Happy Freeze-idays from Mr. Freeze

Hello and happy Christmas from me, Mr. Freeze,
     I hope Santa brings you what you want. Christmas is my favorite holiday, for obvious reasons: I’m a Christian and Christmas music is my favorite. J/K lol, I love the cold you numbskull. I want Santa to bring me my two front teeth. J/K lol again! I want to convert my living room into a dead freezing cold room.
     Right now the living room’s pretty much just an industrial freezer, which isn’t frostless BTW. I slipped on the frost in there – not cool. And come to think of it, this wasn’t an iceolated incident. The Penguin slipped in there too. Can you believe that?! You think he’d be the one least likely to slip! And he’s always playing that “I got your nose” game with my kids, Mr. Freeze, Jr. and Ice Cube (I adopted the rapper/actor, J/K, I’m just a big fan of his work and cubes of ice). Who’s scared of a flightless bird anyways? The freezing cold, now that’s chilling.
     I’d like to convert my living room into a cryogenic, liquid nitrogen climate controlled chamber. That would be the coolest! A snow couch would go great in there to chill out on. And I also want a leather jacket, because they’re just cool. But what I really want is a device that can drill to the core of the Earth where I could detonate a nuclear weapon so all of the world’s volcanoes would erupt, creating a cloud of smoke so large and dense it would block out the sun for thousands of years, causing an eternal ice age. Also, I really hate hot stuff. I tried doing this a few years ago as a “school science experiment” with Ice Cube, and when I had to explain to the Feds what I was doing, lets just say I got quite an icy reception.

10 More Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some marijuana or cocaine?" 

1. I was just going to ask you the same thing. What a small world. Imagine if we said it at the same time. One of us would end up having to buy the other person a coke, which would be humorous considering what we're selling. Ahh, good times.
2. No thanks, I'm allergic to everything but heroin.
3. I'm a police officer......on Hallowee- Oh shit, please don't stab me, I was kidding.
4. If by marijuana and cocaine you mean drugs, then I guess I'd have to say yes.
5. How much?
6. I'm really high right now and it sounds like you might've just asked me if I wanted some drugs. If so, then yes.
7. I've never tried that before, by chance do you have any free samples like at farmers markets? Did I mention I'm amish.
8. Where do you live? How about I go to your street corner and sell drugs to your community?! What's that? People already do that and I'd get shot? That's a good point. OK, carry on.
9. What's your return policy?
10. Do you take Discover? And by Discover, I mean sucking your dick for payment, not that I would do that, but was wondering because I could really go for some cocaine and don't have any money.

10 Things to Say to Someone Trying to Sell You Drugs

"Hey, do you want some pot or cocaine?"

1. I'm on vacation in another country and have no idea who you are. Maybe you're a drug enforcement officer or maybe you just want to rob me when I take my money out. Sooo, what can I get for $500?

2. Isn't marijuana a gateway drug? No thank you! I'll take some cocaine please.

3. Do you realize you're like the 20th person to ask me that today? Ya know you look a lot like me, stop copying what I'm doing goddammit! How did I get in this gas station restroom? Where'd you go?!

4. Only if it's organically grown and processed without child labor. Oh would you look at that, the label has the story of how this bag got over the border. Transported by father of 12, Julio, and a here's a picture of him. This is great, and wow, it is organically grown. I'll take four bags, no, make it 12, to support each of his children. 

5. Do you know if it's all right to take cocaine on an empty stomach? I've had diarrhea for a few days.

6. How about if I can guess your age you let me get a small bag of marijuana for free? OK. Hmmmm, fifty...four, no three, fifty-three. And that's in meth years, so you're really only 33. Yes! Hand it over.

7. Let me help you out here, you'd make a lot more sales if you introduced yourself properly and touted the benefits of using of either of these substances. For instance, cocaine is good for suppressing memories cleaning out the sinuses. It may not really do that, but it does degrade the brain and destroy your nasal cavity. You see, it's all about making it sound good. I'll take some pot, for free, that advice is worth a lot. Trust me, I'm in pharmaceutical sales.

8. The last time someone offered me drugs, I, well....let me just get some pot, man.

9. No thanks, I'm mormon and actually (whisper) just had some coffee. 

10. I'm not sure. I've never done drugs before. Is it fun? What do you recommend? I've heard they're bad for you. Is that true? Am I asking too many questions? Sorry, I just bought this energy vitamin from someone just like you. Maybe you have it too, I'll buy more of that, it's called meth.

Ten Stupid Tips To Stop Yourself From Pigging Out At An All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

1- Remind yourself that you're at an all you can eat buffet.

2- Force yourself to watch the people going in and out of the buffet for 5 minutes.

3- Drink lots of water, it's a great appetite suppressant and if you do pig out, it helps the vomit come out much easier.

4- Sprinkle poison on all the food, that way you know you can't eat it.

5- Force yourself to speak with the manager before you start eating and tell him or her that you were just kicked out of the buffet across town, then ask if they need any King Crab legs or dinner rolls.

6- To prevent yourself from pigging out at an all you can eat buffet when you know you will, make a rule that you can only serve yourself food with your mouth.

7- Don't pretend you're the health inspector like last time and request a plate of every food and then say you will need a second round just to make sure and then threaten to shut them down if they don't get a larger capacity ice cream machine after you eat all their ice cream.

8- So you don't look like a complete pig at an all you can eat buffet, make sure and stop by a McDonald's beforehand.

9- Don't tell yourself you can only eat what you can fit in your stomach.

10- Do not ask yourself what starving kids in Africa would do.

Ten Terrible Jokes About What Snooki Will Name Her Baby

1- Snooki plans to marry her boyfriend and change her last name to Lawrence. She will reportedly name her son Gary Tyler Lawrence, and call him GTL for short.

2- Snooki plans on naming her child after the place it was conceived. The child will most likely be named Denny's bathroom. 

3- Snooki wants to name her child after one of her Jersey Shore castmates. Jenni if it's a girl, Pauly if it's a boy, or The Situation if it's ugly.

4- Snooki's baby will be her first child, so she plans on naming it something very important to her, Booze.

5- Snooki made a deal with a bodyspray company and named her child Axe. Although, Eedent was an odd choice for a middle name.

6- Because Snooki's child will bring her a lot of publicity when it's born, she already has a name picked out whether it's a boy or a girl: Available For Parties.

7- Snooki supposedly came up with a name for her child while drunk at a club. We'll let you know as soon as she stops vomiting and can tell us.

8- Snooki wants her child to have a better life than her. So she decided to name her kid Jersey Shore Hawaii.

9 If Snooki has a boy she wants to make sure he does well in school, so she'll name him DJ Pauly A+.

10- Snooki wants her son to work in finance, so she will name him Bookie.

Faith-based blogging with prankster Billy Sallies

Hi there, I'm Billy Sallies, a Christian and a part-time prankster. I share faith-related, lighthearted, and humorous stories. 

The other day I was in a local restaurant, just about to say grace, and I hear this guy sitting near me say he's an atheist, so I followed him home. I discover that he lives in a pretty nice house. (I know, atheists have houses??? I thought they all lived in shared sinner condos or something). I wanted to see where this guy lived, what his lawn looked like, what kind of shampoo he used, how he showers. (He starts with his feet! I know right, weeeiird). So turns out this guy’s a real creepy Weirdy McWeirdo, which I already suspected, with him being an atheist and all. 

So I'm in this guy's house, kinda just silently observing him from the shadows, just watching him, trying to figure out what makes an atheist an atheist, and I'm thinking about leaving, but I decided that before I go I'm gonna do something to this guy. I'll do one of my patented pranks on him, maybe paint his toenails or fart in his face when he’s sleeping; something really funny like that. But I decided to scare him straight…to Jesus. I would wait until he sneezed, and say "God blesses you," pretending to be God saying God bless you to this guy. I know, hilarious. I found a nice kitchen closet to hide in and wait until he fell asleep, which was a long time, like four and a half hours. He had plenty of food in there to snack on though. Thank the Lord he was storing some canned hams in this closet I was hiding in and that I have a stainless steel crucifix on my keychain; which I was able to use to open the can and jab his dog with so it would stop trying to get some ham scraps. Sorry, not all dogs go to heaven, especially ones with atheist owners. Again, how weird, the guy had this closet full of food(???). 

Somehow I fell asleep for like an hour or two, but what woke me up was this guy's sneeze. He was a yell-sneezer, totally uncalled for yell that accompanies his sneeze, which I despise, but it’s what woke me up to prank him, so I can’t complain. I right away say, “God blesses you,” in this real virtuous, deep voice. And let me tell you, it put the fear of God in him. He got real upset and started shouting, “who’s there” and that he “had a gun” and would call the cops. Which is hilarious; because you can’t call the cops on God, buddy. Just doesn’t work like that, you silly atheist.  

So I decided I should probably explain this to him and ask where his garbage was so I could toss away this canned ham tin. I may be a prankster, but I'm no pig. He must have thought I was God or something, because he was super scared, like he knew he would be going to hell for his lack of faith. Which is funny, because I had a hell of a time explaining to the police what happened the next day after I woke from surgery to get the bullet removed from my shoulder. The police, the judge, and even my lawyer must have been atheists too, because they didn’t believe much of my story either. 


If there’s one thing I learned from all of this, it’s that atheists have NO sense of humor. None at all. I can’t recall how many times I snuck into a Christian’s home and never been shot; getting pepper sprayed is different. There's no pill that can heal like prayer does. You know who has good wifi? Jewish people. Do they believe in God? Gotta go, OMG looks like this Jewish guy’s about to sneeze his yam-u-ku off.

Looking to Rent Your Kids

Friend of Greathouse of Humor, Nick Peterson, wrote this fine piece for a Craigslist ad:

Hello parents, I am looking a few young children to help me get Derek Jeter's autograph tomorrow. Jeter is training down in Tampa, and I need a few kids to stand in line with me and wait for the chance to get a baseball legend. Derek Jeter usually only signs autographs for kids, so this is a perfect opportunity for me to get his autograpg 3, 4 or even 5 times (depending on how many children I recruit).

I can NOT offer you a Derek Jeter signature in return, because I need his signature as many times as I can get. What I can offer you is a picture of your child next to him, and a story that will last a lifetime. If you commit before midnight tonight, I will also throw in an autographed baseball card of the Tampa Ray's team mascot "Raymond". . . an overall value of $3.50.

We will leave the next morning around 2:00 AM. We need to be in Tampa at around 5:00 AM so that we can be the first few people in line. Snacks and beverages will be provided by me. I will have all the Capri-Suns and Oreos that your children desire. If your child requires a car seat, please provide it.

Children must be between the ages of 3-12, male or female. They must be able to stand for long periods of time, have basic social skills, and be potty-trained. Please no medical diseases including Downs's syndrome, schizophrenia, Bell's palsy or any other types of deformity. This is actually a new stipulation because last year Alex Rodriguez did not sign for one of my recruited children. I thought that something like this would help my efforts but it completely backfired. I don't want to take that chance again.

Please feel free to ask me any questions before committing your child for the trip. I am a professional and will treat your kids like they were my own. (My own kids are actually unavailable for tomorrow. . .still waiting on that court hearing). I look forward to working with you and your child!