how this bag got over the border. Transported by father of 12, Julio, and a here's a picture of him. This is great, and wow, it is organically grown. I'll take four bags, no, make it 12, to support each of his children. 
5. Do you know if it's all right to take cocaine on an empty stomach? I've had diarrhea for a few days.
6. How about if I can guess your age you let me get a small bag of marijuana for free? OK. Hmmmm, fifty...four, no three, fifty-three. And that's in meth years, so you're really only 33. Yes! Hand it over.
7. Let me help you out here, you'd make a lot more sales if you introduced yourself properly and touted the benefits of using of either of these substances. For instance, cocaine is good for suppressing memories cleaning out the sinuses. It may not really do that, but it does degrade the brain and destroy your nasal cavity. You see, it's all about making it sound good. I'll take some pot, for free, that advice is worth a lot. Trust me, I'm in pharmaceutical sales.
8. The last time someone offered me drugs, I, well....let me just get some pot, man.
9. No thanks, I'm mormon and actually (whisper) just had some coffee. 
10. I'm not sure. I've never done drugs before. Is it fun? What do you recommend? I've heard they're bad for you. Is that true? Am I asking too many questions? Sorry, I just bought this energy vitamin from someone just like you. Maybe you have it too, I'll buy more of that, it's called meth.

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