Constipated Man Eager to Finish Book

All 47 year-old Minneapolis resident, Bill Haste, wanted to do was finish reading The Davinci Code; a book that he had been unhurriedly reading for over two years whilst sitting on the toilet. With only 15 pages left, Mr. Haste was one decent discharge away from completion. Then, the unthinkable happened: Bill Haste couldn’t poop. “I can’t describe how disappointed I am with my inability to take a dump,” Mr. Haste passionately expressed. Bill was fervent to finish the book, only to have an act of God, in the form of intestinal impediment, present itself at the absolute worst time.

“It’s the principal of the thing,” says Bill, “I have been slowly chipping away at this book for so long that to even think of reading it while not on the toilet, just doesn’t make sense at this point.” Bill’s commitment to toilet-reading has conditioned him to only want to read in that particular environment. His bowel barricade is blocking more than his internals, but his reading habits as well.

Nearing a week in duration, the defecation difficulty is starting to take its toll on Bill’s psyche. “I try not to let the issue clog my mind, but I can’t even count how many different things I’ve tried to rectify...my rectum. I can't work it out, absolutely nothing is helping.” His list of hole-hindrance remedies includes: incessantly munching on chocolate laxatives, walking his dog so he can watch it poop, looked at (but did not read) the children’s book Everyone Poops, introduced his butt to countless enema and even consumed some questionable clam chowder.

One who analyzes the situation might think that with an extended o-ring obstruction, as in Bill’s case, there would be even more time spent on the toilet trying to break the defecation dam. Jeff counters, “My constipation has reached the point where I have no urges whatsoever to unload, it’s been nearly a week, so I stopped attempting altogether.” Bill is most certainly no quitter, but he’s also certainly no shitter.

 

At this point it is unknown when Bill will crack the constipation code. If there is one thing we do know, it’s that when it comes time for Bill to face the feces, he will do it book in-hand. Here’s hoping we can soon say “Haste makes waste.”

Editor's note: If you were wondering, yes, this entire shitty article was written so that one joke could be made at the end (more like rear end...okay, that's enough).