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Monday, January 3, 2011

Area Man Unfortunately Survives Accident, Lifts Car Off Self

For years Nick Peterson disregarded use of any other machine or piece of workout equipment his gym had to offer, solely utilizing the bench press. Often shouting when entering the gym, "HEY, someone spot me!” was a common site at Flex Fitness of Indialantic, FL. Frequenting the facility twice per day, Peterson began developing his pectoral muscles to show off while wearing tight shirts. But in a strange twist of fate, his ballooned chest helped absorb the impact of a speeding automobile that struck him yesterday afternoon. His abnormally and enormously developed chest also enabling him to lift the vehicle, a 1992 Ford Taurus, off himself after a believed drunk driver jumped a curb, landing on top of Mr. Peterson.

A passerby who witnessed the accident and incredible feat of strength recalls the incident:
“I saw this car swerving and all of a sudden it jumped the curb, landing on top of some guy, before I could even get close to the accident the car began to almost levitate. I looked around and thought there was a crane or wires lifting it off the ground; then this guy got out from underneath it, told the driver to ‘be more careful next time’ and mentioned his chest may have bent the frame.” 
Paramedics on the scene that afternoon explained, “If this were to happen to any other person they would have most likely been seriously injured.” Another paramedic commented, “The only other person that comes to mind who could have possibly survived something like this is that stripper with breasts so large she can crush beer cans with’em, yeah, she probably could have survived the accident, but, there’s no way she could’ve lifted a car. That is freakish strength.”

It is now being reported that Peterson is being sued for damages caused to the supposed drunk drivers vehicle. The driver now claiming they were not intoxicated, rather, became so distracted by the outward expanse coming from Mr. Peterson’s chest, lost control of the vehicle. Peterson declined to meet at the scene of the accident claiming his chest is now too large, preventing him from wearing a seatbelt and does not want to drive or be transported without wearing one 'even though his pecs would probably act as airbags' should an accident happen. For fear of a similar accident occurring he cannot leave unless after dark. Now confined to his house, Mr. Peterson spends most of his time watching TV, mocking contestants of the World’s Strongest Man competition, and only leaving to pump out some reps on the bench press at the gym. Over the phone, Peterson explained he is in mediation with the drivers' attorney, offering to pay for some of the damages but can’t be singly responsible for someone with a pec fetish who can’t keep their eyes on the road. Asked if he has an attorney, Mr. Peterson snidely replied, “No, I let my chest do the talking.” By agreeing to be interviewed about the events, Mr. Peterson in turn requested that from now on it is essential he be referred to as “Buff McBuffman”.

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