First-Class with Mr. Grandiose

I am Mr. Grandiose. Wealthy, affluent, well-heeled, rolling in it, loaded and so on and so forth; these are just some of the words I use to illustrate my economic abundance. I possess innumerable luxury automobiles, a countless number of estates that dot the globe and other worldly chattels as a result of my fortunes. I have a chief servant, James, whom is ceaselessly by my side, heeding to my every command and demand. Every person I have ever met and ever will meet is extraordinarily impressed just by my presence, not to mention my astonishing assets, so I am writing this article to bequeath some insights on what it’s like to live the superior life.

Yesterday, I was cruising the local waterways on my mega-yacht, the Noble Phallus, allowing the area natives to view my inspiring vessel in admiration, when I slipped on the daybreak-dew-drenched deck while promenading to the bow for my morning shouting of, “I’m the KING OF THE WORLD.” Thankfully, I survived with only minor injury, a bruised buttocks, which I had James briskly massage for several hours in the nude. (He was nude; I had a towel on.) I have subsequently fired a majority of the crew for allowing such a blunder. Those certain crewmembers were promptly tossed overboard several miles out at sea; wherein a majority was recovered by my fleet of helicopters, only to be airlifted to my tropical island game reserve where I will hunt them as a leisurely pursuit. Tennis gets boring. ‘Tis nothing any of my employees were not aware of; as game reserve hunting is an express termination condition listed in each contract for anyone who works in one of my enterprises.

Nevertheless, I soon recognized that I needed to make a better non-slip yacht shoe; one that produces so much friction that I could walk up the side of one of my buildings with it. So naturally, I decided to forcefully acquire Sperry Top Sider, makers of the original, nautically inspired, non-slip boat shoes. 

“Forget nautically inspired, it’s Grandiose inspired from now on!” I graciously introduced myself to the remaining staff at Sperry. There was a compromise of sorts; Sperry agreed to design their shoe line after the Noble Phallus, my mega-yacht (as if you didn’t know that already). The shoe upper is comprised of ultra-rare dwarf-albino-salamander scrotum. Each pair of shoes derives 75 of these creatures’ scrotums.

Why did the design team choose such an organism? It was clearly inspired from my yacht upholstery, which is entirely albino-Sperm whale scrotum lined (no correlation to Melville’s Moby Dick). The sole of the magnificent shoe consists entirely of cured and specially treated, Indian elephant ass; because it is widely regarded as the supreme moisture wicking hide in the animal kingdom. I chose the ass due to the fact that it denotes power, provocative musculature, and dominance. With our special treatment, which is fundamentally a durable paste (sea turtle egg whites, panda corneas and other exceptional ingredients) applied to the elephant-ass-sole, I can literally walk out onto the wing of my private jet, mid-flight, without a care in the world. In fact, you should see me in a Sperry commercial soon walking on the wing of my private jet cruising at 500 mph, with James sitting in the nude on my shoulders, advertising the Grandiose edition of Sperry Top Siders. Suck it Branson! If you need to know the price, you can’t afford it.

I’ve since sold Sperry to a group of eager investors at substantial gain. The boat shoe market will never be the same with the innovations I brought to the industry with my Grandiose edition shoes. In addition, I have developed farming methods to mass-produce, therein saving, the dwarf-albino salamander from extinction. As for the Indian elephant ass-soles, lets just say there are quite a few assless elephants roaming the jungles. It’s possible to harvest the ass flesh of the Indian elephant because it naturally reproduces: a sustainable process. In the animal hide business, it’s customary to refer to the rear of the animal as the ass. Don’t think for one moment my usage of ass is crass.

In summary, I am back to my routine of shouting at daybreak on the bow of Noble Phallus. No slips since, (well, not counting James’ nip-slips, LOL) which is not surprising considering I designed and created the shoe. If not for gravity, I assure you I would be able to walk up a wall. I’m certain of that. James, my chief servant, is calling me to the heated indoor Olympic-sized and VOSS artesian water from Norway filled pool on my yacht. I require James to test the water with his reproductive organs to gauge if the temperature is to my standards. I must go and assist with the testing. Until next time, who knows where I will be, however I can guarantee that wherever I am and whatever I am doing, it will be extraordinarily excellent.


Variation of this article as a Sperry shoe review

Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: Valentines Day

Editor’s Note: This is another guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews: off-beat investment advisor. Due to popular demand, we had Jeff write an additional article.

Hello readers of excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor, and I’m back to give you more investment advice. As I mentioned previously, I’m very successful; I own an RV, that I live in, and have a 32” flat screen TV that I nearly own (I am making rent-to-own payments from Rent-A-Center). In this article I am going to reveal more of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies.

To begin with, you should start paying attention to your calendar. You’re probably thinking, “Whoa, whoa, what do you mean Jeffrey?” Lets slow down, this is complicated stuff and I want you to really digest this info. Here’s a relevant example: Valentine’s Day. It’s right around the corner and you should be investing in candy company stocks. You’ve probably heard of people doing this type of investing before, well, I invented it.

I start off by scoping out the calendar, as I just mentioned, (you could buy one of these at Wal-Mart or online) and I suggest looking up to two weeks ahead to plan your investments out. Back to Valentine’s Day. What I do is go to many different stores and check out the displays and packaging for the candy. Valentine’s Day and the days preceding are some of the biggest days of the year for candy sales. Prominent displays, catchy product packaging, and attractive pricing is a must to get the candy to sell. I take detailed notes from most every candy retailer in my area, even taking pictures, to create a portfolio for the various candies.

Next, taste the candy. Yes, besides cataloging you MUST eat the candy. Ask yourself this: does it taste good? It seems simple, but the best tasting candy will get bought more often, leading to profits for the company and a rise in the stock price. If Nestle has some incredible chocolate covered marshmallow heart that looks super nice sitting on the shelf and has striking design work on the package you know right away that stock must be bought. My personal heuristic for deciding how many shares to buy is dependent upon how many of the certain candy I consume: add 50 shares for consuming a second, 100 for a third, 250 for a fourth and if I make it to ten I add 10,000 shares to my investment in that company’s stock. It sounds crazy, but it has worked for me on literally, a handful of occasions. My strategy is not only effective, but also it’s a ton of fun [editor’s note: this could lead to sizeable weight gain, consult with your doctor before attempting].

Finally: When to sell? Lets stick with Valentine’s Day as an example. On Valentine’s Day, I will gorge on whatever candies I bought stock in, as I just mentioned. Depending on how I feel the next day or how many times I regurgitate that night is indicative of how long I hold a stock. If I don’t barf at all but still feel ill the next day, then I know I should hang on to the stock for at least one month.  Completely ill and barfing, then I sell right away. However, if I’m feeling good and can consume much more candy the next day I know it’s a guaranteed long-term hold (at least six months) and a serious money maker.

My investment techniques and knowledge come from years of first hand experience. Do not question my advice until you’ve tried some tactics yourself. One would think, “Jeffrey, you’re a CFA and CPA, most of your advice makes no sense coming from someone with such certifications and degrees from an institute of higher education.” Please do not be confused, I spent literally weeks and weeks, probably over a couple months studying for those documentations at ITT Tech. I don’t need that “knowledge,” I was born with an investment instinct. Please leave any questions in the comments, I’ll be happy to answer.