Faith-based blogging with prankster Billy Sallies

Hi there, I'm Billy Sallies, a Christian and a part-time prankster. I share faith-related, lighthearted, and humorous stories. 

The other day I was in a local restaurant, just about to say grace, and I hear this guy sitting near me say he's an atheist, so I followed him home. I discover that he lives in a pretty nice house. (I know, atheists have houses??? I thought they all lived in shared sinner condos or something). I wanted to see where this guy lived, what his lawn looked like, what kind of shampoo he used, how he showers. (He starts with his feet! I know right, weeeiird). So turns out this guy’s a real creepy Weirdy McWeirdo, which I already suspected, with him being an atheist and all. 

So I'm in this guy's house, kinda just silently observing him from the shadows, just watching him, trying to figure out what makes an atheist an atheist, and I'm thinking about leaving, but I decided that before I go I'm gonna do something to this guy. I'll do one of my patented pranks on him, maybe paint his toenails or fart in his face when he’s sleeping; something really funny like that. But I decided to scare him straight…to Jesus. I would wait until he sneezed, and say "God blesses you," pretending to be God saying God bless you to this guy. I know, hilarious. I found a nice kitchen closet to hide in and wait until he fell asleep, which was a long time, like four and a half hours. He had plenty of food in there to snack on though. Thank the Lord he was storing some canned hams in this closet I was hiding in and that I have a stainless steel crucifix on my keychain; which I was able to use to open the can and jab his dog with so it would stop trying to get some ham scraps. Sorry, not all dogs go to heaven, especially ones with atheist owners. Again, how weird, the guy had this closet full of food(???). 

Somehow I fell asleep for like an hour or two, but what woke me up was this guy's sneeze. He was a yell-sneezer, totally uncalled for yell that accompanies his sneeze, which I despise, but it’s what woke me up to prank him, so I can’t complain. I right away say, “God blesses you,” in this real virtuous, deep voice. And let me tell you, it put the fear of God in him. He got real upset and started shouting, “who’s there” and that he “had a gun” and would call the cops. Which is hilarious; because you can’t call the cops on God, buddy. Just doesn’t work like that, you silly atheist.  

So I decided I should probably explain this to him and ask where his garbage was so I could toss away this canned ham tin. I may be a prankster, but I'm no pig. He must have thought I was God or something, because he was super scared, like he knew he would be going to hell for his lack of faith. Which is funny, because I had a hell of a time explaining to the police what happened the next day after I woke from surgery to get the bullet removed from my shoulder. The police, the judge, and even my lawyer must have been atheists too, because they didn’t believe much of my story either. 


If there’s one thing I learned from all of this, it’s that atheists have NO sense of humor. None at all. I can’t recall how many times I snuck into a Christian’s home and never been shot; getting pepper sprayed is different. There's no pill that can heal like prayer does. You know who has good wifi? Jewish people. Do they believe in God? Gotta go, OMG looks like this Jewish guy’s about to sneeze his yam-u-ku off.

Looking to Rent Your Kids

Friend of Greathouse of Humor, Nick Peterson, wrote this fine piece for a Craigslist ad:

Hello parents, I am looking a few young children to help me get Derek Jeter's autograph tomorrow. Jeter is training down in Tampa, and I need a few kids to stand in line with me and wait for the chance to get a baseball legend. Derek Jeter usually only signs autographs for kids, so this is a perfect opportunity for me to get his autograpg 3, 4 or even 5 times (depending on how many children I recruit).

I can NOT offer you a Derek Jeter signature in return, because I need his signature as many times as I can get. What I can offer you is a picture of your child next to him, and a story that will last a lifetime. If you commit before midnight tonight, I will also throw in an autographed baseball card of the Tampa Ray's team mascot "Raymond". . . an overall value of $3.50.

We will leave the next morning around 2:00 AM. We need to be in Tampa at around 5:00 AM so that we can be the first few people in line. Snacks and beverages will be provided by me. I will have all the Capri-Suns and Oreos that your children desire. If your child requires a car seat, please provide it.

Children must be between the ages of 3-12, male or female. They must be able to stand for long periods of time, have basic social skills, and be potty-trained. Please no medical diseases including Downs's syndrome, schizophrenia, Bell's palsy or any other types of deformity. This is actually a new stipulation because last year Alex Rodriguez did not sign for one of my recruited children. I thought that something like this would help my efforts but it completely backfired. I don't want to take that chance again.

Please feel free to ask me any questions before committing your child for the trip. I am a professional and will treat your kids like they were my own. (My own kids are actually unavailable for tomorrow. . .still waiting on that court hearing). I look forward to working with you and your child!

Bob Haste Cartoon

Remember Me: Alternate Endings From the Cutting Room Floor

"Remember Me", otherwise known as the 9/11 exploitation movie due to the fact that the conclusion of the movie, spectacularly and most tastefully, portrays star Robert Pattinson as perishing in one of the Trade Center towers…on 9/11…in a completely bespoke, explicable ending. Below is an alternate ending(s) from the cutting room floor:

 

Using the restroom in an office on one of the top floors of the Trade Center buildings, waiting for his father, Pattinson is shown reading a newspaper. The camera zooms in on the date [September 11^th, 2001] and cuts to black; hold blank black screen for 20 seconds with obvious airplane noise heard throughout. Slowly fading to next frame; Pattinson is shown waking up in a cold sweat at his home. He walks downstairs, toasts and English muffin and sips some orange juice. At this point the screen turns black and the credits just begin to roll across the screen. But it’s not over!

Pattinson wakes up again; he’s back in the building. He just woke up from a nap while lying on a nice leather couch in his father’s office. He picks up a teen magazine sitting on a glass coffee table, it’s emblazoned with vampires on the cover [date displayed is the eleventyth of septumber], but soon after, Pattinson dozes off, AGAIN. He wakes up to people barking orders and unsettling turbulence. He is sitting in the window seat of an airplane; as he glances out the window he notices the Statue of Liberty. The flight is obviously off-track.

Werewolves have hijacked the plane! Pattinson quickly transforms into a vampire to halt the hijacking. He first stops in the lavatory to check his appearance but cannot see himself in the mirror. This turns out to be his downfall because as soon as he transforms back to human to be able to see his reflection a werewolf attacks his pale and frail human body; eating him whole with one giant bite. HOWEVER, Pattinson transforms back into a vampire, bursting out of the werewolf, killing it in the process. He says, "Didn't your mother teach you to chew your food?"

The movie abruptly cuts to show Pattinson waking up on a cot in a cave (at this point the audience thinks they are watching Inception, that is, if it had come out before this terrible movie). Through Pattinson’s eyes we see a tall, cloaked, bearded man looking down on him; he mumbles some unintelligible language that isn’t English. Subtitles read: “Here, have some water.” Pattinson sits up, has a sip of water that the man offered him. We see the oddly familiar face of the bizarre bearded man one more time and suddenly the screen cuts to black and the credits roll. The movie is over…or is it?

Inquisitive individuals who read the credits see that the “Bearded Man in Cave/Osama bin Laden” was played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Those who sit through to the end of the credits find that the movie has not ended; through a series of flashbacks, Pattinson discovers he was DEAD the entire time. [Fade to black, roll credits] Those who are still in the theater then see the real credits and list Pattinson’s character as actually being played by Bruce Willis the entire time and actor Leonardo DiCaprio playing Osama Bin Laden was really M. Night Shyamalan!!

Local Teacher Overloaded With Laudatory Language

Mrs. Hickens Exhausts Enriching Expressions For Good Grades

Reprinted with permission from the New Brunswick Chronicle ©.
 

NEW JERSEY­— Verner Elementary School fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Sheila Hickens, claims to have run out of optimistic words to write on her students’ papers when they perform well on a quiz, test, paper or various assignment. With a career spanning 37 years, Mrs. Hickens fears she only has a limited lexis of laudatory language left. She always tried her best to write an assortment of encouraging and congratulatory language on her pupils’ papers to commend a good grade, but feels the years have turned her terrific terms trite. “At this point in my career, I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to exaggeratedly scribble ‘WOW’ or ‘Great Job’ in bright red ink on some pointless paper,” Sheila states emphatically. 

Having taught every elementary school grade level at multiple school districts across the great state of New Jersey, Mrs. Hickens was accustomed to writing a wide-range of uplifting words and even the occasional doodle. “Kindergarteners were the easiest to write praise for; most of the time I just drew smiley faces, check or plus marks, and stars.” Hickens learned early on that the utilization of gleaming star stickers garnered the greatest reactions from the children. “In 1977 I was teaching first grade in Hoboken, and really started getting into drawing stars on papers when one day I happened upon some shiny star stickers, in I believe…some craft mail order catalog, so I used the star stickers in class one day and the kids absolutely loved it,” recalls Mrs. Hickens.

The star stickers changed Sheila’s entire ethos of extolment. Running through nearly every possible variant of color, design and size for star stickers, Mrs. Hickens moved on to use every possible smiley face adaptation over the years. Mrs. Hickens says, “I could have stuck with the same set of stickers and praiseworthy words, but that is the quickest way to lose your sanity in this job, it’s something simple like using the identical smiley face sticker every day for ten years, then suddenly you snap.”

“To tell you the truth, most of the time I wrote on kids’ papers it was empty commendations, you can’t mean it every time you say ‘Excellent’ on the same spelling test you’ve given for 20 years,” Sheila bluntly declares. It’s evident that all the acclaim takes its toll on teachers. Even for someone like Sheila who takes great pride in her praisings. “I don’t think once, any student ever came up to me to say I did a ‘Fabulous’ or ‘Marvelous’ job teaching the class how to read…I taught these kids how to read and the admiration I receive is the seldom apple placed on my desk from some kid who picks his nose all day in class!” exclaims Mrs. Hickens,

Last year, Mrs. Hickens heard some dreadful news about a former star student. “I taught Timothy Willis in third grade and he was an excellent student, star-studded papers, and I happened to hear from his mother that he withdrew from a class in college; this just broke my heart,” Sheila continues, “it's hard to believe that all of my stars, smileys, and 'Super's' were all for naught.” Mrs. Hickens began to question her applauding-word-filled career, now feeling that she has run her capability to commend dry. Mrs. Hickens adds, “With Timothy, I even wrote out his name and sometimes a small note on his tests, like: ‘Super Good Job Timothy, Keep up the good work!’ And to know he is not applying himself in college after all of my encouragement just pangs me.”

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to write the same thing or the variation or combination of all the same words over and over again,” says Sheila. After having written countless commendations and placed a myriad of shiny stickers on papers for decades, Mrs. Hickens feels that “enough is enough” and after years of wanting to escape, cannot wait to leave teaching and retire to a life where “Great Job” is not, as she puts it, “tossed around like crayons in a Kindergarten class.”

Review: Grand King Mattress- Plenty of Room for Me and All Five of My Wives

No more complaints from my wives. Before I had the Grand King there was a complicated rotation schedule that they hated. Some slept in bed with me, and the others had to be on the floor in sleeping bags. Now, I have so much room with this new mattress that I am looking in to getting another wife. The last time I had this much room in bed I only had two wives! I have some prospects lined up at the moment; they are going through trial phases. I am keeping it a secret so I can surprise the wives with the potential new wife.

I'm not going to lie, I'm thinking of buying another one of these Grand Kings so I can REALLY boost the wife count. Sleeping arrangements can be a real hindrance; the wives always complaining they "don't like sleeping on the floor." The kids certainly don't mind it.

I have 23 children. Most of them just sleep on the couch, under the kitchen table or in the tree fort. You can only sleep so many people on two double size beds. The house is carpeted so the floor is like a giant bed anyways, if you ask me. What we really need here at the house is a Grand King toilet. Someone's always holding up the bathroom. My solution was to dig a trench in the yard for emergency internal relief, which is quite often when you only have one bathroom and a large number of people. The trough was quickly overrun; I should have drained off the refuse into the neighbors' yard seeing as how they nitpicked so much about it. I was surprised with how quickly it filled up, considering the trough was in the front yard, nobody in the house seemed to have any hold ups with using it...unless they were constipated. Now that I think about it, the neighbors were probably right to complain, it actually did stink pretty terribly, not to mention having to watch us defecate in a trough. This one neighbor kid, I think his name is Adam, would always lose his basketball in our yard because we live at the bottom of a hill. Needless to say, it would drop into our honey hole almost every time. To my surprise, he never wanted the balls back.

But back to the Grand King; it's super comfortable. Because of the memory foam, my other wives say they barely notice when I am getting my "private time" with one of them, since all the wives fit on the bed now. So it's definitely a nice solid mattress. A good frame helps too. Please, do not skimp on the frame with such a majestic mattress.

I have a foot fetish, so a lot of the time I will sleep at my wives' feet. The Grand King affords me this option. You simply cannot do this with any other mattress.

With the new mattress came a new sleeping system. The wives came up with this after multiple sleeping arrangement disputes: an alarm wakes me up every couple of hours and I move my position, sleeping next to someone else. Let me tell you, we tried a similar system previously and I nixed it after not being able to fall asleep from having to wake up and move around, especially having to go sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I actually pretended to sleep with a wife on the floor most nights, just telling them in the morning, "Oh, you were warm last night," or something. They never knew the difference. With the Grand King, I fall asleep right away. It's that supple and soothing. Not only does this mattress allow me to fall sleep with such a complicated sleeping schedule, but it fits all of my wives in ONE BED. No more pretending to sleep on the floor. Just perpetuating that lie was tiresome in itself.

Instead of getting up and moving around I just have to roll around a bit. A few of my wives are pregnant; it's especially difficult to roll over them. On the rare occasion when rolling doesn't work, I get up and walk around. FYI- A baby bump can really trip you up when wandering a ginormous bed at night, so be careful.

I'm not going to lie; the bed is so large that at night, sometimes I get lost on the thing. Just last night I had to get up to use the restroom and spent like ten minutes searching for the edge of the bed in the dark. This has happened to me on multiple occasions and my wives, too. Actually, my pregnant wives are the ones who first told me about not being able to navigate their way off the bed in the dark, because they have to get up to pee so often, and I didn't believe them until it happened to me. I am seriously considering wearing adult diapers to bed now. Go ahead and invest in some adult diapers for the first month or so you sleep in the bed. It's hard to appreciate its enormity until you experience it first hand. I would be rolling and rolling, crawling, and even walking, but still couldn't manage find the edge to get off the bed.

Since we had so much trouble getting off the bed at night we devised a plan so one would be able to find their way off without difficulty. You may want to try this as well. It's the same course-plotting principle used in cave diving; we have a string or rope that we lay on the bed that is used as a guide to the perimeter. It's been working so far, at least if you are near the edge to begin with. Sometimes you are just too tired to keep going if you're deeper in. Thankfully, you are on a bed so you can just lie down and fall asleep if you get exhausted.

To conclude, if you have multiple wives, like me, you will love this bed. There is lots of space, absolutely excessive amounts of room, and it's very lush and comfortable. This bed gives me the option of expanding my wife count, something other beds just do not offer. No more musical beds for me, just one giant one.

Link to the review on Amazon

(Comment on Amazon)
David Beaty says:

Very humorous. I hope you are kidding! You never know these days! But then, I'm gullible when it comes to jokes. In any case thanks for the laugh.     

(The Reply)

Hugh Jass says:

I hope you're kidding, David! Is there something wrong with being happily married to multiple women with whom I've had countless children? No! There certainly is not. Why I asked that question and subsequently answered it I don't know. The point is, there should be nothing funny about my review. I was simply recounting every aspect of the mattress and how it fit into my life to provide people like you an unbiased opinion of the product. Yet, you, and many others (only 4 of 23 people found the review helpful), didn't appreciate my effort. To say I'm displeased would be an understatement of Grand King mattress proportions. Nonetheless, I will supply an update for those who do value my evaluations.

Update: I'm very pleased with the Grand King. How pleased? (I'm about to answer my own question again). I've since purchased two more of these mattresses, and still have wives who must sleep on the floor. Yes, it's that good. Albeit, I've decided to have a Grand King for my solitary use, in my own personal bedroom. The thing is, I need, at the very least, ten or more hours of sleep. And when half of my wives get up at 4:30 a.m. for work and the other half work a night shift at the old Lee Perkins Lead Casting & Chemical Testing factory (my wives [and the kids, too] pretty much run that entire plant), it's impossible to achieve that sleep quota. Otherwise I'm drowsy and barely feel aware enough properly watch Steve Wilkos at noon, and I never, ever miss Steve; the man could make himself cry he is so callous. What I mean by that is, if he shouted at himself in the mirror, he would have a hard time controlling his emotions, and probably his bladder as well. I know I've pissed myself several times seeing him throw chairs and shout in people's faces. But yes, the mattress is excellent. Could not ask for more...or maybe I'm the last person on Earth who should be saying that, considering I have so many wives they can't fit on TWO Grand Kings. However, that's besides the point. I love the Grand King. I would marry it if I could, which I checked, and I cannot marry it. I'd probably marry it even if I didn't love it that much, kind of like what I did with my wife Betty. Don't worry, she'll never read this. The wives don't even have access to newspapers, much less the world wide web.

I hope this update shed some insight into what it's like to own a product as splendid as the Grand King.          


(Another comment on the review)

Anonymous says:

Wow, how long did it take you to write this stupid review? Pretty pathetic - maybe you could have done something useful with your time...

(Reply)

Hugh Jass says:

I did, and your wife is happy now

(Comment on review)

It's amusing to think a man would ever have multiple wives, consider they can hardly even get one off before passing out snoring and farting.

I like humor. Funny humor. Not frat-boy haha-misogyny-is-so-funny humor. look up misogyny on dictionary.com, that whirring sound is my humor going way over your giant skull.

(Reply)

I-like-humor-too-Morgaine. Not any kind of humor, but funny humor, just like you. Thank you for the criticism. And I agree, sometimes humor is misogynistic (more like miss-o(b)gyn-istic, get it?!) in an unfunny way. Taking your advice, I looked up misogyny (well, I had a wife do it for me), but on Wikipedia. (You should have told me to go to dicktionary.com...because you probably think I'm a dick). After figuring out what it meant, I decided to edit the page. Seems like misogyny is a word that has a lot of negative connotations, especially for someone like me, who has so many wives he had numbers tattooed on their arms so he can keep track of them. So I'm just doing my part to take the bad parts out of that Wikipedia page, and maybe more people who look up misogyny won't think misogynists are so terrible. In any event, I think you may not be appreciating the roof your husband put over your head. Now that was misogynistic. I apologize. Morgaine, you're right, maybe I am a little misogynistic, buying big comfy beds so my wives don't have to sleep on the floor. (Update: the grand king is an awesome mattress, still very pleased with the purchase). However, there's no denying that I love women, I love many women in many different ways, and that's not a joke about my sex life.          

Types of Bumper Stickers and Their Respective Owners

You want the world to know something about you, something often ostentatious, so you promote that something…with a sticker…on your bumper.

• Political bumper stickers:

• Radical choice – You’re probably a partisan pothead: “Legalize It”; worship Glenn Beck: “Obama Is Hitler”; or otherwise have odd, but strong convictions: “People Against Zombies” or "Palin for Imperial Leader." 

• Local politician – Nobody knows who that person is or cares, except you; you’re probably related to them and were pressured into putting the sticker on your vehicle.

• My party won (and is better) - You still have a Bush/Cheney sticker on your SUV and/or the mast of your sailboat.

• My party lost (but should have won) – You’re still proudly parading Gore/Lieberman 2000 around town and regularly wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “Recount!”

• My kid’s an honor student - “Wow, I’m impressed. Good for them and their high achieving child” –Not one person, ever.

• Prestigious University- Ivy League, good for you…gooooood for you. And I see that you are driving a BMW. You are certainly doing well. You must’ve majored in Conceited Studies.

• Humorous- “Shit happens”- this is OK.

• Radio station- You still listen to the radio? Why would you put a sticker on your car to let everyone know?

• Bank- Did you really put a bank bumper sticker on your car? Even people who work at that bank don’t do that.

• Religious- Translation: “I go to church every Sunday and even some other days of the week, too. I’m virtuously better than you or at least that’s what I want people to think about me. Do you think I go to church because I like it!?”

• Sports team- Translation: “On weekends I’m very busy, often multi-tasking: watching TV, drinking beer, eating nachos and shouting at a luminous box.”

• Cartoon pissing on Ford/Chevy- This sticker doesn't upset the Ford or Chevy owners as much as it does geriatrics with prostate issues who have trouble urinating.

• I'm an advocate- You eat meat and shoot things or don’t like people who eat meat and shoot things.

• American flag- Translation: “Everyone take notice of my patriotism; I bought this at the gas station. No it wasn’t made in China. It was made in the Philippines. There’s a difference!”

• Confederate flag- Translation: “I’m tolerant.” You probably live in San Francisco and drive a Prius.

Review: Justin Bieber Limited Edition 3D Glasses

Let me start off by saying that I'm a belieber! 100%! Justin truly is amazing and an inspiration to all. Even my granny loves him. At first she thought Biebs was a girl, but she did think she/he was talented. I told Granny his name is Justin, it's a boy, silly. I live in my granny's basement and that's how she came to know Justin and his songs. I took her to see Never Say Never ten times; out of the 27 1/2 times I went to see the movie; which was so motivating and powerful, loved it. The 1/2 is due to me having to go to the bathroom (a serious turd attack), there was no way I could hold it in. The rest of the times I went to see the movie I just wore adult diapers so I wouldn't have to get up anymore. Even though I had seen the movie 15 times at that point, I just liked it so much, there was no way I was going to miss any Bieberness on an enormous movie theater screen. No way. The glasses are awesome, I wore them to all 27 1/2 viewings, even when I saw the movie and it wasn't showing in 3D. I wear the glasses most everyday, even to work and they are the absolutely wonderful. People compliment me all the time on my snazzy purple glasses.

Justin took out the lenses in his glasses, but I kept them in because I think it looks cool. Plus, you see things in like another dimension, pretty much. Everything looks like it is coming right at you. I was buying a Snickers bar at a convenience store and when the cashier went to hand me the change I accidentally smacked it out of his hand because I thought he was going to hit me in the face. This happened a few more times before I realized it was the glasses that were making me think that things were going to hit me in the face. I was banned from a store because I got in an argument with a cashier after accusing him of trying to hit me with a fistful of change. 



I don't care how much trouble these Bieber glasses get me in. I love them. They bring me that much closer to Justin. My boss does not like me wearing them at work; when I am making sandwiches at Subway. My boss will shout, "Justin, you need to take those stupid glasses off and stop singing! You are 42 years old!" I legally changed my name to Justin, if you were wondering. I just flick my hair in disagreeance at him (I got the Bieber cut), and he usually leaves me alone after that. He also doesn't like that I recite Justin Bieber lyrics all day. "Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooohh." Sometimes I will sing Baby like all day at work with my iPod earbuds in and just shouting the lyrics. A customer might say, "Turkey, blah, blah, blah, no Mayo." And I'm all like, "...Baby, OOOHH! Here's your Meatball Sub." They're all like, "What are you doing? I didn't order this!" I'm all like, "Whoa, don't point when I gotz 3D Bieber glasses on, bozo!" Then they say, "What the hell is wrong with you? I wanna talk to a manager!" Then I say, "This justin: you're not a belieber!" And I smash a bunch of lettuce in their face. Now I don't work at Subway anymore. Their loss, IMHO. No biggie, now I just have more time to be with Bieber. 

The glasses are rockin'. I'll even sleep with them on sometimes (don't tell my granny). I once paid a bunch of kids to chase me down the street shouting "Justin! Justin!" when I was dressed up as Bieber (which is pretty much all the time! lol). Soooooo much fun. I'm not going to lie, if I walk past a mirror and glance at myself real quick I have to look twice because I think it's actually Justin. LOLZ! The glasses are especially good when seeing Never Say Never. You feel like Justin is in there with you! Which by now, I have seen 31 times. You're an inspiration Justin!!! Just remember to not wear the glasses in public unless you are prepared to think you have things coming at your face all the time. Buy these glasses, go see Bieb on the big-screen, buy his music and if you really love him you will move to Canada where Justin was born. I am moving soon, well, as soon as I get another job and can afford to move. My eyes are hurting me for some reason, I think from typing so much with these glasses. Bai Guyz! Buy these glasses and go see the movie!


Link to Amazon review 

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.

Craigslist Craziness: TV Want Ad

This is a real Craigslist want ad for a free television [Location, names and other sensitive info has been changed], below is the correspondence of the e-mail exchange and events that took place between the wanted ad inquirer and Greathouse of Humor (GoH):

Want a free tv 36 inch or bigger (Freeville)

Do you have a tv that works but don’t want it anymore that is 36 inch or bigger but don’t want it anymore my husband will pick it can’t afford to buy a new or use tv right now but can hardly see the face on my 20 inch and can’t afford new glasses right now. Thanks

GoH replies:
Hi, saw your want ad and think I can help. My 52” Samsung (see attached picture)is too small for my new entertainment center and I have no room for it elsewhere or I would keep it. Where in Freeville do you live? I’ll have my son drop it off.
Thanks,
Jason

Free TV Wanter:
Yes that would be great I would love to have the tv I am home all day drop it off at any time my address is [address deleted]. Thank you very much
Sheila

GoH:
Okay, Sheila, I will have my son drop the TV off tomorrow afternoon, around 3, at your residence. Is that a good time for you? Do you need him to help bringing it into your house?

-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
Yah 3 is good if your son could help my husband bringing it in that would be helpful because I can’t probably lift it. thanks Sheila

[One day goes by]

Free TV Wanter:
Jason I don’t think your son came by I was home all day and didn’t hear anyone knock or anything what happened. Sheila

GoH:
I am so sorry Sheila, my son dropped off the TV at the wrong house, must’ve written the wrong address down. Here’s where he said he dropped it off at: [address near her house]. You can try getting it back, just let them know what happened. We are very busy and I would get it myself but there is a family emergency. Let me know what happens.

-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
I went to the place you said and it’s a 7-11 store I think your son is lieing or sold the tv or something you need to figure out what he did with the tv.

GoH:
You were right Sheila, my son tried to sell the TV to a friend but I have it back now. This is a very stressful time for the family and me; I cannot believe he did this. I am so sorry. I have the TV and he promises to deliver it to you, properly, this time. Expect him to come by around 10, tomorrow morning, if that’s good for you.
Thanks,
Jason

Free TV Wanter:
Ok that is good .Sheila

[52” TV box is dropped off at residence filled with rocks to simulate weight of TV, knocked on door at 5AM and took off]

Free TV Wanter:
I got scared and woked up cause someone bangged on my door so early and my husband was working so I see it’s the tv I hurt my back bringing it up my steps cause I didn’t want to leave it outside someone could steel it and I open it and it’s full of rocks no tv! Your son is a little [expletive] wht the hell is going on and I want that tv already find where it is and I will come and get it please. Sheila

GoH:
I’m so, so sorry for what happened. I cannot express to you how disappointed I am with my son, Sheila. His vehicle has been taken away from him and he is undoubtedly grounded for a week, except for Saturday because he has a Creed concert to go to, but he is in serious trouble. Unfortunately, I am very busy with work and the family emergency; otherwise I would personally deliver the TV, but I will have to have my son deliver it to you again. I want him to go over to your house, deliver the TV, set it up and apologize to you. I’m also going to give you a DVD player that my son purchased with his own money. I know you just want to be able to enjoy watching TV on a bigger screen. Please let me know how things go.
-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
I geuss that is ok, just make sure there is no trouble or I am done with all this [expletive]. Sheila

[Later the next day]

Free TV Wanter:
What the [expletive] your piece of [expletives deleted] son came and screwed us over!! Your son came and apologized and put the tv up and everything together and left and then after the cops came to my house and said my car licenses plates was seen leaving a burglary with a tv and then your son showed up and identified me and my husband and said was his tv! I was in a cop car for an hour with neighbors waching and your son finally decided to not press charges and he took the TV and everything back and left and I go back inside and my tv is broked on the floor!!! that little piece of [expletives deleted]!!! [expletive] you and your [expletive] son you [expletives deleted]!!!!

GoH:
OMG! I am so sorry about all of this, Sheila. I was wondering what happened when my son came back saying you didn’t want the TV. It’s in wonderful condition and the picture is crystal clear; looking into my house, from my backyard, I was able to read the ESPN ticker no problem. Then I get your email and see what has really happened. My son will be grounded for another business week, five days, he is still allowed to go the the Creed concert, but I told him he is restricted from waiving his glowing iPhone screen when everyone in the crowd does and cannot sing along to any of the good songs, which really, none of them are good, so there will be no singing. I think it’s best we part ways and forget this ever happened. Sorry again about this whole ordeal.
-Jason

Free TV Wanter:
You are a real [expletive] you and your son I would sue you if I had money to. Go [expletive] yourself [expletive]!!!!!!!

[No further correspondence in this email thread]

[Surprisingly, the TV want ad is not taken down, so GoH sends another email from a different email address]

GoH alternative reply:
I would love to have your old 20” TV. My 10” black and white is getting old and it’s hard to see without sitting right in front of it or using binoculars from the couch. Since you are going to get another TV, a much bigger one, can I come and get your 20” TV? When is a good time to come pick it up or check it out?

Thank you,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
NO the tv is broke if you don’t have a TV to give then do not email me please

GoH:
What is with the attitude? Have you tried plugging the TV in? That could be the problem. What is your address? I can come pick it up.
Thanks,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
The tv is smashed ok! It don’t matter if it plugged in you idiot you can’t have it or fix it please stop your bothering me

GoH:
I saw your want ad and was going to do a good deed and surprise you with a new 40” flatscreen TV when I came to your house to “look” at your old TV. What is your address? I will come by and drop off the TV tomorrow.

Thank you,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
Are you serius cause I don’t want to be screwed wit?

GoH:
Yeeaah, I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the TV. Please just let me come over and take a quick look at the TV, I know I could fix it. I cannot stop thinking about your TV. I don’t care if it’s broken, I just know I'd be able to make it work. How about I just drop by, I’ll bring a 12-pack of beer and you let me see the TV from across the room. Sound good?

Thank you,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
Ok Frederic, if you bring the beer you can come see the tv my address is [address censored] so just come by tomorrow at 6 and have the beer only then you can come in.

GoH:
That sounds excellent, I will definitely be there tomorrow with the beer, lolz, I will bring it, I promise. Thank you very much.

[The next day at 5:55PM]

GoH:
Hey, I changed my mind, not going to come see the TV. I drank the 12-pack and am not feeling good. I wondered what beer tasted like so I drank all of these O’Doul’s. Beer tastes terrible FYI, I don’t know why I drank all of them, I feel soooooo drunk right now. Plus, my mom had to take my little sister to soccer and couldn’t bring me to see the TV. How about tomorrow? I will come by with another 12-pack of O’Doul’s.
Thanks,
Frederic

Free TV Wanter:
[Expletive] off kid!

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: The Super Bowl of "Investing"

Editor’s note: This is a guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews. Jeffrey does some accounting and financial related work for GoH. After bugging us to let him write an article about investment advice, we finally gave in and let him write something up. He purportedly has spot-on, yet eccentric, advice on investing and finance. 

Hello readers of this excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor. The editors at Greathouse of Humor have kindly allowed me to write an investment advice article. I’ve been doing this investment thing for a long time and have been very, very successful. I now own, outright, a recreational vehicle that I currently live in, because I like to travel, now that I am semi-retired at the age of 48.

In this article I am going to reveal some of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies. I was told to keep things relevant, but that is not a problem for me, my procedures thrive on relevancy. Most every stock I buy is a consequence of current events.

The American male’s holiday of manliness is upon us, the Super Bowl. I find it’s an excellent opportunity to invest. The first thing I do is buy a bunch tabloids, watch TMZ and keep a close eye on famous peoples’ Tweets. Why? People of influence drive the economy. Are the Octomom’s kids dressed in Packers apparel? Is Owen Wilson wearing Steelers wrist-sweatbands? Did Wilmer Valderama tweet that he loves the Steelers? These are all things that lead to lots of sales and act as guide for where to invest.

Through extensive research I discovered that Nike is the apparel brand behind these teams. If I go online and see that TMZ’s video of the Octomom’s kids in Packers apparel (made by Nike) has been viewed by 5,000 people, then it’s utterly apparent that most Americans will be buying this for their kids. Same thing if Wilmer Valderama had a Steelers hat on that was shown on TMZ. This means that you should be buying Nike stock, because it is about to skyrocket. For every 1,000 views a prominent video from a celebrity like this gets, I purchase 500 shares (that’s a ratio of 27 ¼: π) of that company’s stock.

Next, the most important step of all, watching the Super Bowl commercials. Funniness of a commercial is directly correlated to sales. Rule of thumb: the amount of time you laugh equates to the number of shares that should be bought. If I am laughing for the entire duration of the commercial I will undoubtedly buy at least $3500 worth of shares for whatever product that commercial is advertising. That night and the next day when those commercials show up on YouTube is when I get a good chance to watch them.

Here is how I gauge how many shares to purchase after watching these commercials on YouTube: watch a video twice and still laugh equals 250 shares, watch five times and still laughing is 500 shares, pee my pants laughing (even just a little) after ten views equals 3,000 shares, neighbors call the police due to unremitting screaming (my laughter) I will generally buy a minimum of 10,000 shares and hold the stock for six months.

An alternative investment option is direct procurement. I choose one commercial every year that I really like and buy up a bunch of that product to put into storage and sell down the line after it has accrued tremendous value and demand is high in the collector’s market. For example, I have a storage unit absolutely jam packed full of Doritos. Not only are Doritos delicious and their Super Bowl ads hilarious, but the bags of chips with Super Bowl related content on the packaging will be worth an absolute fortune to sports memorabilia and food collectors alike. Wise investors buy Doritos, just make sure to get a climate controlled storage unit as not to spoil the chips.

On a side note, you can buy other products as well. One year I bought a car, I think it's a Hyundai, based on a stunning commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. It’s now in a storage unit, I’m just waiting for the right time to put it on market as “the car that was advertised in a Super Bowl commercial.”

My tips are guaranteed money-making investments. I hope I helped people with my investment and financial advice. Please post any questions in the comments.

Review: Honey Bunches of Oats

Yesterday I was in the supermarket and couldn’t decide between corn flakes, frosted flakes, a cereal with almonds or one with crunchy clusters...so I just stood there...standing (yes, I stood there, standing)...irresolute...vacillating with uncertainty. Partly because I had no idea how I got in the store (it was because I took an Ambien), but for the most part because I was having a hell of a time deciding which cereal to buy.

I would reach out to grab a box and then stop halfway. A box would find its way into my cart and I would immediately put it back. At one point I even had four different types of cereal in my cart. “No way I’m buying all these different cereals. There’s just no way.” While I’m saying this to myself, the stockboy is staring at me. “Why did I ever decide to come in here with a robe on and slippers today?” I thought to myself. My attire had undermined any wisp of non-creepiness I had when I entered the store. Time was not on my side, a choice had to be made.

A crowd was starting to form. People were taking bets on what choice I was going to make. Okay, maybe that didn’t really happen; I mistook the crowd for a mom with a bunch of kids that I saw from the corner of my eye. Nonetheless, I had to get home. I was hungry. I decided to just close my eyes and grab a box. After spinning around several times, I stuck my arm out and grabbed what felt like a big bag of marshmallows; it was an elderly woman’s buttocks. She had apparently bent over in front of me to pick up a penny. I quickly tried to explain it was an honest mistake, however, she struck me with her purse before I could finish my explanation and take my hand off her bottom. Luckily, she hurried off soon after. 

This was beginning to become a disaster. I needed cereal and I needed it fast. My neck was cranked, after the purse smack, to an area of the aisle I wasn’t looking at before, and then I saw it: Honey Bunches of Oats. It had everything I was looking for in a cereal: the corn flakes, frosted flakes, almonds, crunchy clusters, and even some stuff I wasn’t looking for, like granola oat things (which look like they are perfectly sized to block an unsuspecting windpipe). But most importantly, the cereal denotes healthiness, while it’s actually not really all that healthy. I like that. Looks good in the pantry if someone sees it, but doesn’t taste like wood chips. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in a cereal? Unfortunately, before I could pick up a box the manager told me to leave.

Long story short, I went home and bought this multi-pack on Amazon. It tastes like no cereal I have ever had before. And you know me, (edit: you probably don’t), I’ve had a lot of cereal. If you are on the fence about trying this cereal, don’t be. I think it was well worth the inadvertent old woman butt squeeze and getting banned from the store. But that’s just me.

Lessons I learned:

Honey Bunches of Oats is awesome.

Going into the real world is overrated. Especially when MTV has a show called The Real World, which I can watch from the comfort of my own home. And let me tell ya, when people start getting real, it gets real, really quick. That’s the slogan for the show, if you didn’t know.

Buying food online is fun!

Don’t take Ambien. Ever.

Link to the review on Amazon

Fight Funnies: Day In the Life of Clay Guida

Great Vacuum Sealer...or Greatest Vacuum Sealer (for organs)

As a hospital mortuary technician, I have tried probably every trick in the book to try and properly store various appendages and organs, with no success in finding a method of near 100% preservation, post-thaw. Either for research purposes, autopsies, evidence, verification, substantiation purposes or otherwise; samples selected for testing and/or specimen analysis must be properly maintained to uphold organic composition. Basically, if someone's suspected of being poisoned, suspiciously found dead, murdered, and so on, certain body parts are harvested, and must be stored, sometimes for extended durations and defrosted later on to be tested. Sometimes it's just for med students that get some homeless Joe's liver to poke and prod for "educational purposes." Which let me tell you, is overrated. The job seems morbid, but we do have fun, and even joke around a bit. For instance, we might pick up a finger and point to someone and say "This guy isn't looking too well, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

Anyways, I came across the vacuum packer one night while watching infomercials. The host guaranteed your meat would stay fresh for a year in this vacuum-sealed bag. I thought, wow, we keep organs in the fridge sometimes just laying on cookie sheets, and they surprisingly don't last a month without early stages of seepage; this vacuum bag could really help. And it does. We've had stuff in the freezers, which would usually be freezer burned, so long in these vacuum bags we don't even know what it is anymore. Helpful hint: label those bags, and put a date on there too. It's easy to forget after a few years where you stuffed that one specific spleen, especially if it's in a containment unit that's overflowing with them.

For what reason I was never trained in the use of vacuum packing internals/segments and nobody else in the profession employs the use of a vacuum packer, I will never know. Its preservation capabilities are truly sensational. It might sound like I'm describing a meal at a fancy restaurant, but I was really impressed. I can pack like four hearts per bag, which you're not supposed to do, because of convoluted contamination practices, but how else are you going to determine a bag's storage capacity for say, hearts. Voluminous measurements for organs certainly aren't specified on the side of the bag. So I felt like a pioneer, in a way. PM me if anyone wants to know info for any other organs. No inquiries from psychopathic killers though...well, maybe if you ask nice.

I'll admit, for Halloween I did bring some of these baggies (yes, with organs) home...just to scare some kids. And really, you don't even need a freezer when transporting a vacuum-sealed bag. Nothing to worry about, since the vacuum packing helps keep the contents stable longer. At least I think that's what I read in the manual, I haven't had any issues with the tissues. I almost had a buddy try and eat a lung I brought home. He thought it was a steak, had the pan all heated up and everything. I caught him right before he was about to toss it in. Although, I'm sure if he did eat it, he would say, "Wow, I'm amazed at how this bag preserves the freshness of this meat... meat which is unidentifiable, yet delicious." Don't worry, I wiped off all the seasonings he put on it.

Some reviewers complained the machine is loud. It is a little loud, however, I wouldn't say it's loud enough to wake the dead. No complaints from my clients.

The sealing process is seamless. Literally. And it better be, can't have any of the stuff I'm packing leaking onto my lunch when we have to store this stuff in the fridge. Sometimes the freezers get full, what are you gonna do. Do pay attention when sealing these bags. Why? It uses heat. I may or may not have accidentally "cooked" some contents that were too tightly packed, that got pressed up against the heat seal element. Mistakes are easy to hide, stuff gets lost frequently and without difficulty around here.

The process of sealing is easy. Slide the open end of the bag under the sealer thing and hit the button, remember not to cook the meat inside, watch the patented Seal-A-Spleen system work its magic, let the overflow catch all the biohazardous juices, spray with Febreeze to clean, and you are done. Oh, and take it from someone who has learned the hard way; don't forget to toss that sealed bag in the freezer. Otherwise, you've wasted a vacuum bag, and they aren't cheap.

Overall, the vacuum sealer is priced right for such a quality product that can really handle some heavy usage. I hope my review helped some people with their purchase decision and that maybe some mortuary techs will read this and start using the vacuum sealer to get the longest shelf life possible for the unusual stuff we need to store.


The Amazon Review 

Constipated Man Eager to Finish Book

All 47 year-old Minneapolis resident, Bill Haste, wanted to do was finish reading The Davinci Code; a book that he had been unhurriedly reading for over two years whilst sitting on the toilet. With only 15 pages left, Mr. Haste was one decent discharge away from completion. Then, the unthinkable happened: Bill Haste couldn’t poop. “I can’t describe how disappointed I am with my inability to take a dump,” Mr. Haste passionately expressed. Bill was fervent to finish the book, only to have an act of God, in the form of intestinal impediment, present itself at the absolute worst time.

“It’s the principal of the thing,” says Bill, “I have been slowly chipping away at this book for so long that to even think of reading it while not on the toilet, just doesn’t make sense at this point.” Bill’s commitment to toilet-reading has conditioned him to only want to read in that particular environment. His bowel barricade is blocking more than his internals, but his reading habits as well.

Nearing a week in duration, the defecation difficulty is starting to take its toll on Bill’s psyche. “I try not to let the issue clog my mind, but I can’t even count how many different things I’ve tried to rectify...my rectum. I can't work it out, absolutely nothing is helping.” His list of hole-hindrance remedies includes: incessantly munching on chocolate laxatives, walking his dog so he can watch it poop, looked at (but did not read) the children’s book Everyone Poops, introduced his butt to countless enema and even consumed some questionable clam chowder.

One who analyzes the situation might think that with an extended o-ring obstruction, as in Bill’s case, there would be even more time spent on the toilet trying to break the defecation dam. Jeff counters, “My constipation has reached the point where I have no urges whatsoever to unload, it’s been nearly a week, so I stopped attempting altogether.” Bill is most certainly no quitter, but he’s also certainly no shitter.

 

At this point it is unknown when Bill will crack the constipation code. If there is one thing we do know, it’s that when it comes time for Bill to face the feces, he will do it book in-hand. Here’s hoping we can soon say “Haste makes waste.”

Editor's note: If you were wondering, yes, this entire shitty article was written so that one joke could be made at the end (more like rear end...okay, that's enough).

Guest Editorial: Fat American Pigdog Parents Ruin Their Children

Greathouse of Humor got a lot of responses to yesterday's article about the American Idol parents, this one in particular stood out to us.

Recently, I read article on this site about two bourgeoisie parents supporting their offspring in fruitless endeavor that accomplish nothing but stripping needed resource from rest of society. One parent even said, “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer.” This perfectly highlights spineless, greedy way fat American parent decide to raise their offspring. Why are you letting this child have choice in what they do when they reach adulthood? I had three children, and within two weeks of being born I assign them career which they would be trained in for next 18-20 years. Do you think Han, my glorious first-born son wanted to be doctor when he was four? I tell him, “Look little rat, you do this or I take away abacus.” Then he start learning periodic table, along with rigorous course in Latin and algebra.

The weakling parents in the article “supported” their child to the point of taking acting lessons to act surprise when child’s unrealistic aspirations come crashing down. Why? So the ungrateful, lazy offspring wouldn’t cry? True support for your child is to be strong, unyielding foundation of rock that forces your child to do what best for them. When Han used to cry into his pillow late in night, because of sheer exhaustion from eight hour academic lesson after school or hunger pangs from having his dinner withheld due to poor performance in partial fraction decomposition, I was there latching deadbolt on bedroom door every night.

I remember one day when Han told me that he wanted to go outside and play decadent American football with some capitalist progeny instead of learning how plot in three dimension. Lazy parents would let this travesty occur, with silly excuse of “free time” or “socialization.” Typical American, this is wrong kind of socialism! After I said no and Han asked me second time I slap him across the face and told him his insolence shame entire family and he was treasonous snake, roughly translated. Only after I threaten to unfriend him on Facebook, leaving him friendless, he go back to graphing. Western parents probably find this treatment harsh, but this is because you treat children as weaklings, like you are. If you treat them like strong people, they will become strong people.

While the child in the American Idol article is still living with parent and will continue to be failure in life, my Han is successful heart surgeon making millions every year from fat America. I now live with him in gigantic house, surrounded by decadence only America could come up with. Let your children lay on couch drinking soda, eating your big macs and watching Jersey Shore. My people thank you for it.


-Superior Chinese Mother