Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: The Super Bowl of "Investing"

Editor’s note: This is a guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews. Jeffrey does some accounting and financial related work for GoH. After bugging us to let him write an article about investment advice, we finally gave in and let him write something up. He purportedly has spot-on, yet eccentric, advice on investing and finance. 

Hello readers of this excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor. The editors at Greathouse of Humor have kindly allowed me to write an investment advice article. I’ve been doing this investment thing for a long time and have been very, very successful. I now own, outright, a recreational vehicle that I currently live in, because I like to travel, now that I am semi-retired at the age of 48.

In this article I am going to reveal some of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies. I was told to keep things relevant, but that is not a problem for me, my procedures thrive on relevancy. Most every stock I buy is a consequence of current events.

The American male’s holiday of manliness is upon us, the Super Bowl. I find it’s an excellent opportunity to invest. The first thing I do is buy a bunch tabloids, watch TMZ and keep a close eye on famous peoples’ Tweets. Why? People of influence drive the economy. Are the Octomom’s kids dressed in Packers apparel? Is Owen Wilson wearing Steelers wrist-sweatbands? Did Wilmer Valderama tweet that he loves the Steelers? These are all things that lead to lots of sales and act as guide for where to invest.

Through extensive research I discovered that Nike is the apparel brand behind these teams. If I go online and see that TMZ’s video of the Octomom’s kids in Packers apparel (made by Nike) has been viewed by 5,000 people, then it’s utterly apparent that most Americans will be buying this for their kids. Same thing if Wilmer Valderama had a Steelers hat on that was shown on TMZ. This means that you should be buying Nike stock, because it is about to skyrocket. For every 1,000 views a prominent video from a celebrity like this gets, I purchase 500 shares (that’s a ratio of 27 ¼: π) of that company’s stock.

Next, the most important step of all, watching the Super Bowl commercials. Funniness of a commercial is directly correlated to sales. Rule of thumb: the amount of time you laugh equates to the number of shares that should be bought. If I am laughing for the entire duration of the commercial I will undoubtedly buy at least $3500 worth of shares for whatever product that commercial is advertising. That night and the next day when those commercials show up on YouTube is when I get a good chance to watch them.

Here is how I gauge how many shares to purchase after watching these commercials on YouTube: watch a video twice and still laugh equals 250 shares, watch five times and still laughing is 500 shares, pee my pants laughing (even just a little) after ten views equals 3,000 shares, neighbors call the police due to unremitting screaming (my laughter) I will generally buy a minimum of 10,000 shares and hold the stock for six months.

An alternative investment option is direct procurement. I choose one commercial every year that I really like and buy up a bunch of that product to put into storage and sell down the line after it has accrued tremendous value and demand is high in the collector’s market. For example, I have a storage unit absolutely jam packed full of Doritos. Not only are Doritos delicious and their Super Bowl ads hilarious, but the bags of chips with Super Bowl related content on the packaging will be worth an absolute fortune to sports memorabilia and food collectors alike. Wise investors buy Doritos, just make sure to get a climate controlled storage unit as not to spoil the chips.

On a side note, you can buy other products as well. One year I bought a car, I think it's a Hyundai, based on a stunning commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. It’s now in a storage unit, I’m just waiting for the right time to put it on market as “the car that was advertised in a Super Bowl commercial.”

My tips are guaranteed money-making investments. I hope I helped people with my investment and financial advice. Please post any questions in the comments.