Types of Bumper Stickers and Their Respective Owners

You want the world to know something about you, something often ostentatious, so you promote that something…with a sticker…on your bumper.

• Political bumper stickers:

• Radical choice – You’re probably a partisan pothead: “Legalize It”; worship Glenn Beck: “Obama Is Hitler”; or otherwise have odd, but strong convictions: “People Against Zombies” or "Palin for Imperial Leader." 

• Local politician – Nobody knows who that person is or cares, except you; you’re probably related to them and were pressured into putting the sticker on your vehicle.

• My party won (and is better) - You still have a Bush/Cheney sticker on your SUV and/or the mast of your sailboat.

• My party lost (but should have won) – You’re still proudly parading Gore/Lieberman 2000 around town and regularly wake up in the middle of the night screaming, “Recount!”

• My kid’s an honor student - “Wow, I’m impressed. Good for them and their high achieving child” –Not one person, ever.

• Prestigious University- Ivy League, good for you…gooooood for you. And I see that you are driving a BMW. You are certainly doing well. You must’ve majored in Conceited Studies.

• Humorous- “Shit happens”- this is OK.

• Radio station- You still listen to the radio? Why would you put a sticker on your car to let everyone know?

• Bank- Did you really put a bank bumper sticker on your car? Even people who work at that bank don’t do that.

• Religious- Translation: “I go to church every Sunday and even some other days of the week, too. I’m virtuously better than you or at least that’s what I want people to think about me. Do you think I go to church because I like it!?”

• Sports team- Translation: “On weekends I’m very busy, often multi-tasking: watching TV, drinking beer, eating nachos and shouting at a luminous box.”

• Cartoon pissing on Ford/Chevy- This sticker doesn't upset the Ford or Chevy owners as much as it does geriatrics with prostate issues who have trouble urinating.

• I'm an advocate- You eat meat and shoot things or don’t like people who eat meat and shoot things.

• American flag- Translation: “Everyone take notice of my patriotism; I bought this at the gas station. No it wasn’t made in China. It was made in the Philippines. There’s a difference!”

• Confederate flag- Translation: “I’m tolerant.” You probably live in San Francisco and drive a Prius.