Parents of American Idol Contestant Do Their Best to Act Surprised

Bob and Maureen Nelson always knew their child, Alex, couldn’t sing. They were just doing what they thought every parent was supposed to do; feign that it’s possible to accomplish anything they set their mind to.  “I told my son he could be an astronaut, a football or baseball player, even a famous singer,” explains Maureen, “but apparently when I said he could be a famous singer, he took it to heart.” This led to years of instilling false hope in Alex. Bob and Maureen were always selective with who their son sang in front of. Besides Alex’s half-deaf grandmother, he only sang in the presence of his parents, or alone, in the privacy of their own home. Mr. Nelson says, “At times, the singing could be very disturbing, with my son shrieking and moaning; we even had the neighbors call the police once. I told Alex it was a false alarm.” Then, Bob and Maureen pulled off what would be their biggest triumph yet; Alex singing to a crowd of over 100 people at his 13th, Jewish coming-of-age, birthday party. “We paid-off everyone at his Bar Mitzvah to applaud and compliment him after he sang ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’,” says Mrs. Nelson, “And let me tell ya’, the singing was really terrible, but in the end, it was well worth it. After that, he thought he really was that singer in the band…the one with the hair…George Michaelberg.” 

The insincerity struck an all time high when Alex asked his parents if he should try out for American Idol. Mrs. Nelson innocently reveals, “We knew he would most likely be humiliated on national television and mocked on the Twitter and YouToo [YouTube], but we felt we had invested too much time in building up this fictitious confidence that it would be a waste to stop now.” Bob tries to justify his actions by saying, “I was hoping he would just be so dreadful that he would be cut in the preliminary auditions.” The Nelsons knew it would not be easy to tell Alex he was not a good singer, so they decided it would be best to bring him to the audition when it came to their city.

Mr. and Mrs. Nelson planned out exactly how they were going to act when their son came out of the audition room after being rejected for his horrendous singing. “I knew we would need plenty of tissues, so I hid a small box in my purse in a spot where I could quickly grab them,” describes Mrs. Nelson.  Mr. and Mrs. Nelson even went as far as getting acting lessons.  Bob says, “We didn’t want to come off as disingenuous.” Maureen elucidates, “I needed to know how to act shocked and upset when I really wasn’t going to be, and at the same time be angry with the judges’ poor decision in not choosing Alex.”

Alex and his parents went to an audition, wherein Alex surprised his parents by making it to the celebrity-judge riddled, televised audition.  “Even though we knew he would never make it, we were still nervous,” says Mr. Nelson. During the audition the Nelsons could hear the ear-splitting shrills through the heavy doors.  “I did an interview outside the audition room with Ryan Seacrest and I even told him I wished my son would make it to Hollywood…and I think he believed me,” says Mrs. Nelson. Predictably, Alex came out crying after being eliminated. His mother Maureen was prepared with tissues and an excess of astonishment. Maureen and Bob were questioning the judges, the producers of the show and just in general, spewing skepticism at the cameras.

Mr. Nelson summarizes, “I think it went very well, both Maureen and I remembered what those acting lessons taught us and followed all the steps of the plan we made. Before we even got to the car, we had Alex convinced he was an incredible singer and to tryout again next year.”

Suspicious Incident ALERT!

UCF is University of Central Florida
*UCF ALERT!!* Garage H & A are closed due to a suspicious incident, UCF Police are on site. Sent to All users (E-mail, Pagers, Cell phones) through UCF ALERT. 
 
UCF Police have closed parking garages H and A due to a suspicious incident. We just wanted to let all 50,000+ people know what was going on in case anyone drove up to the police barricade and decided to drive around it, oblivious to the flashing lights, general police activities, and officers shouting to stop your vehicle. This is also to the blindfold club, in case any member is wandering the campus, somehow gets past the police in the vicinity, and winds up in one of the mentioned garages. 
 
Police also are keeping traffic away from the areas where the garages are located, so for real, do not drive up onto the scene and try to get around us; thinking why are these cops parked here leaving their flashers on and chit-chatting in front of the garage when I need to get in.

*UCF ALERT!!* Garage A and H are now OPEN - ALL CLEAR – Turns out it was a Walmart bag that a student forgot in the garage after shopping that happened to have an alarm clock in it. The ticking noise made a student (obviously, not the brightest of pupils, well this is UCF) think there could be a bomb inside. Because this could be a serious threat to safety we had to take it seriously, notifying authorities. Maybe the Walmart bag could have been a hint that this was a bag someone forgot. The alarm clock still in its packaging, personal items and a receipt hanging out of the bag was another clue this was perhaps more of a lost and found case than a bomb threat. Again, we are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, especially the potheads who like to walk the garages and laugh at the echo of their voice off the walls and the homeless guy, who won’t get this message, that likes to defecate under the stairwells.

Catan Boredgame Review

This is a review of the Settlers of Catan boardgame, which I posted on this site in the comments of a learn how to play article:  http://hubpages.com/hub/Learn-to-Play-Settlers-of-Catan

I've had this game sitting in my closet for about 15 years, haven't touched it, my grandmother gave it to me for my birthday when I was a kid and it seemed like the stupidest game.  Upon further review, it is. I don't know if this article confirms that or not, I didn't read it. What I can say is, if you are in need of some kindling in the winter when you are out of newspaper, grab this game. Actually, you should probably toss out this game, it pretty much burst into flames when I dropped a match on it. Plus, those little game pieces are sized perfectly for stuffing into nostrils. I had a cousin who enjoyed shoving them up his nose, only had to go the ER a few times to have them removed. All those midget houses and road pieces are misplaced immediately, mostly up my cousins' nose. The concept is pretty boring, just by glancing at this article, seems like a game given to prisoners to pass the time/induce torture. Build a road or settlement; resource cards consisting of wood, sheep and wheat; exhilarating shit here. Can't wait to build my road to make a town and populate it with wheat to feed me and the sheep, that I may or may not do inappropriate things with...you have no proof, unless you can fashion a camera out of wheat, wood and brick. Catan is that board game you can't give away at garage sale. "But sir, it uses all the Earth's resources, like rock AND brick!" "Now that you mention that is has rock and brick, I might be interested. Tell me sheep and wood are included in those resources and I'm sold" "Not only that, but it has wheat too". "What the *#&@ was I thinking passing this up. I really like rocks and bricks, but when combined with sheep and wheat or even wood, it creates such a magical effervescence that I think I may have just crapped my pants thinking about it."

Reviewer: 20SidedDie: "The best part about playing Catan is really just being around friends, drinking an O'Doul's and having fun. Racing to build roads and get brick and sheep shipments from the port. Does life get any better?

You know you have good friends when they can sit through a game of Catan. Usually they pass out after hour 6, and that's when I pretend they are sheep."

Catan: A game of wits, wheat and sheep...mostly wheat and sheep.


Here's a real response from someone who is less than happy with the review, which I posted under the name, Hugh Jass:

Grow up Hugh Jass 9 days ago

I truly can't believe that the above person wasted so much time and energy on a 'game'. It's a game - get real, get with it, it's not the end of the world, don't like it move on, but most importantly - hopefully you will eventually grow up and realize how immature your rant really was. Just because you didn't like it doesn't mean everyone else has to have your opnion. Obviously you should have asked your Gramma for another gift!

Ode to Airbud

My name is Airbud, I'm a dog.
My jaws are strong enough to carry a ten ton log.
I don't lick my ass or eat poop.
I'm in the kitchen making gourmet soup.
Remember when I saved that drowning kid?
I did it because I was hungry, you ever heard of baby back rib?
I can catch a football in my mouth.
And shoot a basketball with my nose.
It's unbelievable how much love I'm getting from these Dalmatian hoes.
I drink and smoke just like any other Golden Retriever gangsta.
Poodles have tried, but they are wuss ass wankstas.
This is the end, I have to go.
I've got an ass to sniff.
You ever heard of J-Lo?!