Guest Editorial: Fat American Pigdog Parents Ruin Their Children

Greathouse of Humor got a lot of responses to yesterday's article about the American Idol parents, this one in particular stood out to us.

Recently, I read article on this site about two bourgeoisie parents supporting their offspring in fruitless endeavor that accomplish nothing but stripping needed resource from rest of society. One parent even said, “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer.” This perfectly highlights spineless, greedy way fat American parent decide to raise their offspring. Why are you letting this child have choice in what they do when they reach adulthood? I had three children, and within two weeks of being born I assign them career which they would be trained in for next 18-20 years. Do you think Han, my glorious first-born son wanted to be doctor when he was four? I tell him, “Look little rat, you do this or I take away abacus.” Then he start learning periodic table, along with rigorous course in Latin and algebra.

The weakling parents in the article “supported” their child to the point of taking acting lessons to act surprise when child’s unrealistic aspirations come crashing down. Why? So the ungrateful, lazy offspring wouldn’t cry? True support for your child is to be strong, unyielding foundation of rock that forces your child to do what best for them. When Han used to cry into his pillow late in night, because of sheer exhaustion from eight hour academic lesson after school or hunger pangs from having his dinner withheld due to poor performance in partial fraction decomposition, I was there latching deadbolt on bedroom door every night.

I remember one day when Han told me that he wanted to go outside and play decadent American football with some capitalist progeny instead of learning how plot in three dimension. Lazy parents would let this travesty occur, with silly excuse of “free time” or “socialization.” Typical American, this is wrong kind of socialism! After I said no and Han asked me second time I slap him across the face and told him his insolence shame entire family and he was treasonous snake, roughly translated. Only after I threaten to unfriend him on Facebook, leaving him friendless, he go back to graphing. Western parents probably find this treatment harsh, but this is because you treat children as weaklings, like you are. If you treat them like strong people, they will become strong people.

While the child in the American Idol article is still living with parent and will continue to be failure in life, my Han is successful heart surgeon making millions every year from fat America. I now live with him in gigantic house, surrounded by decadence only America could come up with. Let your children lay on couch drinking soda, eating your big macs and watching Jersey Shore. My people thank you for it.


-Superior Chinese Mother

Parents of American Idol Contestant Do Their Best to Act Surprised

Bob and Maureen Nelson always knew their child, Alex, couldn’t sing. They were just doing what they thought every parent was supposed to do; feign that it’s possible to accomplish anything they set their mind to.  “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer,” explains Maureen, “but apparently when I said he could be a famous singer, he took it to heart.” This led to years of instilling false hope in Alex. Bob and Maureen were always selective with who their son sang in front of. Besides Alex’s half-deaf grandmother, he only sang in the presence of his parents, or alone, in the privacy of their own home. Mr. Nelson says, “At times, the singing could be very disturbing, with my son shrieking and moaning; we even had the neighbors call the police once. I told Alex it was a false alarm.” Then, Bob and Maureen pulled off what would be their biggest triumph yet; Alex singing to a crowd of over 100 people at his 13th, Jewish coming-of-age, birthday party. “We paid-off everyone at his Bar Mitzvah to applaud and compliment him after he sang ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’,” says Mrs. Nelson, “And let me tell ya’, the singing was really terrible, but in the end, it was well worth it. After that, he thought he really was that singer in the band…the one with the hair…George Michaelberg.” 

The insincerity struck an all time high when Alex asked his parents if he should try out for American Idol. Mrs. Nelson innocently reveals, “We knew he would most likely be humiliated on national television and mocked on the Twitter and YouToo [YouTube], but we felt we had invested too much time in building up this fictitious confidence that it would be a waste to stop now.” Bob tries to justify his actions by saying, “I was hoping he would just be so dreadful that he would be cut in the preliminary auditions.” The Nelsons knew it would not be easy to tell Alex he was not a good singer, so they decided it would be best to bring him to the audition when it came to their city.

Mr. and Mrs. Nelson planned out exactly how they were going to act when their son came out of the audition room after being rejected for his horrendous singing. “I knew we would need plenty of tissues, so I hid a small box in my purse in a spot where I could quickly grab them,” describes Mrs. Nelson.  Mr. and Mrs. Nelson even went as far as getting acting lessons.  Bob says, “We didn’t want to come off as disingenuous.” Maureen elucidates, “I needed to know how to act shocked and upset when I really wasn’t going to be, and at the same time be angry with the judges’ poor decision in not choosing Alex.”

Alex and his parents went to an audition, wherein Alex surprised his parents by making it to the celebrity-judge riddled, televised audition.  “Even though we knew he would never make it, we were still nervous,” says Mr. Nelson. During the audition the Nelsons could hear the ear-splitting shrills through the heavy doors.  “I did an interview outside the audition room with Ryan Seacrest and I even told him I wished my son would make it to Hollywood…and I think he believed me,” says Mrs. Nelson. Predictably, Alex came out crying after being eliminated. His mother Maureen was prepared with tissues and an excess of astonishment. Maureen and Bob were questioning the judges, the producers of the show and just in general, spewing skepticism at the cameras.

Mr. Nelson summarizes, “I think it went very well, both Maureen and I remembered what those acting lessons taught us and followed all the steps of the plan we made. Before we even got to the car, we had Alex convinced he was an incredible singer and to tryout again next year.”

Area Man Unfortunately Survives Accident, Lifts Car Off Self

For years Nick Peterson disregarded use of any other machine or piece of workout equipment his gym had to offer, solely utilizing the bench press. Often shouting when entering the gym, "HEY, someone spot me!” was a common site at Flex Fitness of Indialantic, FL. Frequenting the facility twice per day, Peterson began developing his pectoral muscles to show off while wearing tight shirts. But in a strange twist of fate, his ballooned chest helped absorb the impact of a speeding automobile that struck him yesterday afternoon. His abnormally and enormously developed chest also enabling him to lift the vehicle, a 1992 Ford Taurus, off himself after a believed drunk driver jumped a curb, landing on top of Mr. Peterson.

A passerby who witnessed the accident and incredible feat of strength recalls the incident:

“I saw this car swerving and all of a sudden it jumped the curb, landing on top of some guy, before I could even get close to the accident the car began to almost levitate. I looked around and thought there was a crane or wires lifting it off the ground; then this guy got out from underneath it, told the driver to ‘be more careful next time’ and mentioned his chest may have bent the frame.” 

Paramedics on the scene that afternoon explained, “If this were to happen to any other person they would have most likely been seriously injured.” Another paramedic commented, “The only other person that comes to mind who could have possibly survived something like this is that stripper with breasts so large she can crush beer cans with’em, yeah, she probably could have survived the accident, but, there’s no way she could’ve lifted a car. That is freakish strength.”

It is now being reported that Peterson is being sued for damages caused to the supposed drunk drivers vehicle. The driver now claiming they were not intoxicated, rather, became so distracted by the outward expanse coming from Mr. Peterson’s chest, lost control of the vehicle. Peterson declined to meet at the scene of the accident claiming his chest is now too large, preventing him from wearing a seatbelt and does not want to drive or be transported without wearing one 'even though his pecs would probably act as airbags' should an accident happen. For fear of a similar accident occurring he cannot leave unless after dark. Now confined to his house, Mr. Peterson spends most of his time watching TV, mocking contestants of the World’s Strongest Man competition, and only leaving to pump out some reps on the bench press at the gym. Over the phone, Peterson explained he is in mediation with the drivers' attorney, offering to pay for some of the damages but can’t be singly responsible for someone with a pec fetish who can’t keep their eyes on the road. Asked if he has an attorney, Mr. Peterson snidely replied, “No, I let my chest do the talking.” By agreeing to be interviewed about the events, Mr. Peterson in turn requested that from now on it is essential he be referred to as “Buff McBuffman”.