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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

First-Class with Mr. Grandiose

I am Mr. Grandiose. Wealthy, affluent, well-heeled, rolling in it, loaded and so on and so forth; these are just some of the words I use to illustrate my economic abundance. I possess innumerable luxury automobiles, a countless number of estates that dot the globe and other worldly chattels as a result of my fortunes. I have a chief servant, James, whom is ceaselessly by my side, heeding to my every command and demand. Every person I have ever met and ever will meet is extraordinarily impressed just by my presence, not to mention my astonishing assets, so I am writing this article to bequeath some insights on what it’s like to live the superior life.

Yesterday, I was cruising the local waterways on my mega-yacht, the Noble Phallus, allowing the area natives to view my inspiring vessel in admiration, when I slipped on the daybreak-dew-drenched deck while promenading to the bow for my morning shouting of, “I’m the KING OF THE WORLD.” Thankfully, I survived with only minor injury, a bruised buttocks, which I had James briskly massage for several hours in the nude. (He was nude; I had a towel on.) I have subsequently fired a majority of the crew for allowing such a blunder. Those certain crewmembers were promptly tossed overboard several miles out at sea; wherein a majority was recovered by my fleet of helicopters, only to be airlifted to my tropical island game reserve where I will hunt them as a leisurely pursuit. Tennis gets boring. ‘Tis nothing any of my employees were not aware of; as game reserve hunting is an express termination condition listed in each contract for anyone who works in one of my enterprises.

Nevertheless, I soon recognized that I needed to make a better non-slip yacht shoe; one that produces so much friction that I could walk up the side of one of my buildings with it. So naturally, I decided to forcefully acquire Sperry Top Sider, makers of the original, nautically inspired, non-slip boat shoes. 

“Forget nautically inspired, it’s Grandiose inspired from now on!” I graciously introduced myself to the remaining staff at Sperry. There was a compromise of sorts; Sperry agreed to design their shoe line after the Noble Phallus, my mega-yacht (as if you didn’t know that already). The shoe upper is comprised of ultra-rare dwarf-albino-salamander scrotum. Each pair of shoes derives 75 of these creatures’ scrotums.

Why did the design team choose such an organism? It was clearly inspired from my yacht upholstery, which is entirely albino-Sperm whale scrotum lined (no correlation to Melville’s Moby Dick). The sole of the magnificent shoe consists entirely of cured and specially treated, Indian elephant ass; because it is widely regarded as the supreme moisture wicking hide in the animal kingdom. I chose the ass due to the fact that it denotes power, provocative musculature, and dominance. With our special treatment, which is fundamentally a durable paste (sea turtle egg whites, panda corneas and other exceptional ingredients) applied to the elephant-ass-sole, I can literally walk out onto the wing of my private jet, mid-flight, without a care in the world. In fact, you should see me in a Sperry commercial soon walking on the wing of my private jet cruising at 500 mph, with James sitting in the nude on my shoulders, advertising the Grandiose edition of Sperry Top Siders. Suck it Branson! If you need to know the price, you can’t afford it.

I’ve since sold Sperry to a group of eager investors at substantial gain. The boat shoe market will never be the same with the innovations I brought to the industry with my Grandiose edition shoes. In addition, I have developed farming methods to mass-produce, therein saving, the dwarf-albino salamander from extinction. As for the Indian elephant ass-soles, lets just say there are quite a few assless elephants roaming the jungles. It’s possible to harvest the ass flesh of the Indian elephant because it naturally reproduces: a sustainable process. In the animal hide business, it’s customary to refer to the rear of the animal as the ass. Don’t think for one moment my usage of ass is crass.

In summary, I am back to my routine of shouting at daybreak on the bow of Noble Phallus. No slips since, (well, not counting James’ nip-slips, LOL) which is not surprising considering I designed and created the shoe. If not for gravity, I assure you I would be able to walk up a wall. I’m certain of that. James, my chief servant, is calling me to the heated indoor Olympic-sized and VOSS artesian water from Norway filled pool on my yacht. I require James to test the water with his reproductive organs to gauge if the temperature is to my standards. I must go and assist with the testing. Until next time, who knows where I will be, however I can guarantee that wherever I am and whatever I am doing, it will be extraordinarily excellent.

Variation of this article as a Sperry shoe review

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