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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Review: Grand King Mattress- Plenty of Room for Me and All Five of My Wives

No more complaints from my wives. Before I had the Grand King there was a complicated rotation schedule that they hated. Some slept in bed with me, and the others had to be on the floor in sleeping bags. Now, I have so much room with this new mattress that I am looking in to getting another wife. The last time I had this much room in bed I only had two wives! I have some prospects lined up at the moment; they are going through trial phases. I am keeping it a secret so I can surprise the wives with the potential new wife.

I'm not going to lie, I'm thinking of buying another one of these Grand Kings so I can REALLY boost the wife count. Sleeping arrangements can be a real hindrance; the wives always complaining they "don't like sleeping on the floor." The kids certainly don't mind it.

I have 23 children. Most of them just sleep on the couch, under the kitchen table or in the tree fort. You can only sleep so many people on two double size beds. The house is carpeted so the floor is like a giant bed anyways, if you ask me. What we really need here at the house is a Grand King toilet. Someone's always holding up the bathroom. My solution was to dig a trench in the yard for emergency internal relief, which is quite often when you only have one bathroom and a large number of people. The trough was quickly overrun; I should have drained off the refuse into the neighbors' yard seeing as how they nitpicked so much about it. I was surprised with how quickly it filled up, considering the trough was in the front yard, nobody in the house seemed to have any hold ups with using it...unless they were constipated. Now that I think about it, the neighbors were probably right to complain, it actually did stink pretty terribly, not to mention having to watch us defecate in a trough. This one neighbor kid, I think his name is Adam, would always lose his basketball in our yard because we live at the bottom of a hill. Needless to say, it would drop into our honey hole almost every time. To my surprise, he never wanted the balls back.

But back to the Grand King; it's super comfortable. Because of the memory foam, my other wives say they barely notice when I am getting my "private time" with one of them, since all the wives fit on the bed now. So it's definitely a nice solid mattress. A good frame helps too. Please, do not skimp on the frame with such a majestic mattress.

I have a foot fetish, so a lot of the time I will sleep at my wives' feet. The Grand King affords me this option. You simply cannot do this with any other mattress.

With the new mattress came a new sleeping system. The wives came up with this after multiple sleeping arrangement disputes: an alarm wakes me up every couple of hours and I move my position, sleeping next to someone else. Let me tell you, we tried a similar system previously and I nixed it after not being able to fall asleep from having to wake up and move around, especially having to go sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I actually pretended to sleep with a wife on the floor most nights, just telling them in the morning, "Oh, you were warm last night," or something. They never knew the difference. With the Grand King, I fall asleep right away. It's that supple and soothing. Not only does this mattress allow me to fall sleep with such a complicated sleeping schedule, but it fits all of my wives in ONE BED. No more pretending to sleep on the floor. Just perpetuating that lie was tiresome in itself.

Instead of getting up and moving around I just have to roll around a bit. A few of my wives are pregnant; it's especially difficult to roll over them. On the rare occasion when rolling doesn't work, I get up and walk around. FYI- A baby bump can really trip you up when wandering a ginormous bed at night, so be careful.

I'm not going to lie; the bed is so large that at night, sometimes I get lost on the thing. Just last night I had to get up to use the restroom and spent like ten minutes searching for the edge of the bed in the dark. This has happened to me on multiple occasions and my wives, too. Actually, my pregnant wives are the ones who first told me about not being able to navigate their way off the bed in the dark, because they have to get up to pee so often, and I didn't believe them until it happened to me. I am seriously considering wearing adult diapers to bed now. Go ahead and invest in some adult diapers for the first month or so you sleep in the bed. It's hard to appreciate its enormity until you experience it first hand. I would be rolling and rolling, crawling, and even walking, but still couldn't manage find the edge to get off the bed.

Since we had so much trouble getting off the bed at night we devised a plan so one would be able to find their way off without difficulty. You may want to try this as well. It's the same course-plotting principle used in cave diving; we have a string or rope that we lay on the bed that is used as a guide to the perimeter. It's been working so far, at least if you are near the edge to begin with. Sometimes you are just too tired to keep going if you're deeper in. Thankfully, you are on a bed so you can just lie down and fall asleep if you get exhausted.

To conclude, if you have multiple wives, like me, you will love this bed. There is lots of space, absolutely excessive amounts of room, and it's very lush and comfortable. This bed gives me the option of expanding my wife count, something other beds just do not offer. No more musical beds for me, just one giant one.

Link to the review on Amazon

(Comment on Amazon)
David Beaty says:

Very humorous. I hope you are kidding! You never know these days! But then, I'm gullible when it comes to jokes. In any case thanks for the laugh.     

(The Reply)
Hugh Jass says:

I hope you're kidding, David! Is there something wrong with being happily married to multiple women with whom I've had countless children? No! There certainly is not. Why I asked that question and subsequently answered it I don't know. The point is, there should be nothing funny about my review. I was simply recounting every aspect of the mattress and how it fit into my life to provide people like you an unbiased opinion of the product. Yet, you, and many others (only 4 of 23 people found the review helpful), didn't appreciate my effort. To say I'm displeased would be an understatement of Grand King mattress proportions. Nonetheless, I will supply an update for those who do value my evaluations.

Update: I'm very pleased with the Grand King. How pleased? (I'm about to answer my own question again). I've since purchased two more of these mattresses, and still have wives who must sleep on the floor. Yes, it's that good. Albeit, I've decided to have a Grand King for my solitary use, in my own personal bedroom. The thing is, I need, at the very least, ten or more hours of sleep. And when half of my wives get up at 4:30 a.m. for work and the other half work a night shift at the old Lee Perkins Lead Casting & Chemical Testing factory (my wives [and the kids, too] pretty much run that entire plant), it's impossible to achieve that sleep quota. Otherwise I'm drowsy and barely feel aware enough properly watch Steve Wilkos at noon, and I never, ever miss Steve; the man could make himself cry he is so callous. What I mean by that is, if he shouted at himself in the mirror, he would have a hard time controlling his emotions, and probably his bladder as well. I know I've pissed myself several times seeing him throw chairs and shout in people's faces. But yes, the mattress is excellent. Could not ask for more...or maybe I'm the last person on Earth who should be saying that, considering I have so many wives they can't fit on TWO Grand Kings. However, that's besides the point. I love the Grand King. I would marry it if I could, which I checked, and I cannot marry it. I'd probably marry it even if I didn't love it that much, kind of like what I did with my wife Betty. Don't worry, she'll never read this. The wives don't even have access to newspapers, much less the world wide web.

I hope this update shed some insight into what it's like to own a product as splendid as the Grand King.          

(Another comment on the review)

Anonymous says:

Wow, how long did it take you to write this stupid review? Pretty pathetic - maybe you could have done something useful with your time...

Hugh Jass says:

I did, and your wife is happy now

(Comment on review)

It's amusing to think a man would ever have multiple wives, consider they can hardly even get one off before passing out snoring and farting.

I like humor. Funny humor. Not frat-boy haha-misogyny-is-so-funny humor. look up misogyny on, that whirring sound is my humor going way over your giant skull.


I-like-humor-too-Morgaine. Not any kind of humor, but funny humor, just like you. Thank you for the criticism. And I agree, sometimes humor is misogynistic (more like miss-o(b)gyn-istic, get it?!) in an unfunny way. Taking your advice, I looked up misogyny (well, I had a wife do it for me), but on Wikipedia. (You should have told me to go to you probably think I'm a dick). After figuring out what it meant, I decided to edit the page. Seems like misogyny is a word that has a lot of negative connotations, especially for someone like me, who has so many wives he had numbers tattooed on their arms so he can keep track of them. So I'm just doing my part to take the bad parts out of that Wikipedia page, and maybe more people who look up misogyny won't think misogynists are so terrible. In any event, I think you may not be appreciating the roof your husband put over your head. Now that was misogynistic. I apologize. Morgaine, you're right, maybe I am a little misogynistic, buying big comfy beds so my wives don't have to sleep on the floor. (Update: the grand king is an awesome mattress, still very pleased with the purchase). However, there's no denying that I love women, I love many women in many different ways, and that's not a joke about my sex life.          

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