Investment Advice From Jeffrey Matthews: The Super Bowl of "Investing"

Editor’s note: This is a guest article from CFA and CPA Jeffrey Matthews. Jeffrey does some accounting and financial related work for GoH. After bugging us to let him write an article about investment advice, we finally gave in and let him write something up. He purportedly has spot-on, yet eccentric, advice on investing and finance. 

Hello readers of this excellent Web site, I’m Jeffrey Matthews, investment advisor. The editors at Greathouse of Humor have kindly allowed me to write an investment advice article. I’ve been doing this investment thing for a long time and have been very, very successful. I now own, outright, a recreational vehicle that I currently live in, because I like to travel, now that I am semi-retired at the age of 48.

In this article I am going to reveal some of my revolutionary stock-picking philosophies. I was told to keep things relevant, but that is not a problem for me, my procedures thrive on relevancy. Most every stock I buy is a consequence of current events.

The American male’s holiday of manliness is upon us, the Super Bowl. I find it’s an excellent opportunity to invest. The first thing I do is buy a bunch tabloids, watch TMZ and keep a close eye on famous peoples’ Tweets. Why? People of influence drive the economy. Are the Octomom’s kids dressed in Packers apparel? Is Owen Wilson wearing Steelers wrist-sweatbands? Did Wilmer Valderama tweet that he loves the Steelers? These are all things that lead to lots of sales and act as guide for where to invest.

Through extensive research I discovered that Nike is the apparel brand behind these teams. If I go online and see that TMZ’s video of the Octomom’s kids in Packers apparel (made by Nike) has been viewed by 5,000 people, then it’s utterly apparent that most Americans will be buying this for their kids. Same thing if Wilmer Valderama had a Steelers hat on that was shown on TMZ. This means that you should be buying Nike stock, because it is about to skyrocket. For every 1,000 views a prominent video from a celebrity like this gets, I purchase 500 shares (that’s a ratio of 27 ¼: π) of that company’s stock.

Next, the most important step of all, watching the Super Bowl commercials. Funniness of a commercial is directly correlated to sales. Rule of thumb: the amount of time you laugh equates to the number of shares that should be bought. If I am laughing for the entire duration of the commercial I will undoubtedly buy at least $3500 worth of shares for whatever product that commercial is advertising. That night and the next day when those commercials show up on YouTube is when I get a good chance to watch them.

Here is how I gauge how many shares to purchase after watching these commercials on YouTube: watch a video twice and still laugh equals 250 shares, watch five times and still laughing is 500 shares, pee my pants laughing (even just a little) after ten views equals 3,000 shares, neighbors call the police due to unremitting screaming (my laughter) I will generally buy a minimum of 10,000 shares and hold the stock for six months.

An alternative investment option is direct procurement. I choose one commercial every year that I really like and buy up a bunch of that product to put into storage and sell down the line after it has accrued tremendous value and demand is high in the collector’s market. For example, I have a storage unit absolutely jam packed full of Doritos. Not only are Doritos delicious and their Super Bowl ads hilarious, but the bags of chips with Super Bowl related content on the packaging will be worth an absolute fortune to sports memorabilia and food collectors alike. Wise investors buy Doritos, just make sure to get a climate controlled storage unit as not to spoil the chips.

On a side note, you can buy other products as well. One year I bought a car, I think it's a Hyundai, based on a stunning commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. It’s now in a storage unit, I’m just waiting for the right time to put it on market as “the car that was advertised in a Super Bowl commercial.”

My tips are guaranteed money-making investments. I hope I helped people with my investment and financial advice. Please post any questions in the comments.