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Monday, March 21, 2011

Remember Me: Alternate Endings From the Cutting Room Floor

"Remember Me", otherwise known as the 9/11 exploitation movie due to the fact that the conclusion of the movie, spectacularly and most tastefully, portrays star Robert Pattinson as perishing in one of the Trade Center towers…on 9/11…in a completely bespoke, explicable ending. Below is an alternate ending(s) from the cutting room floor:
Using the restroom in an office on one of the top floors of the Trade Center buildings, waiting for his father, Pattinson is shown reading a newspaper. The camera zooms in on the date [September 11th, 2001] and cuts to black; hold blank black screen for 20 seconds with obvious airplane noise heard throughout. Slowly fading to next frame; Pattinson is shown waking up in a cold sweat at his home. He walks downstairs, toasts and English muffin and sips some orange juice. At this point the screen turns black and the credits just begin to roll across the screen. But it’s not over!

Pattinson wakes up again; he’s back in the building. He just woke up from a nap while lying on a nice leather couch in his father’s office. He picks up a teen magazine sitting on a glass coffee table, it’s emblazoned with vampires on the cover [date displayed is the eleventyth of septumber], but soon after, Pattinson dozes off, AGAIN. He wakes up to people barking orders and unsettling turbulence. He is sitting in the window seat of an airplane; as he glances out the window he notices the Statue of Liberty. The flight is obviously off-track.

Werewolves have hijacked the plane! Pattinson quickly transforms into a vampire to halt the hijacking. He first stops in the lavatory to check his appearance but cannot see himself in the mirror. This turns out to be his downfall because as soon as he transforms back to human to be able to see his reflection a werewolf attacks his pale and frail human body; eating him whole with one giant bite. HOWEVER, Pattinson transforms back into a vampire, bursting out of the werewolf, killing it in the process. He says, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew your food?"

The movie abruptly cuts to show Pattinson waking up on a cot in a cave (at this point the audience thinks they are watching Inception, that is, if it had come out before this terrible movie). Through Pattinson’s eyes we see a tall, cloaked, bearded man looking down on him; he mumbles some unintelligible language that isn’t English. Subtitles read: “Here, have some water.” Pattinson sits up, has a sip of water that the man offered him. We see the oddly familiar face of the bizarre bearded man one more time and suddenly the screen cuts to black and the credits roll. The movie is over…or is it?

Inquisitive individuals who read the credits see that the “Bearded Man in Cave/Osama bin Laden” was played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Those who sit through to the end of the credits find that the movie has not ended; through a series of flashbacks, Pattinson discovers he was DEAD the entire time. [Fade to black, roll credits] Those who are still in the theater then see the real credits and list Pattinson’s character as actually being played by Bruce Willis the entire time and actor Leonardo DiCaprio playing Osama Bin Laden was really M. Night Shyamalan!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

How to Nail a Job Interview

  • Attire: Do not wear a suit. You heard right. Don’t wear a suit. Everyone wears a suit, even Hillary Clinton, and you want to stick out. Upon entering the interview room, slyly state, “the suit’s at the dry cleaners, been on a ton of interviews lately.” You should subsequently query, “Could we hurry this up? I have real important interview pretty soon and need to pick up my suit.” Dress casual, like you were on your way to the Laundromat but stopped by for an interview because it happened to be on your way.
  • Résumé: Words of wisdom: A little fibbing goes a long way. Lets say you were recently an Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, but were fired because you “sampled too much food.” A slight distortion of words could make the difference in helping you land the position. What this means is, you take a title like assistant and convert it to Vice President. The end result of the conversion is Assistant Manager = V.P. of Operations. In theory, you were the V.P. of Operations at that store. Don’t sell yourself short; a little undamaging untruth never hurt anyone.
o  Education:  The main lesson to be learned here is creative rearrangement. So you paid for an online degree from University of Phoenix, simply creatively rearrange those letters to UPenn, a prestigious Ivy League university. Important: omit the unnecessary leftover letters.
o  Helpful Hint: If ever asked about your previous position or education, change the topic immediately, pretending you didn’t understand or make something up. Example: “I was so drunk, I do not remember much,” or, “OMG! Is that spider on your head?!” Another option is to say you cannot speak of your previous employment due to the top-secret nature of the work.
  • Interview Questions: There’s a vast array of hard-hitting interview questions, but one is the most common, and when answered correctly, can help you avoid any other questions: “What is your greatest weakness?” By answering, “My greatest weakness is answering job interview questions,” you immediately alert the interviewer to why you are so terrible at answering interview questions; eliminating the entire question and answer process of the job interview. This enables your fibbed-up resume to stand out.
  • Introduction: Shaking hands is customary to most any interaction where people are meeting each other for the first time; it’s also a glaring signal that you are exceedingly desperate for the position. If anything, extend your palm for a low five, saying; “down-low,” and quickly pull your hand away only to say, “too slow.” Conversely, one could also ignore the outward hand or present a limp, lifeless appendage for the person to uncomfortably shake, as a way of saying, “after I’m hired, you’ll be lucky I don’t fire you.”
  • Eye Contact: Eye contact displays attentiveness and interest. Avoid eye contact at all costs. This is probably the most common mistake. Do not ever appear needy or like you actually want the job.
  • Body Language/Behavior: Sit back and relax, put your feet up if you have to; you don’t ever want to appear nervous during the interview. Make it known that you are a busy person and have better things to do with your time. Work out a crossword puzzle, you could even interrupt the interviewer to ask for some help. “Oh, this sounds like you, maybe you can help with nine across. What is a three letter word for a donkey…that starts with A?” You will get bored, it’s going to happen, job interviews are some of the dullest moments of a persons’ existence. To combat the boredom you should read a newspaper or play Angry Birds on your phone or even leave the room. “Don’t stop, I’ll be right back.”
  • Lunch Interview: Eat lunch during your interview, particularly if it is not a lunch interview. Remember, you are very busy and need to get to your next interview refreshed and ready, so you are eating lunch during this mind-numbing interview. Don’t ask, just bring in your lunch and begin eating. It is in good judgment to offer the interviewer a bite if they look hungry.
  • Inner-interview: Carry out an over-the-phone interview during your interview. Have a friend call you at a specified time, or even text them when you are ready, because you should be on your phone anyways, and begin to answer some scripted questions, making it sound like you are doing very well. After finishing the phone interview you can assuredly say, “Wow, Google is really desperate for me to work for them. Did you get all of that or should I repeat anything?”

The overall goal of these techniques is to exhibit great disinterest, in turn making the prospective employer sell to you. Turn the tables. Remember, leave the suit at home, ignore the handshake, rearrange the resume, spin the interview questions, avoid eye contact, bored is good, eat lunch without asking, get interviewed during the interview and generally do not give a damn. You will not have to wait to see if you received the job, these techniques guarantee the position immediately after the interview. It is recommended you tell the employer you will think about it and request double whatever salary they offer, refusing to accept any less. Most often the employer will offer triple, thereafter. These tactics work 100% of the time, dare to use other methods at your own risk.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Hanus Adhesives Has Breakthrough With Book Glue That Smells-Like-Butt Technology

Much more potent formulation of book glue that smells like butt developed.

NEW YORK (AP) ­– Through advancements in proprietary chemical processing technologies, Hanus Adhesives has developed an extraordinarily potent formulation of butt-stink glue commonly used in the publishing industry to bind books. Not only is the formulation much more potent, even to the most seasoned of bookworms, but the stench activates much sooner. Traditionally, book glue took years of permeation, preferably sitting on a dark musty shelf, to properly develop that trademark stench, akin to a rear end. However, with Hanus’ new formulation the foul smell is almost instantly perceptible in the newest of books.

Chief adhesives engineer at Hanus Adhesives, Bill Richardson, had this to say about the new technology:

Our revolutionary glue formulation absolutely blows the other book binding glues out of the water. Hanus’ proprietary processes will have books smelling like butt nearly right off the bookstore shelf. The unpleasant smell coming from books utilizing our glue will be so strong that anyone within a ten-foot radius will instantly think you have been swimming in a septic tank or just have horrendously poor hygiene.

Hanus’ innovative book glue allows one to eliminate the years and years of waiting that it took for a book to acquire its reeking odor. Avid reader and New York Public Library desk reference librarian, Samantha Chalkes, was thrilled with the new glue: “I am very happy with Hanus Adhesives and their wonderful new bookbinding glue. It’s nice to be able to read while using the restroom and have the book stink more than your load.” 

An additional benefit to Hanus’ new glue is that the strength of the odor intensifies exponentially over time. The odor is available almost instantly, but the longer the book sits on the shelf the greater the power of the stench becomes; increasing in potency approximately ten-fold annually.

Janet Philgrove, head of PR at Random House Publishing, was admittedly ecstatic with the news that Hanus had finally developed their glue that smells-like-butt technology. “I heard rumors that Hanus Adhesives was trying to develop this more potent, awful-smelling book glue and to see it finally be released, I am almost speechless, but also breathless due to the stink. It really alters the landscape of the publishing industry. I do not see Random House using any glue manufacturer than Hanus.”

At the time of publishing, Hanus had secured exclusive agreements with almost every major publishing company in the U.S. and is said to be in development of a Super-Stench Stage II formulation of their current stinky glue blend.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Local Teacher Overloaded With Laudatory Language

Mrs. Hickens Exhausts Enriching Expressions For Good Grades

Reprinted with permission from the New Brunswick Chronicle ©.
NEW JERSEY­— Verner Elementary School fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Sheila Hickens, claims to have run out of optimistic words to write on her students’ papers when they perform well on a quiz, test, paper or various assignment. With a career spanning 37 years, Mrs. Hickens fears she only has a limited lexis of laudatory language left. She always tried her best to write an assortment of encouraging and congratulatory language on her pupils’ papers to commend a good grade, but feels the years have turned her terrific terms trite. “At this point in my career, I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to exaggeratedly scribble ‘WOW’ or ‘Great Job’ in bright red ink on some pointless paper,” Sheila states emphatically. 

Having taught every elementary school grade level at multiple school districts across the great state of New Jersey, Mrs. Hickens was accustomed to writing a wide-range of uplifting words and even the occasional doodle. “Kindergarteners were the easiest to write praise for; most of the time I just drew smiley faces, check or plus marks, and stars.” Hickens learned early on that the utilization of gleaming star stickers garnered the greatest reactions from the children. “In 1977 I was teaching first grade in Hoboken, and really started getting into drawing stars on papers when one day I happened upon some shiny star stickers, in I believe…some craft mail order catalog, so I used the star stickers in class one day and the kids absolutely loved it,” recalls Mrs. Hickens.

The star stickers changed Sheila’s entire ethos of extolment. Running through nearly every possible variant of color, design and size for star stickers, Mrs. Hickens moved on to use every possible smiley face adaptation over the years. Mrs. Hickens says, “I could have stuck with the same set of stickers and praiseworthy words, but that is the quickest way to lose your sanity in this job, it’s something simple like using the identical smiley face sticker every day for ten years, then suddenly you snap.”

“To tell you the truth, most of the time I wrote on kids’ papers it was empty commendations, you can’t mean it every time you say ‘Excellent’ on the same spelling test you’ve given for 20 years,” Sheila bluntly declares. It’s evident that all the acclaim takes its toll on teachers. Even for someone like Sheila who takes great pride in her praisings. “I don’t think once, any student ever came up to me to say I did a ‘Fabulous’ or ‘Marvelous’ job teaching the class how to read…I taught these kids how to read and the admiration I receive is the seldom apple placed on my desk from some kid who picks his nose all day in class!” exclaims Mrs. Hickens,

Last year, Mrs. Hickens heard some dreadful news about a former star student. “I taught Timothy Willis in third grade and he was an excellent student, star-studded papers, and I happened to hear from his mother that he withdrew from a class in college; this just broke my heart,” Sheila continues, “it's hard to believe that all of my stars, smileys, and 'Super's' were all for naught.” Mrs. Hickens began to question her applauding-word-filled career, now feeling that she has run her capability to commend dry. Mrs. Hickens adds, “With Timothy, I even wrote out his name and sometimes a small note on his tests, like: ‘Super Good Job Timothy, Keep up the good work!’ And to know he is not applying himself in college after all of my encouragement just pangs me.”

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to write the same thing or the variation or combination of all the same words over and over again,” says Sheila. After having written countless commendations and placed a myriad of shiny stickers on papers for decades, Mrs. Hickens feels that “enough is enough” and after years of wanting to escape, cannot wait to leave teaching and retire to a life where “Great Job” is not, as she puts it, “tossed around like crayons in a Kindergarten class.”

Royce Gracie: Dis Iz My Howwz

Click comic to enlarge

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Review: Grand King Mattress- Plenty of Room for Me and All Five of My Wives

No more complaints from my wives. Before I had the Grand King there was a complicated rotation schedule that they hated. Some slept in bed with me, and the others had to be on the floor in sleeping bags. Now, I have so much room with this new mattress that I am looking in to getting another wife. The last time I had this much room in bed I only had two wives! I have some prospects lined up at the moment; they are going through trial phases. I am keeping it a secret so I can surprise the wives with the potential new wife.

I'm not going to lie, I'm thinking of buying another one of these Grand Kings so I can REALLY boost the wife count. Sleeping arrangements can be a real hindrance; the wives always complaining they "don't like sleeping on the floor." The kids certainly don't mind it.

I have 23 children. Most of them just sleep on the couch, under the kitchen table or in the tree fort. You can only sleep so many people on two double size beds. The house is carpeted so the floor is like a giant bed anyways, if you ask me. What we really need here at the house is a Grand King toilet. Someone's always holding up the bathroom. My solution was to dig a trench in the yard for emergency internal relief, which is quite often when you only have one bathroom and a large number of people. The trough was quickly overrun; I should have drained off the refuse into the neighbors' yard seeing as how they nitpicked so much about it. I was surprised with how quickly it filled up, considering the trough was in the front yard, nobody in the house seemed to have any hold ups with using it...unless they were constipated. Now that I think about it, the neighbors were probably right to complain, it actually did stink pretty terribly, not to mention having to watch us defecate in a trough. This one neighbor kid, I think his name is Adam, would always lose his basketball in our yard because we live at the bottom of a hill. Needless to say, it would drop into our honey hole almost every time. To my surprise, he never wanted the balls back.

But back to the Grand King; it's super comfortable. Because of the memory foam, my other wives say they barely notice when I am getting my "private time" with one of them, since all the wives fit on the bed now. So it's definitely a nice solid mattress. A good frame helps too. Please, do not skimp on the frame with such a majestic mattress.

I have a foot fetish, so a lot of the time I will sleep at my wives' feet. The Grand King affords me this option. You simply cannot do this with any other mattress.

With the new mattress came a new sleeping system. The wives came up with this after multiple sleeping arrangement disputes: an alarm wakes me up every couple of hours and I move my position, sleeping next to someone else. Let me tell you, we tried a similar system previously and I nixed it after not being able to fall asleep from having to wake up and move around, especially having to go sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I actually pretended to sleep with a wife on the floor most nights, just telling them in the morning, "Oh, you were warm last night," or something. They never knew the difference. With the Grand King, I fall asleep right away. It's that supple and soothing. Not only does this mattress allow me to fall sleep with such a complicated sleeping schedule, but it fits all of my wives in ONE BED. No more pretending to sleep on the floor. Just perpetuating that lie was tiresome in itself.

Instead of getting up and moving around I just have to roll around a bit. A few of my wives are pregnant; it's especially difficult to roll over them. On the rare occasion when rolling doesn't work, I get up and walk around. FYI- A baby bump can really trip you up when wandering a ginormous bed at night, so be careful.

I'm not going to lie; the bed is so large that at night, sometimes I get lost on the thing. Just last night I had to get up to use the restroom and spent like ten minutes searching for the edge of the bed in the dark. This has happened to me on multiple occasions and my wives, too. Actually, my pregnant wives are the ones who first told me about not being able to navigate their way off the bed in the dark, because they have to get up to pee so often, and I didn't believe them until it happened to me. I am seriously considering wearing adult diapers to bed now. Go ahead and invest in some adult diapers for the first month or so you sleep in the bed. It's hard to appreciate its enormity until you experience it first hand. I would be rolling and rolling, crawling, and even walking, but still couldn't manage find the edge to get off the bed.

Since we had so much trouble getting off the bed at night we devised a plan so one would be able to find their way off without difficulty. You may want to try this as well. It's the same course-plotting principle used in cave diving; we have a string or rope that we lay on the bed that is used as a guide to the perimeter. It's been working so far, at least if you are near the edge to begin with. Sometimes you are just too tired to keep going if you're deeper in. Thankfully, you are on a bed so you can just lie down and fall asleep if you get exhausted.

To conclude, if you have multiple wives, like me, you will love this bed. There is lots of space, absolutely excessive amounts of room, and it's very lush and comfortable. This bed gives me the option of expanding my wife count, something other beds just do not offer. No more musical beds for me, just one giant one.

Link to the review on Amazon

(Comment on Amazon)
David Beaty says:

Very humorous. I hope you are kidding! You never know these days! But then, I'm gullible when it comes to jokes. In any case thanks for the laugh.     

(The Reply)
Hugh Jass says:

I hope you're kidding, David! Is there something wrong with being happily married to multiple women with whom I've had countless children? No! There certainly is not. Why I asked that question and subsequently answered it I don't know. The point is, there should be nothing funny about my review. I was simply recounting every aspect of the mattress and how it fit into my life to provide people like you an unbiased opinion of the product. Yet, you, and many others (only 4 of 23 people found the review helpful), didn't appreciate my effort. To say I'm displeased would be an understatement of Grand King mattress proportions. Nonetheless, I will supply an update for those who do value my evaluations.

Update: I'm very pleased with the Grand King. How pleased? (I'm about to answer my own question again). I've since purchased two more of these mattresses, and still have wives who must sleep on the floor. Yes, it's that good. Albeit, I've decided to have a Grand King for my solitary use, in my own personal bedroom. The thing is, I need, at the very least, ten or more hours of sleep. And when half of my wives get up at 4:30 a.m. for work and the other half work a night shift at the old Lee Perkins Lead Casting & Chemical Testing factory (my wives [and the kids, too] pretty much run that entire plant), it's impossible to achieve that sleep quota. Otherwise I'm drowsy and barely feel aware enough properly watch Steve Wilkos at noon, and I never, ever miss Steve; the man could make himself cry he is so callous. What I mean by that is, if he shouted at himself in the mirror, he would have a hard time controlling his emotions, and probably his bladder as well. I know I've pissed myself several times seeing him throw chairs and shout in people's faces. But yes, the mattress is excellent. Could not ask for more...or maybe I'm the last person on Earth who should be saying that, considering I have so many wives they can't fit on TWO Grand Kings. However, that's besides the point. I love the Grand King. I would marry it if I could, which I checked, and I cannot marry it. I'd probably marry it even if I didn't love it that much, kind of like what I did with my wife Betty. Don't worry, she'll never read this. The wives don't even have access to newspapers, much less the world wide web.

I hope this update shed some insight into what it's like to own a product as splendid as the Grand King.          

(Another comment on the review)

Anonymous says:

Wow, how long did it take you to write this stupid review? Pretty pathetic - maybe you could have done something useful with your time...

Hugh Jass says:

I did, and your wife is happy now

(Comment on review)

It's amusing to think a man would ever have multiple wives, consider they can hardly even get one off before passing out snoring and farting.

I like humor. Funny humor. Not frat-boy haha-misogyny-is-so-funny humor. look up misogyny on, that whirring sound is my humor going way over your giant skull.


I-like-humor-too-Morgaine. Not any kind of humor, but funny humor, just like you. Thank you for the criticism. And I agree, sometimes humor is misogynistic (more like miss-o(b)gyn-istic, get it?!) in an unfunny way. Taking your advice, I looked up misogyny (well, I had a wife do it for me), but on Wikipedia. (You should have told me to go to you probably think I'm a dick). After figuring out what it meant, I decided to edit the page. Seems like misogyny is a word that has a lot of negative connotations, especially for someone like me, who has so many wives he had numbers tattooed on their arms so he can keep track of them. So I'm just doing my part to take the bad parts out of that Wikipedia page, and maybe more people who look up misogyny won't think misogynists are so terrible. In any event, I think you may not be appreciating the roof your husband put over your head. Now that was misogynistic. I apologize. Morgaine, you're right, maybe I am a little misogynistic, buying big comfy beds so my wives don't have to sleep on the floor. (Update: the grand king is an awesome mattress, still very pleased with the purchase). However, there's no denying that I love women, I love many women in many different ways, and that's not a joke about my sex life.