Review: LumiSource Element Touch- The Best Faucet-Looking Lamp On The Market

I recently moved into a bigger Manhattan apartment and decided to scrap the old lights and install all new fixtures. Searching around Amazon, I found this impressive light. After purchasing several, for a bargain price of seventy dollars, one found its way onto my circa 19th century desk. It provides ample illumination with the 3 watt LED. I would compare the illumination strength to that of two robust matches. If I turn on the lamp at night I am able to read what it says on an area the size of a Post-it note if positioned directly under the lamp.

Another benefit of the lamp is it looks just like a faucet. Many a guest has attempted to wash their hands under my lamps, sometimes their hands even lathered up with soap. After asking me how to turn on the faucet, I tell them it is actually a lamp and then promptly kick them out for attempting to wash their hands over a fine piece of furniture. In fact, one of those Real Housewives of New Jersey somehow got into my apartment when I was throwing a party and tried washing her hands with my lamp. She supposedly had ties to the Mob, so I chose not to say anything and just let her wallow in her own foolishness. One guest amusingly told her that you must speak to the faucet for it to turn on and she began shouting commands. “Wawt’uh! Turn on!” It was quite entertaining.

The Element Touch has a gleaming chrome finish, rivaling that of even the most polished faucets. I find myself having to keep tissues at my desk, as I am unfortunately able to peer right into my nasal cavity. However, if I am running late for a meeting it is good to have that mirror chrome finish to check for anything in my teeth, such as remnants of organic Peruvian spinach leaves from my salad at lunch.

To review- The lamp is a great deal at seventy dollars (I have several); the light is bright enough to allow someone to read a watch if you held your wrist directly beneath the lamp; it could easily be mistaken for a faucet (so you can laugh at the dullards); and is so shiny that in case of emergency you could signal for rescue/start a fire if necessary, or just use it to pop a zit at your desk.

Review: Justin Bieber Limited Edition 3D Glasses

Let me start off by saying that I'm a belieber! 100%! Justin truly is amazing and an inspiration to all. Even my granny loves him. At first she thought Biebs was a girl, but she did think she/he was talented. I told Granny his name is Justin, it's a boy, silly. I live in my granny's basement and that's how she came to know Justin and his songs. I took her to see Never Say Never ten times; out of the 27 1/2 times I went to see the movie; which was so motivating and powerful, loved it. The 1/2 is due to me having to go to the bathroom (a serious turd attack), there was no way I could hold it in. The rest of the times I went to see the movie I just wore adult diapers so I wouldn't have to get up anymore. Even though I had seen the movie 15 times at that point, I just liked it so much, there was no way I was going to miss any Bieberness on an enormous movie theater screen. No way. The glasses are awesome, I wore them to all 27 1/2 viewings, even when I saw the movie and it wasn't showing in 3D. I wear the glasses most everyday, even to work and they are the absolutely wonderful. People compliment me all the time on my snazzy purple glasses.

Justin took out the lenses in his glasses, but I kept them in because I think it looks cool. Plus, you see things in like another dimension, pretty much. Everything looks like it is coming right at you. I was buying a Snickers bar at a convenience store and when the cashier went to hand me the change I accidentally smacked it out of his hand because I thought he was going to hit me in the face. This happened a few more times before I realized it was the glasses that were making me think that things were going to hit me in the face. I was banned from a store because I got in an argument with a cashier after accusing him of trying to hit me with a fistful of change. 



I don't care how much trouble these Bieber glasses get me in. I love them. They bring me that much closer to Justin. My boss does not like me wearing them at work; when I am making sandwiches at Subway. My boss will shout, "Justin, you need to take those stupid glasses off and stop singing! You are 42 years old!" I legally changed my name to Justin, if you were wondering. I just flick my hair in disagreeance at him (I got the Bieber cut), and he usually leaves me alone after that. He also doesn't like that I recite Justin Bieber lyrics all day. "Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooohh." Sometimes I will sing Baby like all day at work with my iPod earbuds in and just shouting the lyrics. A customer might say, "Turkey, blah, blah, blah, no Mayo." And I'm all like, "...Baby, OOOHH! Here's your Meatball Sub." They're all like, "What are you doing? I didn't order this!" I'm all like, "Whoa, don't point when I gotz 3D Bieber glasses on, bozo!" Then they say, "What the hell is wrong with you? I wanna talk to a manager!" Then I say, "This justin: you're not a belieber!" And I smash a bunch of lettuce in their face. Now I don't work at Subway anymore. Their loss, IMHO. No biggie, now I just have more time to be with Bieber. 

The glasses are rockin'. I'll even sleep with them on sometimes (don't tell my granny). I once paid a bunch of kids to chase me down the street shouting "Justin! Justin!" when I was dressed up as Bieber (which is pretty much all the time! lol). Soooooo much fun. I'm not going to lie, if I walk past a mirror and glance at myself real quick I have to look twice because I think it's actually Justin. LOLZ! The glasses are especially good when seeing Never Say Never. You feel like Justin is in there with you! Which by now, I have seen 31 times. You're an inspiration Justin!!! Just remember to not wear the glasses in public unless you are prepared to think you have things coming at your face all the time. Buy these glasses, go see Bieb on the big-screen, buy his music and if you really love him you will move to Canada where Justin was born. I am moving soon, well, as soon as I get another job and can afford to move. My eyes are hurting me for some reason, I think from typing so much with these glasses. Bai Guyz! Buy these glasses and go see the movie!


Link to Amazon review 

Review: Honey Bunches of Oats

Yesterday I was in the supermarket and couldn’t decide between corn flakes, frosted flakes, a cereal with almonds or one with crunchy clusters...so I just stood there...standing (yes, I stood there, standing)...irresolute...vacillating with uncertainty. Partly because I had no idea how I got in the store (it was because I took an Ambien), but for the most part because I was having a hell of a time deciding which cereal to buy.

I would reach out to grab a box and then stop halfway. A box would find its way into my cart and I would immediately put it back. At one point I even had four different types of cereal in my cart. “No way I’m buying all these different cereals. There’s just no way.” While I’m saying this to myself, the stockboy is staring at me. “Why did I ever decide to come in here with a robe on and slippers today?” I thought to myself. My attire had undermined any wisp of non-creepiness I had when I entered the store. Time was not on my side, a choice had to be made.

A crowd was starting to form. People were taking bets on what choice I was going to make. Okay, maybe that didn’t really happen; I mistook the crowd for a mom with a bunch of kids that I saw from the corner of my eye. Nonetheless, I had to get home. I was hungry. I decided to just close my eyes and grab a box. After spinning around several times, I stuck my arm out and grabbed what felt like a big bag of marshmallows; it was an elderly woman’s buttocks. She had apparently bent over in front of me to pick up a penny. I quickly tried to explain it was an honest mistake, however, she struck me with her purse before I could finish my explanation and take my hand off her bottom. Luckily, she hurried off soon after. 

This was beginning to become a disaster. I needed cereal and I needed it fast. My neck was cranked, after the purse smack, to an area of the aisle I wasn’t looking at before, and then I saw it: Honey Bunches of Oats. It had everything I was looking for in a cereal: the corn flakes, frosted flakes, almonds, crunchy clusters, and even some stuff I wasn’t looking for, like granola oat things (which look like they are perfectly sized to block an unsuspecting windpipe). But most importantly, the cereal denotes healthiness, while it’s actually not really all that healthy. I like that. Looks good in the pantry if someone sees it, but doesn’t taste like wood chips. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in a cereal? Unfortunately, before I could pick up a box the manager told me to leave.

Long story short, I went home and bought this multi-pack on Amazon. It tastes like no cereal I have ever had before. And you know me, (edit: you probably don’t), I’ve had a lot of cereal. If you are on the fence about trying this cereal, don’t be. I think it was well worth the inadvertent old woman butt squeeze and getting banned from the store. But that’s just me.

Lessons I learned:

Honey Bunches of Oats is awesome.

Going into the real world is overrated. Especially when MTV has a show called The Real World, which I can watch from the comfort of my own home. And let me tell ya, when people start getting real, it gets real, really quick. That’s the slogan for the show, if you didn’t know.

Buying food online is fun!

Don’t take Ambien. Ever.

Link to the review on Amazon

Great Vacuum Sealer...or Greatest Vacuum Sealer (for organs)

As a hospital mortuary technician, I have tried probably every trick in the book to try and properly store various appendages and organs, with no success in finding a method of near 100% preservation, post-thaw. Either for research purposes, autopsies, evidence, verification, substantiation purposes or otherwise; samples selected for testing and/or specimen analysis must be properly maintained to uphold organic composition. Basically, if someone's suspected of being poisoned, suspiciously found dead, murdered, and so on, certain body parts are harvested, and must be stored, sometimes for extended durations and defrosted later on to be tested. Sometimes it's just for med students that get some homeless Joe's liver to poke and prod for "educational purposes." Which let me tell you, is overrated. The job seems morbid, but we do have fun, and even joke around a bit. For instance, we might pick up a finger and point to someone and say "This guy isn't looking too well, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

Anyways, I came across the vacuum packer one night while watching infomercials. The host guaranteed your meat would stay fresh for a year in this vacuum-sealed bag. I thought, wow, we keep organs in the fridge sometimes just laying on cookie sheets, and they surprisingly don't last a month without early stages of seepage; this vacuum bag could really help. And it does. We've had stuff in the freezers, which would usually be freezer burned, so long in these vacuum bags we don't even know what it is anymore. Helpful hint: label those bags, and put a date on there too. It's easy to forget after a few years where you stuffed that one specific spleen, especially if it's in a containment unit that's overflowing with them.

For what reason I was never trained in the use of vacuum packing internals/segments and nobody else in the profession employs the use of a vacuum packer, I will never know. Its preservation capabilities are truly sensational. It might sound like I'm describing a meal at a fancy restaurant, but I was really impressed. I can pack like four hearts per bag, which you're not supposed to do, because of convoluted contamination practices, but how else are you going to determine a bag's storage capacity for say, hearts. Voluminous measurements for organs certainly aren't specified on the side of the bag. So I felt like a pioneer, in a way. PM me if anyone wants to know info for any other organs. No inquiries from psychopathic killers though...well, maybe if you ask nice.

I'll admit, for Halloween I did bring some of these baggies (yes, with organs) home...just to scare some kids. And really, you don't even need a freezer when transporting a vacuum-sealed bag. Nothing to worry about, since the vacuum packing helps keep the contents stable longer. At least I think that's what I read in the manual, I haven't had any issues with the tissues. I almost had a buddy try and eat a lung I brought home. He thought it was a steak, had the pan all heated up and everything. I caught him right before he was about to toss it in. Although, I'm sure if he did eat it, he would say, "Wow, I'm amazed at how this bag preserves the freshness of this meat... meat which is unidentifiable, yet delicious." Don't worry, I wiped off all the seasonings he put on it.

Some reviewers complained the machine is loud. It is a little loud, however, I wouldn't say it's loud enough to wake the dead. No complaints from my clients.

The sealing process is seamless. Literally. And it better be, can't have any of the stuff I'm packing leaking onto my lunch when we have to store this stuff in the fridge. Sometimes the freezers get full, what are you gonna do. Do pay attention when sealing these bags. Why? It uses heat. I may or may not have accidentally "cooked" some contents that were too tightly packed, that got pressed up against the heat seal element. Mistakes are easy to hide, stuff gets lost frequently and without difficulty around here.

The process of sealing is easy. Slide the open end of the bag under the sealer thing and hit the button, remember not to cook the meat inside, watch the patented Seal-A-Spleen system work its magic, let the overflow catch all the biohazardous juices, spray with Febreeze to clean, and you are done. Oh, and take it from someone who has learned the hard way; don't forget to toss that sealed bag in the freezer. Otherwise, you've wasted a vacuum bag, and they aren't cheap.

Overall, the vacuum sealer is priced right for such a quality product that can really handle some heavy usage. I hope my review helped some people with their purchase decision and that maybe some mortuary techs will read this and start using the vacuum sealer to get the longest shelf life possible for the unusual stuff we need to store.


The Amazon Review 

Quick Review: Timex Dive Watch, a Gentleman's Timepiece?

I had received this dive watch in praise of my achievements from an institute of higher education. The watch is exquisite, however I was irresolute on whether or not to keep the timepiece. For one, it is only rated to a depth of 100 meters. I frequently and leisurely free dive to depths well beyond the range of 100 meters, typically to wrestle with giant squid. Subsequently, the wristwatch is only shock resistant. The utilization of a watch only capable of being resistant to shocks is not well suited to my rugged way of life; a time keeping instrument must be shock 'proof' to find its way onto my wrist. In addition, the watch I received displayed a yellow face, largely indicative of cowardice. I for one am no coward, hence my mention of battling giant squid. And lastly, but most importantly, I only wear Rolex timepieces. Good day.

Neck Traction Product Review

Amazon Review of an inflatable, extremely awkward, neck traction device. Posted under the name Hugh Jass:

I am a terrible sloucher, very poor posture. My nickname in high school was headless Harry because my head was down so low that if anyone would see me from behind it'd appear that I had no head. I tried many devices and apparatuses to improve my posture, even using those neck rings that those asian women wear; stacked up about 10 of those around my neck and found it to be very uncomfortable. Plus, it's very embarrassing when you have to call the fire department to cut you out of it. So when I stumbled upon this product I couldn't believe it. Absolutely wonderful, why didn't I think of this. Inflatable so you can customize the amount of support needed. I hook up my compressor to that thing and blow it up as much as I can without it popping, and I am good to go. I did go unconscious in a Walmart parking lot once because I think I overinflated it, cut off the blood supply to my head. Needless to say, when I woke up with my rear end hurting so bad and my pants down I thought, wow this product is great, I fell so hard that my butt hurts this bad but my neck feels fine. I was unfortunately in a car accident recently and had the Neck Traction on, and again my neck was fine, no whiplash, nothing. Be aware that Neck Traction can impede your vision because it keeps your head up so high you are nearly staring into the sky, not that easy to see directly in front of you. But I cannot begin to tell you how many things I missed with my bad posture: airplanes, weather patterns, birds and I have a new appreciation for what high noon means now.

I never knew how dirty the ceiling was in my house, cobwebs everywhere, another benefit of Neck Traction. I don't take this thing off, shower with it even. Hard to swim with it on, but you will never drown; don't attempt to scuba dive with this thing on, you will be dissapointed. I love playing the guitar, but had to quit because I can't see the strings to play, so that's a con, but I wouldn't trade this thing for the world. Don't attempt to babysit little kids either, was watching my grandkids and couldn't see them, knew they were down there, could hear noises when I stepped on them and their toys. Jeez, I don't think I tripped so much in my life, those kids and all those toys. I know where I am in my house, memorized the floorplan so I have an idea of where I am. So, you can see the benefits of Neck Traction clearly outweigh the costs. This product is worth every cent, takes some getting used to. That's just part of the fun! Yay good posture!


Don't suffer any longer!