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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

First-Class with Mr. Grandiose

I am Mr. Grandiose. Wealthy, affluent, well-heeled, rolling in it, loaded and so on and so forth; these are just some of the words I use to illustrate my economic abundance. I possess innumerable luxury automobiles, a countless number of estates that dot the globe and other worldly chattels as a result of my fortunes. I have a chief servant, James, whom is ceaselessly by my side, heeding to my every command and demand. Every person I have ever met and ever will meet is extraordinarily impressed just by my presence, not to mention my astonishing assets, so I am writing this article to bequeath some insights on what it’s like to live the superior life.

Yesterday, I was cruising the local waterways on my mega-yacht, the Noble Phallus, allowing the area natives to view my inspiring vessel in admiration, when I slipped on the daybreak-dew-drenched deck while promenading to the bow for my morning shouting of, “I’m the KING OF THE WORLD.” Thankfully, I survived with only minor injury, a bruised buttocks, which I had James briskly massage for several hours in the nude. (He was nude; I had a towel on.) I have subsequently fired a majority of the crew for allowing such a blunder. Those certain crewmembers were promptly tossed overboard several miles out at sea; wherein a majority was recovered by my fleet of helicopters, only to be airlifted to my tropical island game reserve where I will hunt them as a leisurely pursuit. Tennis gets boring. ‘Tis nothing any of my employees were not aware of; as game reserve hunting is an express termination condition listed in each contract for anyone who works in one of my enterprises.

Nevertheless, I soon recognized that I needed to make a better non-slip yacht shoe; one that produces so much friction that I could walk up the side of one of my buildings with it. So naturally, I decided to forcefully acquire Sperry Top Sider, makers of the original, nautically inspired, non-slip boat shoes. 

“Forget nautically inspired, it’s Grandiose inspired from now on!” I graciously introduced myself to the remaining staff at Sperry. There was a compromise of sorts; Sperry agreed to design their shoe line after the Noble Phallus, my mega-yacht (as if you didn’t know that already). The shoe upper is comprised of ultra-rare dwarf-albino-salamander scrotum. Each pair of shoes derives 75 of these creatures’ scrotums.

Why did the design team choose such an organism? It was clearly inspired from my yacht upholstery, which is entirely albino-Sperm whale scrotum lined (no correlation to Melville’s Moby Dick). The sole of the magnificent shoe consists entirely of cured and specially treated, Indian elephant ass; because it is widely regarded as the supreme moisture wicking hide in the animal kingdom. I chose the ass due to the fact that it denotes power, provocative musculature, and dominance. With our special treatment, which is fundamentally a durable paste (sea turtle egg whites, panda corneas and other exceptional ingredients) applied to the elephant-ass-sole, I can literally walk out onto the wing of my private jet, mid-flight, without a care in the world. In fact, you should see me in a Sperry commercial soon walking on the wing of my private jet cruising at 500 mph, with James sitting in the nude on my shoulders, advertising the Grandiose edition of Sperry Top Siders. Suck it Branson! If you need to know the price, you can’t afford it.

I’ve since sold Sperry to a group of eager investors at substantial gain. The boat shoe market will never be the same with the innovations I brought to the industry with my Grandiose edition shoes. In addition, I have developed farming methods to mass-produce, therein saving, the dwarf-albino salamander from extinction. As for the Indian elephant ass-soles, lets just say there are quite a few assless elephants roaming the jungles. It’s possible to harvest the ass flesh of the Indian elephant because it naturally reproduces: a sustainable process. In the animal hide business, it’s customary to refer to the rear of the animal as the ass. Don’t think for one moment my usage of ass is crass.

In summary, I am back to my routine of shouting at daybreak on the bow of Noble Phallus. No slips since, (well, not counting James’ nip-slips, LOL) which is not surprising considering I designed and created the shoe. If not for gravity, I assure you I would be able to walk up a wall. I’m certain of that. James, my chief servant, is calling me to the heated indoor Olympic-sized and VOSS artesian water from Norway filled pool on my yacht. I require James to test the water with his reproductive organs to gauge if the temperature is to my standards. I must go and assist with the testing. Until next time, who knows where I will be, however I can guarantee that wherever I am and whatever I am doing, it will be extraordinarily excellent.

Variation of this article as a Sperry shoe review

Friday, February 18, 2011

Types of Bumper Stickers and Their Respective Owners

You want the world to know something about you, something often ostentatious, so you promote that something…with a sticker…on your bumper.
  • Political bumper stickers:
    • Radical choice – You’re probably a partisan pothead: “Legalize It”; worship Glenn Beck: “Obama Is Hitler”; or otherwise have odd, but strong convictions: “People Against Zombies” or "Palin for Imperial Leader." 
    • Local politician – Nobody knows who that person is or cares, except you; you’re probably related to them and were pressured into putting the sticker on your vehicle.
    • My party won (and is better) - You still have a Bush/Cheney sticker on your SUV and/or the mast of your sailboat.
    • My party lost (but should have won) – You’re still proudly parading Gore/Lieberman 2000 around town and regularly wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “Recount!”
  • My kid’s an honor student - “Wow, I’m impressed. Good for them and their high achieving child” –Not one person, ever.
  • Prestigious University- Ivy League, good for you…gooooood for you. And I see that you are driving a BMW. You are certainly doing well. You must’ve majored in Conceited Studies.
  • Humorous- “Shit happens”- this is OK.
  • Radio station- You still listen to the radio? Why would you put a sticker on your car to let everyone know?
  • Bank- Did you really put a bank bumper sticker on your car? Even people who work at that bank don’t do that.
  • Religious- Translation: “I go to church every Sunday and even some other days of the week, too. I’m virtuously better than you or at least that’s what I want people to think about me. Do you think I go to church because I like it!?”
  • Sports team- Translation: “On weekends I’m very busy, often multi-tasking: watching TV, drinking beer, eating nachos and shouting at a luminous box.”
  • Cartoon pissing on Ford/Chevy- This sticker doesn't upset the Ford or Chevy owners as much as it does geriatrics with prostate issues who have trouble urinating.
  • I'm an advocate- You eat meat and shoot things or don’t like people who eat meat and shoot things.
  • American flag- Translation: “Everyone take notice of my patriotism; I bought this at the gas station. No it wasn’t made in China. It was made in the Philippines. There’s a difference!”
  • Confederate flag- Translation: “I’m tolerant.” You probably live in San Francisco and drive a Prius.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Review: Justin Bieber Limited Edition 3D Glasses

Justin Bieber Limited Edition 3-d GlassesLet me start off by saying that I'm a belieber! 100%! Justin truly is amazing and an inspiration to all. Even my granny loves him. At first she thought Biebs was a girl, but she did think she/he was talented. I told Granny his name is Justin, it's a boy, silly. I live in my granny's basement and that's how she came to know Justin and his songs. I took her to see Never Say Never ten times; out of the 27 1/2 times I went to see the movie; which was so motivating and powerful, loved it. The 1/2 is due to me having to go to the bathroom (a serious turd attack), there was no way I could hold it in. The rest of the times I went to see the movie I just wore adult diapers so I wouldn't have to get up anymore. Even though I had seen the movie 15 times at that point, I just liked it so much, there was no way I was going to miss any Bieberness on an enormous movie theater screen. No way. The glasses are awesome, I wore them to all 27 1/2 viewings, even when I saw the movie and it wasn't showing in 3D. I wear the glasses most everyday, even to work and they are the absolutely wonderful. People compliment me all the time on my snazzy purple glasses.

Justin took out the lenses in his glasses, but I kept them in because I think it looks cool. Plus, you see things in like another dimension, pretty much. Everything looks like it is coming right at you. I was buying a Snickers bar at a convenience store and when the cashier went to hand me the change I accidentally smacked it out of his hand because I thought he was going to hit me in the face. This happened a few more times before I realized it was the glasses that were making me think that things were going to hit me in the face. I was banned from a store because I got in an argument with a cashier after accusing him of trying to hit me with a fistful of change. 

Never Say Never

I don't care how much trouble these Bieber glasses get me in. I love them. They bring me that much closer to Justin. My boss does not like me wearing them at work; when I am making sandwiches at Subway. My boss will shout, "Justin, you need to take those stupid glasses off and stop singing! You are 42 years old!" I legally changed my name to Justin, if you were wondering. I just flick my hair in disagreeance at him (I got the Bieber cut), and he usually leaves me alone after that. He also doesn't like that I recite Justin Bieber lyrics all day. "Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooohh." Sometimes I will sing Baby like all day at work with my iPod earbuds in and just shouting the lyrics. A customer might say, "Turkey, blah, blah, blah, no Mayo." And I'm all like, "...Baby, OOOHH! Here's your Meatball Sub." They're all like, "What are you doing? I didn't order this!" I'm all like, "Whoa, don't point when I gotz 3D Bieber glasses on, bozo!" Then they say, "What the hell is wrong with you? I wanna talk to a manager!" Then I say, "This justin: you're not a belieber!" And I smash a bunch of lettuce in their face. Now I don't work at Subway anymore. Their loss, IMHO. No biggie, now I just have more time to be with Bieber. 

The glasses are rockin'. I'll even sleep with them on sometimes (don't tell my granny). I once paid a bunch of kids to chase me down the street shouting "Justin! Justin!" when I was dressed up as Bieber (which is pretty much all the time! lol). Soooooo much fun. I'm not going to lie, if I walk past a mirror and glance at myself real quick I have to look twice because I think it's actually Justin. LOLZ! The glasses are especially good when seeing Never Say Never. You feel like Justin is in there with you! Which by now, I have seen 31 times. You're an inspiration Justin!!! Just remember to not wear the glasses in public unless you are prepared to think you have things coming at your face all the time. Buy these glasses, go see Bieb on the big-screen, buy his music and if you really love him you will move to Canada where Justin was born. I am moving soon, well, as soon as I get another job and can afford to move. My eyes are hurting me for some reason, I think from typing so much with these glasses. Bai Guyz! Buy these glasses and go see the movie!

Link to Amazon review 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Craigslist Craziness: TV Want Ad

This is a real Craigslist want ad for a free television [Location, names and other sensitive info has been changed], below is the correspondence of the e-mail exchange and events that took place between the wanted ad inquirer and Greathouse of Humor (GoH):

Want a free tv 36 inch or bigger (Freeville)

Do you have a tv that works but don’t want it anymore that is 36 inch or bigger but don’t want it anymore my husband will pick it can’t afford to buy a new or use tv right now but can hardly see the face on my 20 inch and can’t afford new glasses right now. Thanks
Samsung LN52C530 52-Inch 1080p 60 Hz LCD HDTV, Black
GoH replies:
Hi, saw your want ad and think I can help. My 52” Samsung (see attached picture)is too small for my new entertainment center and I have no room for it elsewhere or I would keep it. Where in Freeville do you live? I’ll have my son drop it off.

Free TV Wanter:
Yes that would be great I would love to have the tv I am home all day drop it off at any time my address is [address deleted]. Thank you very much

Okay, Sheila, I will have my son drop the TV off tomorrow afternoon, around 3, at your residence. Is that a good time for you? Do you need him to help bringing it into your house?


Free TV Wanter:
Yah 3 is good if your son could help my husband bringing it in that would be helpful because I can’t probably lift it. thanks Sheila

[One day goes by]

Free TV Wanter:
Jason I don’t think your son came by I was home all day and didn’t hear anyone knock or anything what happened. Sheila

I am so sorry Sheila, my son dropped off the TV at the wrong house, must’ve written the wrong address down. Here’s where he said he dropped it off at: [address near her house]. You can try getting it back, just let them know what happened. We are very busy and I would get it myself but there is a family emergency. Let me know what happens.


Free TV Wanter:
I went to the place you said and it’s a 7-11 store I think your son is lieing or sold the tv or something you need to figure out what he did with the tv.

You were right Sheila, my son tried to sell the TV to a friend but I have it back now. This is a very stressful time for the family and me; I cannot believe he did this. I am so sorry. I have the TV and he promises to deliver it to you, properly, this time. Expect him to come by around 10, tomorrow morning, if that’s good for you.

Free TV Wanter:
Ok that is good .Sheila

[52” TV box is dropped off at residence filled with rocks to simulate weight of TV, knocked on door at 5AM and took off]

Free TV Wanter:
I got scared and woked up cause someone bangged on my door so early and my husband was working so I see it’s the tv I hurt my back bringing it up my steps cause I didn’t want to leave it outside someone could steel it and I open it and it’s full of rocks no tv! Your son is a little [expletive] wht the hell is going on and I want that tv already find where it is and I will come and get it please. Sheila

I’m so, so sorry for what happened. I cannot express to you how disappointed I am with my son, Sheila. His vehicle has been taken away from him and he is undoubtedly grounded for a week, except for Saturday because he has a Creed concert to go to, but he is in serious trouble. Unfortunately, I am very busy with work and the family emergency; otherwise I would personally deliver the TV, but I will have to have my son deliver it to you again. I want him to go over to your house, deliver the TV, set it up and apologize to you. I’m also going to give you a DVD player that my son purchased with his own money. I know you just want to be able to enjoy watching TV on a bigger screen. Please let me know how things go.

Free TV Wanter:
I geuss that is ok, just make sure there is no trouble or I am done with all this [expletive]. Sheila

[Later the next day]

Free TV Wanter:
What the [expletive] your piece of [expletives deleted] son came and screwed us over!! Your son came and apologized and put the tv up and everything together and left and then after the cops came to my house and said my car licenses plates was seen leaving a burglary with a tv and then your son showed up and identified me and my husband and said was his tv! I was in a cop car for an hour with neighbors waching and your son finally decided to not press charges and he took the TV and everything back and left and I go back inside and my tv is broked on the floor!!! that little piece of [expletives deleted]!!! [expletive] you and your [expletive] son you [expletives deleted]!!!!

OMG! I am so sorry about all of this, Sheila. I was wondering what happened when my son came back saying you didn’t want the TV. It’s in wonderful condition and the picture is crystal clear; looking into my house, from my backyard, I was able to read the ESPN ticker no problem. Then I get your email and see what has really happened. My son will be grounded for another business week, five days, he is still allowed to go the the Creed concert, but I told him he is restricted from waiving his glowing iPhone screen when everyone in the crowd does and cannot sing along to any of the good songs, which really, none of them are good, so there will be no singing. I think it’s best we part ways and forget this ever happened. Sorry again about this whole ordeal.

Free TV Wanter:
You are a real [expletive] you and your son I would sue you if I had money to. Go [expletive] yourself [expletive]!!!!!!!

[No further correspondence in this email thread]

[Surprisingly, the TV want ad is not taken down, so GoH sends another email from a different email address]

GoH alternative reply:
I would love to have your old 20” TV. My 10” black and white is getting old and it’s hard to see without sitting right in front of it or using binoculars from the couch. Since you are going to get another TV, a much bigger one, can I come and get your 20” TV? When is a good time to come pick it up or check it out?

Thank you,

Free TV Wanter:
NO the tv is broke if you don’t have a TV to give then do not email me please

What is with the attitude? Have you tried plugging the TV in? That could be the problem. What is your address? I can come pick it up.

Free TV Wanter:
The tv is smashed ok! It don’t matter if it plugged in you idiot you can’t have it or fix it please stop your bothering me

I saw your want ad and was going to do a good deed and surprise you with a new 40” flatscreen TV when I came to your house to “look” at your old TV. What is your address? I will come by and drop off the TV tomorrow.

Thank you,

Free TV Wanter:
Are you serius cause I don’t want to be screwed wit?

Yeeaah, I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the TV. Please just let me come over and take a quick look at the TV, I know I could fix it. I cannot stop thinking about your TV. I don’t care if it’s broken, I just know I'd be able to make it work. How about I just drop by, I’ll bring a 12-pack of beer and you let me see the TV from across the room. Sound good?

Thank you,

Free TV Wanter:
Ok Frederic, if you bring the beer you can come see the tv my address is [address censored] so just come by tomorrow at 6 and have the beer only then you can come in.

That sounds excellent, I will definitely be there tomorrow with the beer, lolz, I will bring it, I promise. Thank you very much.

[The next day at 5:55PM]

6-Pack of O'Doul's Non Alcoholic BeerGoH:
Hey, I changed my mind, not going to come see the TV. I drank the 12-pack and am not feeling good. I wondered what beer tasted like so I drank all of these O’Doul’s. Beer tastes terrible FYI, I don’t know why I drank all of them, I feel soooooo drunk right now. Plus, my mom had to take my little sister to soccer and couldn’t bring me to see the TV. How about tomorrow? I will come by with another 12-pack of O’Doul’s.

Free TV Wanter:
[Expletive] off kid!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: The Super Bowl of "Investing"

Editor’s note: This is a guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews. Jeffrey does some accounting and financial related work for GoH. After bugging us to let him write an article about investment advice, we finally gave in and let him write something up. He purportedly has spot-on, yet eccentric, advice on investing and finance. 

The Neatest Little Guide to Stock Market Investing, 2010 EditionHello readers of this excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor. The editors at Greathouse of Humor have kindly allowed me to write an investment advice article. I’ve been doing this investment thing for a long time and have been very, very successful. I now own, outright, a recreational vehicle that I currently live in, because I like to travel, now that I am semi-retired at the age of 48.

In this article I am going to reveal some of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies. I was told to keep things relevant, but that is not a problem for me, my procedures thrive on relevancy. Most every stock I buy is a consequence of current events.

The American male’s holiday of manliness is upon us, the Super Bowl. I find it’s an excellent opportunity to invest. The first thing I do is buy a bunch tabloids, watch TMZ and keep a close eye on famous peoples’ Tweets. Why? People of influence drive the economy. Are the Octomom’s kids dressed in Packers apparel? Is Owen Wilson wearing Steelers wrist-sweatbands? Did Wilmer Valderama tweet that he loves the Steelers? These are all things that lead to lots of sales and act as guide for where to invest.

Through extensive research I discovered that Nike is the apparel brand behind these teams. If I go online and see that TMZ’s video of the Octomom’s kids in Packers apparel (made by Nike) has been viewed by 5,000 people, then it’s utterly apparent that most Americans will be buying this for their kids. Same thing if Wilmer Valderama had a Steelers hat on that was shown on TMZ. This means that you should be buying Nike stock, because it is about to skyrocket. For every 1,000 views a prominent video from a celebrity like this gets, I purchase 500 shares (that’s a ratio of 27 ¼: π) of that company’s stock.

Next, the most important step of all, watching the Super Bowl commercials. Funniness of a commercial is directly correlated to sales. Rule of thumb: the amount of time you laugh equates to the number of shares that should be bought. If I am laughing for the entire duration of the commercial I will undoubtedly buy at least $3500 worth of shares for whatever product that commercial is advertising. That night and the next day when those commercials show up on YouTube is when I get a good chance to watch them.

Here is how I gauge how many shares to purchase after watching these commercials on YouTube: watch a video twice and still laugh equals 250 shares, watch five times and still laughing is 500 shares, pee my pants laughing (even just a little) after ten views equals 3,000 shares, neighbors call the police due to unremitting screaming (my laughter) I will generally buy a minimum of 10,000 shares and hold the stock for six months.

Doritos Tortilla Chips, Cool Ranch, 1.75-Ounce Bags (Pack of 60)An alternative investment option is direct procurement. I choose one commercial every year that I really like and buy up a bunch of that product to put into storage and sell down the line after it has accrued tremendous value and demand is high in the collector’s market. For example, I have a storage unit absolutely jam packed full of Doritos. Not only are Doritos delicious and their Super Bowl ads hilarious, but the bags of chips with Super Bowl related content on the packaging will be worth an absolute fortune to sports memorabilia and food collectors alike. Wise investors buy Doritos, just make sure to get a climate controlled storage unit as not to spoil the chips.

On a side note, you can buy other products as well. One year I bought a car, I think it's a Hyundai, based on a stunning commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. It’s now in a storage unit, I’m just waiting for the right time to put it on market as “the car that was advertised in a Super Bowl commercial.”

My tips are guaranteed money-making investments. I hope I helped people with my investment and financial advice. Please post any questions in the comments.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Review: Honey Bunches of Oats

Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds Cereal, 14.5-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 4)Yesterday I was in the supermarket and couldn’t decide between corn flakes, frosted flakes, a cereal with almonds or one with crunchy I just stood there...standing (yes, I stood there, standing)...irresolute...vacillating with uncertainty. Partly because I had no idea how I got in the store (it was because I took an Ambien), but for the most part because I was having a hell of a time deciding which cereal to buy.

I would reach out to grab a box and then stop halfway. A box would find its way into my cart and I would immediately put it back. At one point I even had four different types of cereal in my cart. “No way I’m buying all these different cereals. There’s just no way.” While I’m saying this to myself, the stockboy is staring at me. “Why did I ever decide to come in here with a robe on and slippers today?” I thought to myself. My attire had undermined any wisp of non-creepiness I had when I entered the store. Time was not on my side, a choice had to be made.

A crowd was starting to form. People were taking bets on what choice I was going to make. Okay, maybe that didn’t really happen; I mistook the crowd for a mom with a bunch of kids that I saw from the corner of my eye. Nonetheless, I had to get home. I was hungry. I decided to just close my eyes and grab a box. After spinning around several times, I stuck my arm out and grabbed what felt like a big bag of marshmallows; it was an elderly woman’s buttocks. She had apparently bent over in front of me to pick up a penny. I quickly tried to explain it was an honest mistake, however, she struck me with her purse before I could finish my explanation and take my hand off her bottom. Luckily, she hurried off soon after. 

This was beginning to become a disaster. I needed cereal and I needed it fast. My neck was cranked, after the purse smack, to an area of the aisle I wasn’t looking at before, and then I saw it: Honey Bunches of Oats. It had everything I was looking for in a cereal: the corn flakes, frosted flakes, almonds, crunchy clusters, and even some stuff I wasn’t looking for, like granola oat things (which look like they are perfectly sized to block an unsuspecting windpipe). But most importantly, the cereal denotes healthiness, while it’s actually not really all that healthy. I like that. Looks good in the pantry if someone sees it, but doesn’t taste like wood chips. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in a cereal? Unfortunately, before I could pick up a box the manager told me to leave.

Long story short, I went home and bought this multi-pack on Amazon. It tastes like no cereal I have ever had before. And you know me, (edit: you probably don’t), I’ve had a lot of cereal. If you are on the fence about trying this cereal, don’t be. I think it was well worth the inadvertent old woman butt squeeze and getting banned from the store. But that’s just me.

Lessons I learned:
Going into the real world is overrated. Especially when MTV has a show called The Real World, which I can watch from the comfort of my own home. And let me tell ya, when people start getting real, it gets real, really quick. That’s the slogan for the show, if you didn’t know.
Buying food online is fun!
Don’t take Ambien. Ever.

Link to the review on Amazon