Looking to Rent Your Kids

Friend of Greathouse of Humor, Nick Peterson, wrote this fine piece for a Craigslist ad:

Hello parents, I am looking a few young children to help me get Derek Jeter's autograph tomorrow. Jeter is training down in Tampa, and I need a few kids to stand in line with me and wait for the chance to get a baseball legend. Derek Jeter usually only signs autographs for kids, so this is a perfect opportunity for me to get his autograpg 3, 4 or even 5 times (depending on how many children I recruit).

I can NOT offer you a Derek Jeter signature in return, because I need his signature as many times as I can get. What I can offer you is a picture of your child next to him, and a story that will last a lifetime. If you commit before midnight tonight, I will also throw in an autographed baseball card of the Tampa Ray's team mascot "Raymond". . . an overall value of $3.50.

We will leave the next morning around 2:00 AM. We need to be in Tampa at around 5:00 AM so that we can be the first few people in line. Snacks and beverages will be provided by me. I will have all the Capri-Suns and Oreos that your children desire. If your child requires a car seat, please provide it.

Children must be between the ages of 3-12, male or female. They must be able to stand for long periods of time, have basic social skills, and be potty-trained. Please no medical diseases including Downs's syndrome, schizophrenia, Bell's palsy or any other types of deformity. This is actually a new stipulation because last year Alex Rodriguez did not sign for one of my recruited children. I thought that something like this would help my efforts but it completely backfired. I don't want to take that chance again.

Please feel free to ask me any questions before committing your child for the trip. I am a professional and will treat your kids like they were my own. (My own kids are actually unavailable for tomorrow. . .still waiting on that court hearing). I look forward to working with you and your child!