How to Nail a Job Interview

• Attire: Do not wear a suit. You heard right. Don’t wear a suit. Everyone wears a suit, even Hillary Clinton, and you want to stick out. Upon entering the interview room, slyly state, “the suit’s at the dry cleaners, been on a ton of interviews lately.” You should subsequently query, “Could we hurry this up? I have real important interview pretty soon and need to pick up my suit.” Dress casual, like you were on your way to the Laundromat but stopped by for an interview because it happened to be on your way.

• Résumé: Words of wisdom: A little fibbing goes a long way. Lets say you were recently an Assistant Manager at McDonald’s, but were fired because you “sampled too much food.” A slight distortion of words could make the difference in helping you land the position. What this means is, you take a title like assistant and convert it to Vice President. The end result of the conversion is Assistant Manager = V.P. of Operations. In theory, you were the V.P. of Operations at that store. Don’t sell yourself short; a little undamaging untruth never hurt anyone.

o  Education:  The main lesson to be learned here is creative rearrangement. So you paid for an online degree from University of Phoenix, simply creatively rearrange those letters to UPenn, a prestigious Ivy League university. Important: omit the unnecessary leftover letters.

o  Helpful Hint: If ever asked about your previous position or education, change the topic immediately, pretending you didn’t understand or make something up. Example: “I was so drunk, I do not remember much,” or, “OMG! Is that spider on your head?!” Another option is to say you cannot speak of your previous employment due to the top-secret nature of the work.

• Interview Questions: There’s a vast array of hard-hitting interview questions, but one is the most common, and when answered correctly, can help you avoid any other questions: “What is your greatest weakness?” By answering, “My greatest weakness is answering job interview questions,” you immediately alert the interviewer to why you are so terrible at answering interview questions; eliminating the entire question and answer process of the job interview. This enables your fibbed-up resume to stand out.

• Introduction: Shaking hands is customary to most any interaction where people are meeting each other for the first time; it’s also a glaring signal that you are exceedingly desperate for the position. If anything, extend your palm for a low five, saying; “down-low,” and quickly pull your hand away only to say, “too slow.” Conversely, one could also ignore the outward hand or present a limp, lifeless appendage for the person to uncomfortably shake, as a way of saying, “after I’m hired, you’ll be lucky I don’t fire you.”

• Eye Contact: Eye contact displays attentiveness and interest. Avoid eye contact at all costs. This is probably the most common mistake. Do not ever appear needy or like you actually want the job.

• Body Language/Behavior: Sit back and relax, put your feet up if you have to; you don’t ever want to appear nervous during the interview. Make it known that you are a busy person and have better things to do with your time. Work out a crossword puzzle, you could even interrupt the interviewer to ask for some help. “Oh, this sounds like you, maybe you can help with nine across. What is a three letter word for a donkey…that starts with A?” You will get bored, it’s going to happen, job interviews are some of the dullest moments of a persons’ existence. To combat the boredom you should read a newspaper or play Angry Birds on your phone or even leave the room. “Don’t stop, I’ll be right back.”

• Lunch Interview: Eat lunch during your interview, particularly if it is not a lunch interview. Remember, you are very busy and need to get to your next interview refreshed and ready, so you are eating lunch during this mind-numbing interview. Don’t ask, just bring in your lunch and begin eating. It is in good judgment to offer the interviewer a bite if they look hungry.

• Inner-interview: Carry out an over-the-phone interview during your interview. Have a friend call you at a specified time, or even text them when you are ready, because you should be on your phone anyways, and begin to answer some scripted questions, making it sound like you are doing very well. After finishing the phone interview you can assuredly say, “Wow, Google is really desperate for me to work for them. Did you get all of that or should I repeat anything?”

The overall goal of these techniques is to exhibit great disinterest, in turn making the prospective employer sell to you. Turn the tables. Remember, leave the suit at home, ignore the handshake, rearrange the resume, spin the interview questions, avoid eye contact, bored is good, eat lunch without asking, get interviewed during the interview and generally do not give a damn. You will not have to wait to see if you received the job, these techniques guarantee the position immediately after the interview. It is recommended you tell the employer you will think about it and request double whatever salary they offer, refusing to accept any less. Most often the employer will offer triple, thereafter. These tactics work 100% of the time, dare to use other methods at your own risk.